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2007 Resolutions.

2006 was to years what O. J. Simpson is to manners and propriety seminars. Like Paris Hilton and advanced trigonometry texts. Michael Richards and Martin Luther King Dinner keynote speeches. Subtract the single sublime twenty-four-hour period of time that was November 7th from the other 8,736 hours we slogged through, and you got yourself a pretty grisly swamp of an annum.

It was the year the President put his hands over his ears and made "la la la" noises whenever confronted with any sort of discouraging word concerning what he deemed proper for the citizens of Iraq, whether it came from the citizens of Iraq, the citizens of America, his own intelligence estimates, bipartisan study groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog.

The year that Americans found out they were being spied on by their own government and their collective response was a yawn wide enough to erect a gift shop inside and start offering donkey tours of the bottom.

The year that Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and the victim apologized.

But this year, 2007, aha! This one's going to be different. Why?

Because we resolve it to be. Yeah. Unh hunh.

Everybody uses the posting of a new calendar to make plans to change their nefarious ways. You know: diet, quit smoking, more exercise, stop invading countries, less killing of innocent people. Boring do-gooder stuff, mostly. Meant for the furthering of the self.

Here's a list of resolutions that people should have made on January 1, but probably didn't:

* George Bush's staff pledges to make sure that all reports sent to him come with plenty of pictures, broadly drawn cartoons, and a new pack of crayons.

* Democrats pledge to work out their differences with those hardline partisan hacks who refuse to compromise before reaching out to Republicans.

* Tony Snow takes an oath to never open another White House press conference with "Who wants a piece of me?"

* Snoop Dogg determines this is the year he gets his face off the default position of police department mug shot computer programs.

* Dennis Kucinich vows that in this year's Iowa straw poll, he will not lose to the straw.

* Kate Moss resolves to eat a hamburger every time she even thinks of snorting a line of coke.

* Illinois Senator Barack Hussein Obama vows he will now be known as Barry.

* Bill O'Reilly vows to defy that Al Qaeda death list, whether it exists or not.

* California's new attorney general, Jerry Brown, promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is this Earth and more on crime in the Golden State.

* A reinvigorated Al Gore vows to use strobe lights during press conferences to give the appearance of movement.

* Trent Lott commits himself, sometime, during the year, to stumble onto the boarding platform of the Clue Train.

* Vladimir Putin makes an oath to do everything in his power to keep from ever having to assassinate another journalist. Oh wait, sorry, that's get caught assassinating another journalist. Or ex-KGB agent. Or Moscow businessman.

* The long distance giants affirm their commitment to continue merging and merging and merging until they eventually coalesce into one single entity which they will rename Ma Bell.

* The Iraq Study Group vows to try and capture the President's attention by re-releasing its report under the name Iraq Recess Group.

Will Durst is a comedian of sorts and his commentaries can be heard twice weekly at audible, com/willdurst.
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Title Annotation:Off the Map
Author:Durst, Will
Publication:The Progressive
Date:Feb 1, 2007
Previous Article:Linton Kwesi Johnson.
Next Article:You Made the Iraqis Their Scarves.

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