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A big bore so far.

Byline: By Murray Morse

Big Bruv's Federico appears to have an R missing from his name.

Or is he just a P-at?

Gos has got an R AND an S missing. The big lump of lard eats more than he cooks, and should really be known as Gross.

And the Big Bruv house also sports the strangely named Sissy and Nush. I mean, Nush, what sort of name is that?

Then there's the inappropriately titled Jon Tickle. He's a Johnny No-Mates and doesn't tickle my funny bone with his desperately dull antics.

We're also being treated to 22-year-old shop assistant Tania Do-Nascimento. Do-nut more like.

And her equally flirtatious and ridiculously named sidekick Anouska Golebiewski - or, Gob as I call her, because she likes talking about herself so much.

Teasing Tania and annoying Anouska have been described as Big Bruv's bimbos. But that's an insult to bimbos everywhere!

Putting their monikers to one side, the 12 housemates of Big Bruv are otherwise, well, pretty normal. The boys are desperate to impress, if you get my drift, and a couple of the girls, at least, are ready to let them.

You can cut the sexual tension in the house with a knife. But that's hardly surprising when Anouska uses every opportunity to get her chest out and flirt outrageously, even in an empty room. She's swum with Fred, um, I mean Fed, she's given Ray the kiss of life, despite him looking in the peak of health, and she's stripped off for a bubble bath while Cameron, from the Orkney outback, looked on.

Anouska has been strutting her stuff from the moment she became the first contestant in the house, completely overdressed in strapless top and skirt split to her groin.

Tania has hit back in the bimbo battle by talking about breasts, mainly hers.

Together Tania and Anouska, Big Bruv's own TA, have flaunted, flirted and vamped it up at every opportunity. Great!

If there's not a Big Bruv bonk this series, I'll be amazed.

Jaded Jon's been massaging Justine, Ray's got the hots for Nush, Scott's getting steamed up over Tania, Gross is sniffing round Steph, Federico fancies anything that moves, Anouska is in love with herself and the chickens are running scared of Cameron.

That leaves only Sissy, but she's a Scouser and doesn't really count.

So far, Big Bruv has also been missing an E for Entertainment. But I'm sure that will change as the group tries living off meagre rations after Fed dropped a rollock"

When it comes to Eurovision Singing, we're good at powering pedalos.

So, why aren't Jemini in the Big Bruv house? (I bet they wished they were last Saturday night).

Let's face it, they would have posed a bigger threat to Europe if they'd tried invading the continent aboard the BB boat. In fact, the scouse duo performed even worse in Europe than Liverpool FC did all this season (and next season, for that matter).

Jemini succeeded only in inflicting massive embarrassment on Britain and permanent hearing damage to every dog within a five-mile radius of Riga.

They trotted out a series of pathetic excuses, worth nul points, including the Iraqi war backlash, political voting and a broken sound system.

It was a lot simpler than that: It was a duff song, sung out of key by a pair of tone-deaf, talentless no-hopers.

Even Latvia got five points, and they sang in Vulcan, a language that doesn't have enough words in its vocabulary to make up a song.

Credit where credit is due, though, Jemini's Gemma Abbey deserved 12 points for presenting the best view and having the best legs on show all night.

Terry Wogan was at his sarcastic best. But the highlight for me was the Maltese presenter who looked like Morticia from the Adams family!

And next year, Eurovision will belong to Turkey. So, no change there"

Almost as funny as Eurovision was Steve Coogan's one-off live show, Paul and Pauline Calf's Ham Sandwich, which brought the return of two of his earliest and funniest characters. It was laugh out loud funny. More please!

Coronation Street kept us entertained with the demise of one romance, Curly and Emma, and the start of another, Dev and Sunita.

Curly and Emma spent the week chucking each other out of the house.

But why are they fighting to live next to Les Battersby?

And Dev has fallen in love with Sunita's nose. Yes, all of it!

Another romance is brewing between a right Wally, otherwise known as Bernard Cribbins, and Tracy. She's fallen for his bank balance and he wants to fall on her chest. Sounds like a fair swap as they both get their hands on each other's valuables.

And finally, Crossroads checked out (not before time) on a completely bizarre note. The bonk-buster hotel, the OTT outfits, the ruthless Samson family, the ridiculous storylines, the dismal dialogue, Max's corny American accent, the rotten acting and even Emma Noble in a jacuzzi, have all been but a dream.

Angel Samson, the maniacal matriarch, played by Jane Asher, was suddenly transformed, Dallas-style, into Angela, a supermarket checkout girl.

Yes, months of sexy shenanigans at the Hedonist Hotel, as I dubbed it, were nothing but her idle daydreams. Which is all right for her, but it's been a bloody nightmare for the rest of us! Good riddance to bad rubbish or, as bobble-hatted Benny would have said: "Miss Diannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!"


Spooks - The Beeb's MI5 thriller series is back with a bang


Holby City - More lives are lost in the world's worst hospital.


C4's Trust Me, I'm A Teenager - Who are they kidding?

Mark Lamarr - heavy metal fan:

N"Kerrang magazine recently voted Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger the ugliest person in rock. It was a double triumph for him that day, as he also came out top in a Claire Sweeney look-a-like contest."

N"During a gig in Portugal, Chad Kroeger was hit on the head by a rock thrown by the crowd, leading the show to be stopped. It infuriated the audience, particularly the one who'd paid a tenner for another two goes."

N"Queen's Brian May can trace his hairstyle back to Louis XVI... and his wife back to the Domesday Book."

OFF KEY - Jemini inflicting their Euro song pain on a dog
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Copyright 2003 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)
Date:May 31, 2003
Previous Article:Family view.
Next Article:Your big chance at games.

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