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A back to front trouser teaser!

Byline: Denis Kilcommons

ILAUGHED my socks off when my wife Maria paused in the living room and confessed with a puzzled expression: "I've just realised. I've got my trousers on back to front."

She only discovered the fact because she was unable to put her hand in her pocket.

Poor old soul, I told her. I'll send for the men in white coats.

And then, yesterday, I was getting ready to take the dog for her morning walk when I discovered I had made the same sartorial faux pas myself and I had my trousers on back to front.

Before jumping to conclusions, there are mitigating circumstances. I am an early riser and sneak from the bedroom so as not to disturb my wife before I dress.

Usually, I meander naked down the corridor to my office (averting my eyes from the full length mirror) before struggling into clothes whilst in a state of near somnambulation. At this time in a morning, it takes me all my time to concentrate on getting my knickers on, never mind trousers, as I have frequently been close to a nasty accident with one foot in and one foot out. A fall could drop me in dangerous proximity to the shredder. The reason for my early rise is to finish working on this column and then dispatch it by email to the Examiner, a task which, in itself is fraught with uncertainty. All offices these days have internet safety devices that reject emails if they contain certain trigger words that might infer the message could be inappropriate, indecent or from the darker side of the web.

I had one email rejected because I had written about a handsome market town about six miles south east of Holmfirth whose name begins with the letter P and ends in stone so I could take no chances with missing my deadline. The column had to be sent in good time for someone to press a panic button if it got waylaid by the electronic censor and did not arrive. It was a lot easier when you sent your copy by cleft stick.

Anyway, that's my excuse for being lax when dressing and discovering my trousers - well, tracksuit bottoms actually - were on the wrong way and I couldn't get my hand in my pocket without dislocating an elbow.

As I had already put on sweater, weatherproof jacket, two pairs of socks (into which said trackies were tucked) and a pair of wellington boots, I didn't bother taking them off and putting them on the correct way.

I would do that when I returned and had my morning shower.

So I went ahead and self consciously walked the fields and byways for half an hour. The dog didn't seem to notice any difference in my attire although I did find myself walking backwards on occasions. As I walked, I pondered my predicament and what my intimates round the bar would make of it if I turned up in such a state and only discovered my mistake when I couldn't get my hand in my pocket. "Poor old soul. He's got his trousers on back to front and can't get his hand in his pocket. No, that's all right. I'll pay for your pint." Well, it could be worth a try.


WRONG TROUSERS: Try wearing them back to front to avoid paying for a round at the bar! ( S)
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Title Annotation:Letters
Publication:Huddersfield Daily Examiner (Huddersfield, England)
Date:Nov 16, 2009
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