SCIENCE hates women. I have no empirical evidence to support this statement, just a feeling in my wobbly woman gut.
This week scientists revealed that premenstrual tension does not exist and billions of women were just imagining it.
They were, in fact, miserable cows for no good reason, which blokes suspected all along.
Once a month they may feel they have been thrown down an emotional ravine into a river of tears but that's a behavioural issue.
The cyclone of hormones hurtling through your body has no impact on memory, thinking or behaviour, according to Dr Brigette Leeners.
Yes, the scientist is a woman but so is Mother Nature and she is downright nasty.
I used to think PMT was responsible for my clumsiness and the bruises from walking into desks, tables and buses but I am just ungainly, on similar dates each month.
When I am enraged because I dropped my toast or a fly won't let me kill it, there is no connection to my hormonal cycle whatsoever.
If I sob when I catch a drama I've not seen before to see a character dying, this is just my sensitive side coming out, every four weeks.
And the self-loathing which falls in the same part of the month is probably rooted in my childhood. Scientists are good for clarifying what is really happening to women.
The toilet pan may look like Dracula threw up in it but science tells us that we only lose a couple of tablespoons of blood a month.
The ghostly pallour indicative of a blood donation is the wrong foundation and a lack of sun.
The ache across our backs, the stabbing from the abdomen to the thighs is a bout of hypochondria that comes along every 28 days or so.
We probably don't bloat either and are just fat. Every month. On the dot. A remarkable coincidence. Science is great when it comes to clarifying that women are generally screwed.
Once the periods, that cause no problems at all, disappear, there is the Sahara wind of the menopause to look forward to.
This is when God dries up every drop of moisture then wrings it out in flushes and night sweats.
The baldness of head is compensated by hairiness of face and menopause even makes our eyelashes straighter because the above are not demoralising enough.
Of course, don't take this as read because some scientist will come along to tell us none of it happens at all.
firstname.lastname@example.org The scientific conclusion that PMT has no emotional impact is akin to standing in the rain while a weatherman tells us it's sunny. My conclusion - if it feels like rain, looks like rain, ruins your day like rain and gives you trenchfoot like rain, it is bloody rain.
And if all this makes you want to murder a scientist, bear in mind PMT will no longer be accepted as mitigation.
We probably don't bloat either and are just fat. Every month. On the dot