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Adam's Grapple: The tale of the Crocky Conjuror; Wizard's rise up the ranks.

Byline: ADAM OLDFIELD

WAYNE ROONEY last week signed one of the biggest sports book deals in publishing history - a whopping pounds 5 million for a five-tome anthology.

As the world waits with bated breath for the first instalment, Grapple decided to use a little conjecture and bring you the pirate version of all five books. Based on Rooney's recent confession of being a big Harry Potter fan, and with apologies to JK Rowling, here is a brief synopsis of each volume.

Wayne Rooney and the Philosopher's Home

Born into a working class family in the suburb of Croxteth, Wayne Rooney was just like any other boy - except with an abnormally large head. His aptitude in the field of sports became apparent through 'Quid Each' - a fast paced game in which he'd charge classmates a nominal fee to chase the 'snitch' around the schoolyard. One day a mysterious letter from Everton Football Club arrives via one of Duncan Ferguson's pigeons - a cost-cutting policy forced upon the Goodison club by the expensive acquisition of Daniel Amokachi. It was an invite to join their School of Wizardry and Witchcraft. The boyhood Blue jumped at the chance and so began his tuition at the magical kingdom alongside such acclaimed conjurors as Mitch Ward and Joe-Max Moore. His powers grew so advanced that at the age of 16 he was summoned to face the enemy. It was against one of the greatest adversaries Rooney announced himself. A piece of sublime magic ended the compelling dictatorship of the once mighty Gunners. The Wizard of Wazza had arrived. Roomania had begun.

Wayne Rooney and the Sex Chamber of Secrets

Now entering the twilight of his teenage years, Wayne Rooney was naturally curious. Tiresome of pragmatic teachings, the wonder wizard began to experiment with his wand. His promiscuity led him to a vice den of deceit and deprecation where, unbeknown to him, his invisibility cloak had become defective. Beguiled by a banquet of brazen beauties, Rooney fell under the spell of the unconventional temptresses. He played buck-a-Roo with the Cowgirl, tasted the spankingly gorgeous Pot Noodle obsessive, and even worked his magic on an ageing cat suit clad sorceress known as Auld Slapper. Only when the error of his ways was highlighted by the scribes did Rooney return to his soul mate and female confidante Her Moany. He vowed to never again be tempted by the dark side.

Wayne Rooney and the Half Blue Blood Prince

After his proud proclamation of Once A Blue, I'll Screw You, Rooney was again tempted by the dark side. Coaxed by the Red Devils and the promise of every flavour jelly beans, he made his way to the Theatre of Screams where he would become the apprentice of the Dark Lord Ferguson. Under the influence of duplicitous Devils, Rooney mastered the malevolent arts of penalty box sprawling, referee manipulation and injury time elongation. His magic grew so strong and uncontrollable that he even turned his strike partner into a horse. Impressed by his trickery, keeper of the Three Lions Sven Goran Eriksson made him a regular in the national side, where once again his magic could be used for the power of good.

Wayne Rooney and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan

Deep in the dreaded fortress of the Tofik Bakhramov Stadium, a dark force contrived to have Wayne Rooney's magical powers incarcerated. Thwarted by an evil empire and Azerbaijani gate keeper Jahangir Hasanzade, Rooney's customary spellbinding international acumen faded into the bleak backdrop of Baku. But fear not. Shackled by inferior custodians, our hero evoked the trials of his upbringing and proceeded to summon up an almighty curse. "Pass me the ******* ball you ******* bunch of useless *******," vented Rooney, piercing the night sky with his famous Scouse twang. It worked. The dark clouds lifted, the air turned blue and the custodians turned to stone. With the once perilous path now exposed, Rooney's diminutive sidekick Michael Owen applied the killer blow. All that was bad, is once well again.

Wayne Rooney and the Carling Goblet of Mire

Every adulation and superlative had been bestowed upon Rooney by the time he was 20. He had everything he could wish for - a Nimbus 2000 sports car, his own magical castle, a forgiving fiancAe and a McDonalds loyalty card. But there was this compelling sense of nonfulfillment - a professional void so vast, yet so elusive. It was only when he walked past the trophy room at the Theatre of Screams did he realise what was missing. But even a feather duster couldn't provide that intangible gratification. Instead, he took it upon himself to lead the Red Devils on the quest of the Carling Goblet - a prize so prestigious most enemies had given up hope of ever landing it and instead sent out sparse forces. A bit of Rooney abracadabra, hocus pocus, bish bash bosh, and the Holy Grail was theirs. All those years of trying to make the big time had finally paid off for the Crocky Conjuror.

CAPTION(S):

ROONEY JOINS BOOK CLUB: The Wayne Rooney books are expected to sell so well, the DVD versions have been produced already
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Liverpool Echo (Liverpool, England)
Date:Mar 18, 2006
Words:853
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