off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

DON'T say this too loudly in case the baby is trying to sleep, but it seems the lullaby may be dying out.

A survey by toy firm Baby Einstein has found that fewer than 14 per cent of mothers sing traditional lullabies these days, largely because they don't know the words. As a service to the infants of today, here's a couple to get you started, suitably updated of course. Twinkle,twinkle, little star, How I wonder who you are. I see you on that TV show, But I really want to know, Is this all just so much farce, Or are you really such an ar*** No, hang on, let's have another go: Hush, little baby,don't say a word, Mama's just bought you a mobile phone. And if that mobile phone don't ring, That's because I've just found out it ain't a safe thing. The Government have told us you shouldn't have it, I'm going tell the pushy salesman where to shove it . . . Damn. One last try: Rock-a-bye baby,in the tree top, When the wind blows,the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks,the cradle will fall, And you can bet I will sue the breeks off them all.

Ach, to heck. Back to a drop of whisky on the dummy.

WE are happy to clear one matter up ... Prince Harry DIDN'T borrow that Nazi uniform from Princess Michael.

AN intriguing mental picture is conjured up by Naturally Blonde actress Reese Witherspoon in an interview with In Style magazine.'I have extreme anxiety in front of crowds,'she said.'I sweat in places I didn't know you could sweat.' What,is she doing photocalls at the Tesco freezer cabinets now?

BINMEN could soon be giving treatment to heart attack patients in a rural area of England. Under a plan being considered by Staffordshire Moorlands Council, crews would be issued with electric-shock defibrillators. Of course, patients would be required to stay standing. Anyone lying by the side of the road would need to make an appointment for a special uplift.

TODAY sees the start of the International Mime Festival in London. Let's hope there isn't a repeat of that unfortunate incident last year when one performer accidentally touched a live cable and was left twitching on stage for five minutes.No one called an ambulance.They all assumed he was a mime artist with a stutter.

THE SILLY SATURDAY JOKE

MARGARET was devoted to her husband Alec, and had spent her life taking care of him. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When his eyes flickered open, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said: 'You know what, Margaret? You've been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got run over, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health failed, you were by my side. You know what?' 'What, dear?' she asked gently.

'I think you're a b***** jinx.'