All I want for Christmas is cheesy Channel 5 films.
Byline: Susan Riddell LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU
LAST week, after slagging off the things I don't like about Christmas, I promised to even things up by writing a list of things I do like about the festive period.
There are many things I could write about. I love lots of stuff about Christmas, however there's one thing I love above all else - if you don't know about this then you are truly missing out - Channel 5 Christmas films.
To be fair, I think they've been showing them since July - at least it feels like that.
These trashy, straight-to-TV films have been fanning my festive cheer no end. The worse they are, the more I like them. I watched one last week in which the whole plot revolved around the main character saving up to buy her fiancee a steering wheel - it's all very high stakes, riveting stuff.
The plots usually fall into two main categories - a single parent or widow finds love in the most ridiculous, far-fetched, convoluted way OR a ruthless business person, who only cares about profits, sees the error of their ways, usually (but not always) with the help of an elf.
Those are the two genres but they have several characteristics in common.
I decided to develop a drinking game to play while you watch them, which is rather worrying as the films usually begin before midday, but it's December, so anything goes. If you fear friends and relatives may stage an intervention you could always record them and play at a more socially-acceptable hour.
To be think have So without further ado, here are the rules for my Channel 5 Christmas film drinking game: Take a drink when: ?There's a twinkly wind showing them July - feels chime sound effect. It usually happens to denote an outlandish Christmas miracle about to occur. ?You want to slap an obnoxious child actor upside the head.
. ?You recognise the storyline from the better-known film that is blatantly since it like it being ripped off. ?You finally figure out who the D-list actor playing the protagonist is. Take a bonus drink if you can name a film they've been in before.
. ?You detect sadness and disappointment in the aforementioned actor's eyes at the trajectory of their career.
. ?There's a close up of an open fire, a Christmas tree, decorations or a snowman (this happens continuously just in case you forget it's a Christmas film you're viewing) ?An extra takes the adage "there are no small parts, only small actors" to extreme levels and "rhubarbs" so hard they look like they're having some sort of seizure.
. ?A life insurance, accident lawyer or payday loan advert comes on during the break. It is daytime TV after all.
TOMORROW DON'T MISS DES CLARKE'S COLUMN
To be fair, I think they have been showing them since July - it feels like it
FESTIVE FARE Kevin Sorbo was on C5 yesterday in The Santa Suit as a ruthless Scrooge
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|Title Annotation:||News; Opinion; Columns|
|Publication:||Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)|
|Date:||Dec 11, 2015|
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