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And what would you know about success Edward?

WE don't ask much of our royals.

We let them think they are special, pay for their pampered lifestyles, give them grandiose titles and some people even bow and curtsey to them.

In return, all we ask is that they act like royalty. That means dignity, decorum and support for the best of British.

It does not mean whinging, wheedling, wimpish self-pity.

Above all, it does not mean bad-mouthing the nation that gives them the luxurious living they have done nothing to deserve.

If anyone epitomises the parasitical nature of royalty, it is Prince Petted-Lip, Edward the Wally.

The Queen's three sons appear to have been born in descending order of manliness and intelligence.

Charles has some saving graces, such as concern for the environment - but not the woman he married.

Andrew at least learned to fly a helicopter and had the sense to dump Fergie.

But Edward is an unmitigated big girl's blouse.

Worse, he is an ungrateful and arrogant dimwit who bites the hands that feeds him - and does not even know he is doing it.

Edward is a true Windsor. He believes WE owe HIM a living.

He would not dare to attack British taxpayers to our faces. But he is so stupid he thinks it is safe to bad-mouth us from the other side of the Atlantic.

He says we "hate anyone who succeeds".

How would this pathetic prat of a prince know? When has he ever been involved in - never mind being responsible for - anything remotely resembling success?

We would not hate Edward, we would be utterly astonished if he succeeded at anything.

Edward's entire career can be summed up in a four-letter word - FLOP.

He could not hack it in the Royal Marines. He was dubbed Princess Pansy and - absolutely unjustified - questions were asked about his sexuality.

After dropping out of the Marines, his first foray into the entertainment world was It's A Royal Knock-Out, which earned him the new title Clown Prince.

We were expected to believe being tea-boy to Andrew Lloyd-Webber was a job for a grown man.

And when he set up his own production company, Ardent, we were expected to take it seriously.

He is so out of touch, his first programme was about real tennis - a game played by a tiny number of snobs, not the Wimbledon one - which got just 8000 viewers.

Ardent specialises in home movies like Edward on Edward - HRH Me Being Boring About My Naughty Old Grand-Uncle - and Castle Ghosts of Old England.

Corrie and Who Wants to be a Millionaire have nothing to worry about.

Edward's only talent is for cashing-in on the family name. He admits: "There are the names of many producers you'll never remember, no matter what they do... unfortunately or not, I won't ever have that."

That is crass enough but when he demeans himself for the US media, he demeans the monarchy, if that is possible after the Diana, Fergie and Princess Margaret scandals, and demeans Britain.

The headline on the New York Times was: "Prince Edward, producer, comes to Hollywood as pitchman". In other words, a half-baked huckster with nothing to sell but his royal connections.

Interviewer James Sterngold says: "He found it exciting to be in Hollywood and getting some attention.

"He was particularly excited about being taken seriously as a TV producer."

That is the point. In Britain, he is well-known as a twerp, a numpty, a nobody. In the States, where they go ga-ga over anyone with the remotest royal connections, Edward is SOMEBODY.

Only an American with a built-in inferiority complex would describe the dimmest bulb on the royal tree as the "suddenly hot, newly anointed mini media baron".

It is an irony in the US - a meritocracy where all are born equal - they will kow-tow to anything with a title.

The shrewdest, most commercially-minded people in the world cannot see Edward for the nonentity he is.

They cannot see he is not royal, he is a commercial salesman.

If the Windsors cannot be royal, they are nothing. If they cannot be ambassadors for Britain, they are not worth supporting.

If Edward thinks the US is so much better at recognising talent than Britain, if he really thinks Hollywood is "a breath of fresh air", he should have stayed there.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Brown, Tom
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Sep 3, 1999
Words:716
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