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A date with disaster; Searching for the love of your life can go terribly wrong .. and the results can be hilarious.

Byline: BY LISA ADAMS

HERE'S proof that you're not the only one going through dating hell.

A search for the perfect partner can be a ticket to the most embarrassing situations imaginable.

Latest statistics show Britain's 8.35million single women spent around pounds 2billion on dating in a year. That works out at more than 21 million dates a year.

The average woman spends on average pounds 35.29 updating her wardrobe for a date and pounds 15.24 on beauty products. But romance can cost far more than just your bank balance, according to Sam Jordison.

His new book, Bad Dates, has the best love-sick stories from across the world which were posted on his website, www.whendatesgobad.co.uk

Sam said: "The one thing that the statisticians haven't told us is is how awful so many of these fraught would-be nights of passion can be."

Here's our pick of the worst.

A TOUGH CALL

Within five minutes of our first date, he took a call on his mobile phone. This was rude enough but then he started yelling at the person on the other end of the line.

I can't forget the moment when he told his caller that he wished he'd run her over when he had the chance.

CARRY ON REGARDLESS

I was at a bar with some girlfriends when this really great looking guy started talking to me and offered me a drink.

He cut to the chase and suggested we go back to his flat. Once we were there, one thing led to another. I thought I was in for the most amazing night, but then his mother walked into the room.

I was shocked, embarrassed and wanted to leave, but his mum didn't seem at all concerned about my state of undress. She assured me we could carry on as normal just as soon as she had asked her son about his car insurance.

Needless to say, this did nothing to increase my ardour and the night ended with neither bang or whimper.

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

I was certain that I'd pulled. Her tone was heavily flirtatious. As soon as we got back to her room, she went off to the bathroom to freshen up and I sat on the bed, nervously planning my first move.

All these thoughts left my head when she reappeared and I realised she'd changed into her pyjamas.

She climbed under the sheets and, instead of inviting me to join her, asked if I could read her a bit of Harry Potter. When I finished the chapter, she said huskily: "That's enough. I'm going to go to sleep. You can leave me now."

A HEAVY PRICE

On our first date, I mentioned I liked a drop of full cream milk in my coffee. On our second date, I was touched when he offered me coffee, saying he'd laid in some of the old blue top milk. Very nice, or so I thought until it came time to leave and he said: "I paid 30p for that milk but you can have what's left for 25p."

A BIG QUESTION

I thought it had been a tolerable evening. Not exactly sparkling but there was certainly room for further exploration. So at the end of the date I asked: "Do you want to meet again?" "What on earth for?" he replied.

BAD PLANNING

My best friend had just been invited to meet her boyfriend's parents. She was ever so nervous.

She was especially worried about meeting his mum, who she had been warned was a fiercely intelligent doctor.

The meeting went well, their relationship was serious so she decided to go for a more stable form of contraception. She went up to the family planning clinic the next morning and walked straight in to see - his mum.

SINGING FOR MY SUPPER

He sang Prince's Could You Be the Most Beautiful Girl In The World? to me in a terrible, loud voice. It was our first date, in a crowded restaurant. And in contrast to his perfectly petite purpleness, my date was more than 6ft 2in and, erm, quite fat. Plus, I'm a man so he had to replace the world "girl" with "guy" in every chorus. Enough said.

GEEK LOVE

He talked about Daleks all night. In fact, during the date he took a call from his friend and argued for about 20 minutes about the model type of a Dalek in a certain series of Dr Who in a certain year.

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE GOES A LONG WAY

The guy I had gone on several dates with took me for a walk along the riverbank by moonlight.

He sat me down on a bench and cleared his throat. "I think we're better off as friends," he said. "You're a great girl but I think we're not that well matched."

I nodded and tried to look as if I was in complete agreement. Emboldened, he went on: "You see, Layla, the thing is, I really liked you until I got to know you."

AND FINALLY

HERE'S the secret to getting a date sizzling. The best way to meet a lover is to experience fear with them. An experiment in the Seventies showed men who met women on an unstable bridge found the encounter far sexier than those that met on a stable bridge. Funfair rides have a similar effect.

Bad Dates, True Tales From Single Life, by Sam Jordison costs pounds 6.99 and is published by John Murray.

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Mar 4, 2008
Words:934
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