muse mail

Dear Muse and Fellow Musers,

Yo! I love your article "The Bias Hunters." Diane Ravitch, I absotively agree with everything you've said and explained. What's up with the rejection of "The Arrogant King"? If the bias committee thinks that kings are worthless fools, maybe they should read up on the Boston Tea Party and its cause. And I LOVE the Images to Avoid. Especially the one about people of color as gangsters and criminals. People think it's okay to use people of color as "gangsters," "players," "pimps," and "street people," because Lil John, Jay-Z and Nelly do in their songs, but it's not. I am a HUGE rap fan and that's no excuse. Who's to say a white person cannot commit a crime, be in a gang, or be notorious? I also LOVE "Under Your Skin." On the outside, I have pale skin, fair hair and freckles, but I'm Native American, Mexican, Black, French, Irish, Scottish, Italian, and Spanish. And when I use words like "Yo," "Dogg," and "Homies," and phrases like "What up?," "Word to yo" mother," and "home skillet biscuit" with my friends (white or black), who also talk that way, I get funny looks from the parents at my karate school. Anyway, I just wanted to let fellow Musers know that they should KEEP TRACK OF THE MARCH 2006 ISSUE!

Your multicultural fan,

Carolyn B., age 11, Connecticut

We love your letter, Carolyn! We're so relieved that you liked the issue, especially since you know karate, and we just hate it when people break our legs with their hands while shouting "home skillet biscuit" in Japanese!

-the Muses

Hello, Muse!

I just finished reading your article with all the stuff about language. And I was reading the Muse Mail section (which I don't normally do) when I actually read some hate mail. I was surprised and a little, no, very muchly so upset (for lack of a better word) that someone would say those things. Calling you nerds, too! I MEAN, I've heard of people like that, but only in fairy tales. And they usually end up dying in the end, although I really doubt Laney and Tiffany would bother dying for one so insignificant as me. Then I started laughing, thinking about them hiding a copy of Muse when their friends come to sleep over, or whatever it is popular people do.

Your upside-down friend,

Midday Moon, age 14, South Carolina

I don't mind an overlong word,

I don't like to be part of the herd.

I hate to see distinctions blurred,

I enjoy being a nerd!

-Crraw

Dear Muse,

This is kind of several letters in one . . .

Dear Koko, Feather is not "dumb as a post," as you said he is in the May/June issue. He may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he's not that stupid. Feather is my favorite Muse, because he's so helpful and considerate.

Dear Larry Gonick, I believe it was a slight to Feather's honor when you depicted him not realizing that his acorn grew into a tree (April 2006). As the Muse of Plants, he would have known better. Please don't start "dumbing down" Feather! And as long as I'm writing to you, I might as well say that your May/June "Kokopelli and Co." was just plain weird. And slightly disturbing.

Dear Anyone in General, About "English as She is Spoke" . . . hee hee hee HA HA! On the other hand, the article on the Pocahontas movie . . . bleh. To those of you who have seen any Pocahontas movie whatsoever, especially the Disney one, Pocahontas and John Smith NEVER, EVER, EVER fell in love! Got that? OK.

Dear Tiffany and Laney, Of course we're nerds, and we're proud of it! I myself happen to be a Drama Nerd, which is even nerdier than a Computer Nerd, because Computer Nerds are actually good for something. (They can fix your computer if it breaks.) But Drama Nerds just memorize lines, rehearse, and perform. I am proud to be myself, even if myself is a Drama Nerd. I'd rather be a Muse-reading Drama Nerd than a stuck-up preteen who only thinks about popularity and a couple of famousish people named something like Foo-foo Pachinka. And reading Muse has never done anything to harm my social life. My Drama Nerd friends like me for who I am, and I love them like family.

Finally, to the Editors: Publish this email, or I will burn your cows.

Au revoir, Ananas,

Caitlin, age 17, Empress of Drama Nerds and sugar-coated marshmallow bunny-rabbits

Wow, thanks, Caitlin! There's something here for everyone! I'll answer for all of 'em. When I said "dumb as a post," I was thinking of some very excellent posts of my acquaintance. There's dependable Parcel Post, brave Outpost, hip and happening Blog Post, attentive Listening Post, and far-seeing Goal Post. As for the stupid cartoonist, I don't know HOW he forgot to add the line, "don't try this at home" to that gruesome tale of failed brain surgery.

-Kokopelli

Dear Muse,

Your May/June 2006 issue made me laugh so hard I almost cried! That insane letter from Tiffany C. and Laney R.! I can't believe you printed that. I have a feeling that those two are going to get a lot of hate mail in the next few magazines and will be regarded by all Muse readers as nerds for the rest of eternity. I CANNOT believe them!!

Sincerely,

Sylvie N., Washington

Why don't you believe we printed the letter, Sylvie? You saw it with your own eyes. A truly scientific approach requires us to take the evidence of our senses VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY even if-SPLAT!!

-Chad

Dear Muse,

Tiffany and Laney have insulted the great and powerful Muses! Therefore, they must suffer by studying A LOT of random facts, staying awake until 12:00 midnight, studying the stars, planting HUGE gardens, playing pranks on themselves, creating VERY, VERY, VERY hi-tech machines, saying bad poetry to everyone they meet, being nice to them, and donating $100 to the zoo every week.

Reyn C., Colorado

Is it my imagination, or does my keen analytical brain detect a pattern here?

-Urania

Dear Muse,

A very strange thing happened to me today: while I was reading the fan mail of your latest issue, I came across the phrase "Pwt pwns." Of course, being so ignorant to all the stuff people say these days, I did not know what "pwns" meant. So, I went to my trusty Merriam-Webster Dictionary to look it up. Sadly, no entry under "pwns." But wait! On that page (page 587, second column, 8th entry) I saw the word 'Pwt!' To my dismay, however, I got "pwt abbr penny weight." Just what was a penny weight?"pen*ny*weight \-,wa-t\ n-see WEIGHT table." Darn!!! Page 826: *pant pant* "cwt- hundred weight," no... WAIT!!! LIES!!! I SAW LIES!!! THERE WAS NO "PENNY WEIGHT"!!! AARGH!!! *angry running in circles* Leaving me to wonder just what a "Pwt" was. And "pwns."

Elizabeth B., age 13, standing right behind you

"Pwns" is a typographical error for "owns." Somebody mistyped it ages ago and the phrase stuck. "Pwt" isn't an English word, and even I don't know what it means, because I lost my English-Ancient Egyptian dictionary.

-Chad

Dear Muse,

My name is Katherine and I am 18 years old. When I was in sixth grade, my dad got me a subscription to a new magazine called Muse. I am now a freshman at the University of Michigan, and I have been a subscriber since the very first issue of Muse was published! Muse has always been one of my favorite magazines, but I think it's time to end my subscription. In hopes of avoiding the Fan Mail Pit and the pink bunnies, I have included a picture of me reading Muse on the equator in Kenya last summer. Also, I take my vote and say that AEIOU is my favorite Muse! I miss the days when she could talk. Thanks for being such a great magazine, Muse!

Katherine M., age 19, Michigan

And thank YOU, Katherine, for being such a great subscriber! We'll miss you!

-Mimi

'Bye!

-Bo

Don't crow, I mean, go!

-Pwt

I carrot think of a thing to say. It's bean wonderful, and I'm sorrel to see you leaf.

-Feather

You prepped for your excellent college By mining our magazine's knowledge!

-Crraw

One of these days, Katherine, you're going to wake up in your dorm room to such a SPLAT. . .

-Kokopelli

Wow! You subscribed for eight Earth years! Or is that nine . . . ?

-Urania

Wait . . . don't go . . . are you sure this isn't because you're embarrassed to have COLLEGE KIDS see you reading a "kids'" magazine? I'm sure I can arrange to ship your subscription in a discreet ENVELOPE OF INVISIBILITY.

-Chad

Sob . . . blubber. . .

-Aeiou

Send letters to Muse Mail, 140 S. Dearborn Street, Suite 1450, Chicago, IL 60603, or send them by e-mail to [e-mail].

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