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All natural news.

Given the present fierce competitioin among the wire services, we worry that the White House News Service will have trouble transmitting its message to the moderns of America. So far, the W.H.N.S. has signed up seveal clients, including a rightwing organization called Citizens for America, but we doubt that reams of boring speeches and lengthy handouts datelined 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will stir up much excitement on newspaper row.

After mulling over this problem for numerous minutes, we hit upon a solution. We dumped it in the lap of a Madison Avenue type we know who advises us on, well, Madison Avenue-type problems. As usual, he didn't let us down. What the White house needs, he told us, is a television commercial selling its news service. And he crafted the following video vignette:

(OPENON: A WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM. NANCY IS LOUNGING IN AN EASY CHAIR, READING. AS THE CAMERA PANS IN, SHE LOOKS UP.)

NANCY: OH, hello. I was just reading a government study by the people at the Heritage Foundation on polluted media. It's something every American should be concerned about. (PAN IN CLOSE) Did you know that 99 percent of the news we consume contains harmful additives? Well, it's true. You'd be surprised--and shocked--at how many hands it passes through before it reaches you.

(CUT TO: MONTAGE OF NEWSROOM. SWEATY REPORTERS TYPING ON WORD PROCESSORS. AN UNKEMPT EDIT DRIBBLING CIGARETTE ASHES ON COPY AND WIELDING SHEARS. DIRTY HANDS OF PRINTERS SORTING PAPERS. SLOPPILY DRESSED NEWSDEALER CHEWING CIGAR, ETC.)

Nancy: Not only is our news produced under unsanitary conditions; it is filtered, diluted and adulterated by journalists and editors. In a recent test, the Food and drug Administration discovered that three samples of news from The New York Times, The Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune contained substantial traces of liberal bias, in amounts ranging from 30 to 77.8 percent. That's not surprising, for many of these stories were unhygienically leaked by unidentified officials in dirty back alleys (CUT TO: PIC OF UNSAVORY TYPE IN BACK ALLEY.)

What can you do about it? Why not try the wholesome, American alternative: news from the White House News Service. (CUT TO: MONTAGE OF CLEANCUT PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHWRITERS IN WHITE COATS.) Here in the White House kitchens we cook up nutritious, natural news. As our slogan says, "We don't do a thing to the stuff." The ingredients are an old Reagan family recipe that hasn't been changed since my husband was Governor of California. Just read what it says on the package. (CUT TO: W.H.N.S. PRESS RELEASE WITH WORDS "CONTAINS ORGANICALLY GROWN TRUTH AND FACTS. SODIUM PROPIONATE ADDED TO RETARD SPOILAGE.") That's all. So subscribe to the W.H.N.S. and make America once again a shining city on the hill.

(MUSIC: "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" UP AND OUT.)

(FADE)

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Title Annotation:how the White House should advertise its news seervice
Publication:The Nation
Article Type:editorial
Date:Jan 19, 1985
Words:474
Previous Article:So out we're in.
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