off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

ONE of this columnist's hobbies is spotting lookalikes, though admittedly we are not always brilliant at it.

We are pleased to discover, however, that we are not alone. A reader, who signs himself only as George, emailed yesterday to tell us he has a mate who is constantly doing the same thing - and awards them marks, too. For example: "Look over there ... the guy at the bus stop - Dustin Hoffman, 8/10." Or "woman in the caff - Julie Walters, 7/10". Sometimes, says George, his marks are pretty accurate. Often not.

He excelled himself in a Glasgow city centre pub at the weekend. "Don't look now," he whispered to our correspondent. "Standing at the bar there - Frank McGarvey, 9/10."

Our correspondent stole a glance. And he had to admit that this time the resemblance was pretty good.

"I'll give you that one," he said to his mate.

Just then, the man at the bar finished his conversation and made for the pub exit. "Cheerio, Frank," shouted the barman.

For yes, it was he. Not fair, spotting lookalikes that are actually one and the same person. That's cheating.

THIS year will no doubt see its fair share of milestones. One of the more interesting ones will occur on April 29, give or take a few days.

For according to a Texas-based organisation called the Global Language Monitor, that is when the English language is expected to acquire its millionth word, going by the current rate at which new ones turn up.

We would like to help bring this date forward by suggesting some new ones of our own. For example:

Tandumb - a pairing of Tommy Sheridan and Michelle Heaton.

Resession - a shortage of cash caused by overindulging in the pub.

Doledrums - state induced by rising unemployment.

Orthodocs - GPs who take up dentistry.

More contributions welcome.

BRITNEY SPEARS spent Hogmanay in New Orleans attending the wedding of her brother, Bryan, to showbiz manager Graciella Sanchez. Today, January 5, the couple are still together. In their world, that calls for a golden wedding party and a telegram from the President.

AGEING rockers The Dead have announced their first tour in more than five years - they will play 19 north American dates in April and May. At first the name didn't ring any bells with us, and then we were informed that the band used to be known as The Grateful Dead.

To think we used to have one of their albums, too. So much for gratitude.

IT was reported yesterday that Jonathan Ross may be given his own, personal censor by the BBC when he starts back later this month.

Apparently, every single word he utters on air will be monitored by a "morality minder" and Ross will be expected to "comply, or someone will be tapping him on his shoulder".

We sincerely hope this isn't true. Why should Ross be given special treatment? After all, anyone else who wants this service has to marry it.

Email:[e-mail]

Blog: http://patroller.dailyrecordblogs.co.uk/

CAPTION(S):

WE have a theory that the new Doctor Who, Matt Smith, may be related to former Undertones star Feargal Sharkey, if the resemblance is anything to go by. Which prompts the surreal question - if a good heart is hard to find, how much easier would it be for a Time Lord, who has two?