BLOKEOSCOPE with Mystic Reg; My mysterious ball will reveal your future ...
Dec 21-Jan 20 CAPRICORN YOU will discover that, contrary to the saying, there are actually many things worse than being talked about - and that one of them is being pulled apart by hyenas.
Jan 21-Feb 19 AQUARIUS THANKS for checking but once again this is going to be a depressingly uneventful week for you. Some people are film stars, you're just stuck with being insignificant, sorry.
Feb 20-Mar 20 PISCES NEXT time you ring up the editor to complain about my horoscopes, remember that I have some very scary friends, like Jupiter and the Crab Nebula, and we know where you live.
Mar 21-Apr20 ARIES JUST got back from a stag weekend with Russell Grant and Jonathan Cainer, so haven't had time to check your horoscope. But your girlfriend probably hates you, OK? Apr 21-May 21 TAURUS YOU'RE intelligent, attractive, popular and full of confidence. So why you're looking at a horoscope with the rest of these gullible losers is beyond me.
May 22-Jun 21 GEMINI YOU'VE been wondering if there really is life after death. So there's good news this week, as when the tractor driver falls asleep you'll be able to answer that question for yourself.
Jun 22-Jul 22 CANCER THERE'S no such thing as a free lunch but, if you can run fast enough and don't mind a bit of gravy on your shirt, there's no reason why you can't test whether that's true.
Jul 23-Aug 23 LEO TO be honest, I've got troubles of my own without trying to help you with yours. But if pointless mumbo-jumbo helps, then the Sun moving into your sign means something nice.
Aug 24-Sep 22 VIRGO YOU don't care what others think of you - just as well, as nobody ever gave you a moment's thought in their lives, although many have wondered where the smell is coming from.
Sep 23-Oct 23 LIBRA YOU'RE usually the life and soul of the party, so you'll enjoy the irony when the Demon King drags you down to the fiery pit of Hades during Auntie June's 60th birthday bash.
Oct 24-Nov 21 SCORPIO ONCE again, you've confused astrology with astronomy. Although there is often a link, such as my prediction that you will be hit by a small meteorite on Wednesday.
Nov 22-Dec 20 SAGITTARIUS IF there's one thing you can't stand, it's a jellyfish on a motorbike. And if you think that's a bad joke, wait till you see what the doctor tells you on Friday.