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BACON AT THE MOVIES: DOZY PARKER; Sarah Jessica fails FAILURE TO LAUNCH Rom-com CERT: 12A.

Byline: BY RICHARD BACON

YOU might not know this, but Hollywood has its very own version of the Ten Commandments.

One and two on the list are "Thou shalt be massively overpaid" and "Thy shall not allow any of the extras to make eye contact with thou".

And way down at No 8 comes: "If thy is a massive star on ye telly, then shall thee never have ye lead in a successful cinema film."

Take Friends. All six were the biggest stars on TV. Between them, they've managed to make a grand total of no good films.

Oh, they've tried. Along Came Polly, The Whole Nine Yards, The Longest Yard, Clockwatchers, Lost In Space... not so much a list of films, more a charge sheet of minor crimes against humanity.

Add in Matthew Perry in his sequel The Whole Ten Yards (perhaps the worst film of ALL time), and you've got a MAJOR crime against humanity.

Jerry Seinfeld, The Sopranos' James Gandolfini, David Duchovn: All great on the box but not the box-office. And now it's the turn of Sarah Jessica Parker, who you'll know best as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.

Here's Failure To Launch. And I'm not talking about the movie title, that's a description of how her movie career's doing.

It's a brave title, because even the laziest critic is going to make a joke about it. And I have.

Matthew McConaughey is Tripp, a 35-year-old well-paid hunk who still lives with his mum and dad (Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw). Everything Tripp wants, his parents provide, and he's in no rush to strike out. But Mom and Dad think it's time he flew the coop. So they hire "professional interventionist" Paula (SJP) to seduce him so he'll move into his own pad. Only she falls for him in an entirely unexpected etc etc.

If they want him to go, they should leave this running constantly on the DVD player. It's a wildly unoriginal rom-com that you'll remember for about six seconds after it ends.

The idea is original, but anything fresh gets dropped for half-baked date scenes set at an aquarium, a baseball game, or somewhere where small animals can attack Tripp.

Critics have their own Ten Commandments too. Top is: "Thou shall not murder films".

Well, I'm off to hell. And I suspect that this is one of the films that'll be playing there.

CAPTION(S):

LOST AT SEA: Sarah Jessica Parker & Mathew McConaughey
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Mar 26, 2006
Words:412
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