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'ORRIBLE SHOWER; THE ANTI-BIG BROTHER PAPER Final shocking orgy in Halfwit House.

Byline: KEVIN O'SULLIVAN Anti-Big Brother correspondent

THIS is the way the world ends. Not with a whimper, but almost with a bang.

Yes, Big Bore staggered to its tedious conclusion after one last night of scarcely believable booze fuelled degradation. And we came THAT close to full sex.

Phwoar!

As the "winner" was salivating over the totally undeserved pounds 70,000 prize, long-suffering viewers were still trying to recover from the effects of witnessing some of the most disgusting scenes ever on British television.

Even Channel 4's manipulative puppet masters must have been ruing the day they opted to turn series three into an alcohol-drenched festival of heavy petting.

Because the prurient penultimate evening left such a nasty taste that the "thrilling" Friday finale was completely overshadowed.

Is this what we've come to? Gawping at a quartet of brain-dead morons talking utter filth while playing with each other's genitals!

As they performed drunken sex acts on each other and unravelled in sickening style, it was as if the feeble foursome were determined to underline all that has been wrong with the worst programme in TV history.

Channel 4's saga of nothingness has been tedious in the extreme.

But as I gazed in horror at Thursday night's excruciating orgy, I had to concede this atrocious spectacle wasn't dull. Rather, it was shocking.

It was only to be expected that knicker-boiler Kate, whining Essex boy Alex, poor put-upon Jade and sunken-faced Geordie git Jonny would once again reveal themselves to be the lowest of the low.

But I've got to hand it to them. In their final act of self-humiliation, the remaining Halfwit House cretins didn't pull any punches.

Their repulsive antics unfolded after the baffling dinner "party" when they all made pathetic speeches before addressing the real purpose of the evening: Getting slaughtered.

By the early hours of yesterday morning, they were all showering together as world-class moaner Alex and molester Jonny (enjoying his ideal, filthy raincoat-style sexual environment) stripped naked.

Then the dreadful duo flashed at the girls before forcibly ripping Kate's bikini off.

While Alex mused on the topic of wet dreams, Jade exposed her breasts and began to "pleasure" the groaning Essex boy. He weakly admonished her - before employing his big toe in an unconventional manner involving Jade's, er, womanhood.

Alex was later sick in the bathroom and, with Kate's pledge earlier this week to give up drinking merely a distant memory, everyone was all tucked up in bed by 6.30am. Here are the edited lowlights of the script to a sorry saga which can be seen as an appropriate farewell from the four most severely exploited victims of Channel 4's sadistic circus of cruelty. As I sign off after nine numbing weeks, this is what it all came down to. And, with a sense of deep sadness, I have nothing else to say.

Here are the highlights (heavily edited in an attempt to retain some last semblance of propriety):

Jonny asks Alex if he has experienced any orgasms in his sleep.

ALEX: "I never had any until I came in this place and I've had three. And I feel completely disgusted about it."

JONNY: "I've had one in here."

JADE: "So have I."

***KATE (laughing) tells Jonny and Jade as they huddle in the pool: "Alex has got a stiffy."

JONNY: "Everybody hide. Alex has drowned in embarrassment."

ALEX: "Hey Jonny, you're a w*****. I can't believe you did that. It's only because Kate was fiddling with me that it happened."

JONNY: "What was she doing?"

ALEX: "She was fiddling with me."

KATE: "That's not true. I was listening to his erotic dreams."

JADE: "Kate's been fiddling with Alex, Kate's been fiddling with Alex."

ALEX: "I'm not bothered but Jonny tapped it and it was only half a one. Oh s***."

KATE: "Alex you're so rude. I was not fiddling with you. You are a liar."

JONNY: "I want to be fiddled with."

ALEX: "Jonny you're not allowed to. You've got a f***ing fiancee. So you're not allowed to."

JONNY: "It might make her jealous."

02.24: The housemates are having a bath together. Alex is sat down straddling Jade from behind while she jigs about and sings "feel my body pumping, you know it feels right" (lyrics from Rui da Silva, Touch Me).

ALEX: "Jade, stop it. She's rubbing against me. Jade, stop it please."

JADE: "No, I'm not."

KATE: "Jade, stop it."

JADE: "OK. I won't do it anymore. As long as your bum cheeks keep caressing me."

JONNY: "I'll swap with Jade."

JADE: "I'm not moving."

KATE: "Jade you're thrusting against Alex I can tell."

JADE: "No I'm not."

ALEX: Jade get your hands off."

JADE: "OK. I won't touch you anymore, I want to but I won't."

04.03: Still sharing a bath.

JADE: "I've had thrush. I've had cystitis. You can't count how many times."

KATE: "How do you think you get cystitis though?"

JADE: "It's an infection."

KATE: "No. Well my doctor said it was from having rough sex. And I've only ever had cystitis when I have had a boyfriend.

"Apparently you must make sure you go to the toilet before and after you have sex. My doctor even prescribed me a tablet for after every time I had sex.

JADE: "I had a cervical cancer scare and they did tests when I was awake and they stuck a needle in my Lulu. And they told me it can be caused by sleeping with loads of people."

"I said excuse me, I've only slept with four people."

CAPTION(S):

AGE; WHAT A SHOWER: The half naked housemates plumb new depths of taste as they grope each other for hours in the bathroom after their drunken party in Halfwit House
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Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jul 27, 2002
Words:961
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