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Adding an insult to my injury.

Byline: MIKE LOCKLEY

DONE my back in, which is not only an injury, it's also a sexual innuendo.

"Still life in the old dog, then?" said one drinking companion.

"That'll teach you to swing off the chandelier," guffawed another.

I put him straight. Told him the truth. I slipped on dog excrement. "While having sex?" he blurted.

'Nod-nod, wink-winks' don't accompany any other ailment - not even sexually transmitted diseases. I once joked to someone suffering from the latter: "You know what they say, 'unlucky in love... get venereal disease'."

That was deemed to be in very poor taste.

Some remarks have been downright unkind. "You're like a wizened old man walking up that driveway, all hunched over. I thought 'There's someone who needs a Zimmer frame'."

The author of that comment was my GP, which hurt.

It's an old sporting injury, if you can call Subbuteo a sport. Or a Repetitive Strain Injury, which caused havoc among the Third Reich: sieg heil that much and something's got to give.

Rather than suffering in silence, I've done something about the condition - and even considered going private. "I can examine you for pounds 40," said the doctor.

"OK," I nodded, "if you find it, you can keep it."

In the end I rang an alternative therapy clinic. To save time, I've decided on voodoo acupuncture.

You don't have to see anyone. You'll just be walking down the street and... 'oh, that's much better'.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Jul 31, 2011
Words:241
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