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Alison's Diary; I'm in a weight zone never previously imagined other than in my nightmares.. 11 stone 2lbs. AAAAAARGH! It's on paper: I am The Blob.

Byline: ALISON CRAIG

Monday

Meet my pal Catherine Aitken. We are taking the plunge and joining a slimming club. failed to find the meeting last week but this week I have sussed out where I am to be so there is no stopping me.

In fact I'm so keen on the whole thing that I have found three other girls who want to do the meeting. The four of us arrange to go together. I meet Catherine 30 minutes beforehand so we can share a car ride. We have time to kill so order a coffee - lattA for me and hot chocolate for her. have a slab of oat and date cake and she has a chocolate stone. We laugh hysterically as we jam our fattening bad snacks into our faces before running off to be weighed.

On the way to meet the other two, one of them - Joan - calls to say it's her husband's birthday and she is too far away to attend. Then Jane (Ernest Shackleton's mum from last week) is stuck in a meeting and will be along later so Catherine and I go along bloated, heavy and not amused. It is not a happy occasion. Walking to St George's Church in the west end of Edinburgh, there is a film crew there for some reason. Catherine, a film maker, and I are determined to hide and put our heads in big hats and run by to hit the slimming club meeting. Registering we cough up, get our memberships and, oh Lord, our weights. I'm in a weight zone have never previously imagined other than in my nightmares. think if I put it down on this page will take heed. am 11 stone 2lbs. AAAAAAARGH! It is on paper that I am The Blob

Tuesday

I am officially a fruit and vegetable eater. I decide if get my hair cut it might make me look thinner.

Head to Sonya who is running Klownz, the salon of love, as master of the craft Derek is commuting between Scotland and NYC.

Sonya is heavily pregnant and about to drop. encourage her to put her feet up, have a long lie and take it easy. 'Och I'd be bored out of my head,' she says. 'I'll have the baby, take a couple of days off and be back in the swing of it in a couple of days.' recall I said that and it took me two years to get my bum and head back in to the same room. Choose not to share that experience with her.

Swing my new haircut and smile while waving goodbye

Wednesday

Meeting with Catherine, my disgustingly talented friend, who is a bag designer, film producer and my slimming club partner. Despite our plans to take on the world with a fabulous business we get distracted as usual and start talking about TV - specifically Dr Who. am stunned when she tells me that Christopher Eccleston has decided he will only do one series. Yes, I know I must be the last person to hear about it. Can't believe it as I'm loving his version of the Doctor. Cheer up when find out cute Scot David Tennant will be taking over

Thursday

If you're a girl, you'll know the story. If you're a bloke, close your eyes. It's the day of the smear test, which we all have to have every three years.

Not the nicest thing to have looming over your afternoon but nonetheless it has to be done. I'm late. The nurse is harassed so we get it over and done with in 45 seconds. Must be the way to go in the future. No chit-chat - just get on the trolley, act casual, don't talk about the war. Feel relieved the deed is done so hit the plant section at B&Qfor a bit of retail therapy. End up heading home with a six-pack of strawberry plants. Can't stop thinking about scoffing the berries later this summer, smothered in loads of cream

Friday

Barry Cryer announces he will perform at The Queens Hall, Edinburgh, in aid of HIV charity Waverley Care, which is very generous of him.

immediately phone my dad to ask if he fancies it, only to be told by mum that he can't speak. Why? Well apparently he is standing with his hair pegged to the washing line. WHAT? Yes, if you peg your hair to the washing line while practising your golf swing, it means your head doesn't move when you try to hit your golf ball.

It is now official. I do not stand a chance of living a normal life - this is my dadSaturdayIt's only been a few days but I am trying to abide by my slimming club points. I am allowed about 19 a day which seem to be able to eat at one sitting.

look at the headlines in the papers: 'Posh says... if you leave me I will stop eating.' Mmmnnn... a little extreme but what the heck. I pack a bag and suggest this to Dave as the lure of chocolate is still far too strong. He looks at me as his hand picks up his mobile and he presses psychosis on speed dial. Another day, another dollar
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:May 8, 2005
Words:876
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