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Adam's Grapple - Punch Lines: Lifting the lid on United secrets.

Byline: ADAM OLDFIELD

MANCHESTER UNITED have been rocked by news their dressing room was bugged during the recent Premiership clash with Chelsea.

Recordings of the manager and players discussing tactics before kick-off and at half-time were being touted around tabloid newspapers this week along with celebratory after-match comments.

The asking price was a little high for the ECHO however, so we decided to improvise by piecing together what we consider to be a highly believable Manchester United team talk AF: Reet laddies, gaither roond . [shuffling] .....Where's Wazza? [Enter Wayne Rooney] WR: Sorry bowt dat la, I ad to go ferra number two ALAN SMITH: Av theur gott'runs Wazza? WR: Behave kidda, I meant I ordered fried crispy duck at de chinese.

AS: From down t'road...did theur get served by t'80-year-old lass?

She gives out free extras.

WR: Foo Young fer me.

AF: Can ye nae think abit yer belly laddie an start thinking abit th' opposition.

WR: Buuuurrrppp .....Soz gaffer. AF: Keano, how's the hamstring?

RK: Feckin useless boss. Whaaan week tis foyne, de next tis feckin *****. No feckin consistency. It's loike dis shower of **** they're as useless as a chocolate taypot so dey are.

[stunned silence] AF: errrr, reet then ..you'll 'ave tae sit it ooot. Smithy, yer our toughtacklin midfielder the-day.

[general sniggering] AS: Theur sure gaffa? AF: Aye laddie, it's either ye or Quinton Fortune ........[riotous laughter]...Shut it Nostril boy, we need goals fraw ye the-day, are ye gonnae lit me doon RvN: Neigh AF: We're nae gonnae lose the-day, so whit we gonnae dae Nostril boy RvN: Whinny AF: Atta boy [Enter Jermaine Pennantthe Chelsea game JP: Sorry I'm..hic...lashthere...hic...gaffer AF: Oye sonny, yer in th' wrangplace[Exit Jermaine Pennant] AF: Reet, where was ah? Oche aye, the-day we facin those arrogant...[Knock at door]...What noo fur Gawd's sake?

[Enter Glazer brothers Joel, Avi and Bryan] JG: Howdy folks. Just wanna wish y'all a fab-tastic soccer showdown BG: Yeah, shoot those mothers down, yeehaw!

AG: Have a nice day now. [Exit Glazer brothers AF: Anyway lads, jist go oot there an' dae yer best JP: Ooops...teehee....hic....teehee ALL: Alright gaffer[Clapping and cheering] AF: While yoo're daein nothin Keano, take the rubbish oot wit ya. RK: C'mon yee load av feckin *****, follow me.

AF: Oh, and de nae forgit our mascot RK: Where AF: This wee cheeky chappy here. RK: That's Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, he plays for us AF: Canny try Keano, canny try ..........................RIORF: Yes boss AF: Yer need tae pit yer kit oan befoe ye gie oot there son RF: Oh yeah, hehe. [All exit HALF-TIME AF: In here laddies....RIO!!!!!, in here sonthat's the away dressin room!

RF: Oh yeah, hehe AF: Reet lads, that was fhanean' dahndi but ah want mare iv it in the second half, so mek sure yee keep yor energy levels up an' git sum refreshments.

WR: Whuz the choccy digestives la MIKAEL SILVESTRE: Zis I donot nur. WR: Warra bowt de ginger nuts JOHN O' SHEA: Ah, 'ere theyare. Scholsey, Wes, 'av yer seen de chocolate digestives PS & WB: No, we were looking for the fruitcake. WB: Ah, there it is. Keano, have you seen the choccy digestives?

RK: **** orf, oi'm lookin for de Jaffas WR: ahh, here..[interruptedAF: Reet lads that's enoughjust gan back oot there an' protect yor one-goal leed. [All exit FULL-TIME [Sound of cheering gets louder] ALL: Jose is a ******, Jose is a ******, la la la la, la la la la RF: Take that ya Cockney bleeders AF: Rio, calm yerself doon laddie, remember yoo're a Cockney tay RF: Oh yeah, hehe. AF: Well dain lads, ye aw hung in there wi' greet sprit. Ah am immensely prood ay ye. RK: Me too. Oi'd particularly loike ter tank Darren Flectcher for de winnin' goal. Oi know oi said sum 'arsh tings aboyt 'im, but I'd loike 'im ter 'av my role on a mare permanent boysis cos oi'm gonna **** orf in a fortnight.

DF: Ah cannae dae it capten, ah dornt hae enaw powur.

ALL: Fletch! ah-ahh! Savior of the Universe! Fletch! ah-ahh! He'll save every one of us!

AF: Reet, calm doon, calm doon. It's internationals next week, so enay wan who dinnae hav an injury, cam to mae an I'll sort ye oot with wan[Tape ends

CAPTION(S):

SEX SYMBOL: Wayne Rooney in the United dressing room following
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Liverpool Echo (Liverpool, England)
Date:Nov 19, 2005
Words:736
Previous Article:Adam's Grapple - Punch Lines: The penny drops.
Next Article:Paddy Shennan: Just so little to laugh at; How can they all be wrong.


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