ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF TIME TO JOIN THE MAHDI MILITIA.
If you can't beat 'em: While the White House decries the lack of a single alternative to his Plan for Victory in Iraq, a California Democrat has come up with one. ``We could join up with the insurgents ... in a leadership capacity,'' said U.S. Rep. May Dupname. ``With the blunders we continue to make, they would end up losing. And if they don't, we could just surrender. Either way, it hands Victory to the democratically elected Iraqi government, which was our objective in the first place.''
Thinning out the taste: The makers of trans fats have announced they will be extracting the fat out of their trans fats. ``We realized that we're just fighting a losing war against the health industry,'' said Trans Fat Unlimited's Greasy McCloggy. ``From now on, our trans fat will only include trans. Enjoy!''
Oops! Seems that Iraqis are not very good at hanging killers. After the mean-spirited execution of Saddam Hussein, the ``Bad Executions R Iraq'' movement continued as Saddam's half-brother was halved one last time as he was not only hanged, but was beheaded at the same time.
``Actually, that was how we planned it,'' said ``head'' lyncher Paul DaSwitch. ``With the horrible crimes he was guilty of, he deserved to be executed twice. This was the closest we could get.''
Beauty is in the eye of the X-ray: With ``Ugly Betty'' star America Ferrera's win at the Golden Globes, and her ``beauty that lies deeper than what we see'' comments, supermodels throughout the world have attacked the message it sends to shapely, attractive young women.
``What about the gorgeous girls, who for years have thought their burps don't smell?'' asked Naomi Campbell. ``What do they do now knowing that the hordes of boys and compliments raining down 24-7 around them are filled with questions about how pretty they are on the inside? It makes it so much more difficult to throw cell phones at those who annoy you.''
Getting a whuppin' for giving a whuppin': Golden State Warrior forward Mike Dunleavy Jr. led his team over the L.A. Clippers, coached by his dad, Mike Dunleavy Sr. ``We're professionals. Things like this are going to happen,'' said Mike Sr. ``But if this happens again, no dessert.''
Need more indication Junior was a bad boy? He was traded to Milwaukee a day after the game. That'll teach him.
Certainly warranted: Donald Trump bought/received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. ``I thought it would be larger than the others,'' said The Donald. ``Though not as large as Rosie's butt.''
In what should increase property values on Hollywood Boulevard, Trump announced plans to buy up a number of other stars. ``It's not like Stu Erwin or Dolores Del Rio are going to miss theirs. Did I mention that I'm really, really great?'' added Trump.
More chance of becoming president on ``24'': Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. announced the formation of an exploratory committee to examine his possible run for the presidency in 2008. While his youth, lack of experience and African-American-ness are pointed to as potential obstacles, Obama says it could be worse. ``At least I'm not married to Bill Clinton,'' said Obama, who refused to say what candidate he was speaking about.
Again and Again: Lindsey Lohan has returned to rehab less than two months after she visited an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that her publicist announced to everyone. What's different? ``This time we aren't going to tell anyone,'' said her PR person.
``Whoops,'' she added.
Evidence of a benevolent God: Rumors that Britney Spears might be pregnant again were dashed when zygotes throughout the world refused to participate.
My, it's getting late: Nuclear scientists, led by physicist Stephen Hawking, have moved the Doomsday Clock forward from seven to five minutes before midnight -- midnight being the end of the world. ``The two-minute movement ahead was not from a closer threat of a nuclear catastrophe as much as Hawking's incessant practical joking,'' said fellow genius Reely Smart. ``He's constantly setting the clock ahead and getting us all up way earlier than we need to. One day he's gonna carry the whole thing a little too far and bang! No more computer time for him.''
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|Publication:||Daily News (Los Angeles, CA)|
|Date:||Jan 21, 2007|
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