muse mail

Dear Muse,

I really must object to your magazine!! There is no Muse that has a mental or physical handicap, is there? You are being very discriminatory to people with handicaps by not including a new Muse. You are also being racist against American Indians by using Kokopelli as your Muse of tricks! Wasn't Koko some sort of god to the Hopi Indians, even though he was the god of tricks? Yes, I just checked! You are insinuating that the American Indians were tricksters. Koko, did you know that Koko means "God" and PeIIi means "desert robberfly?" What a name! Anyway, Larry Gonick, I demand that you resign at once for your racist and discriminatory cast of Muses!

I hope you guys know I'm kidding.

I think Muse is the greatest! I liked this March's issue ("Under Your Skin"). But I took the Implicit Association Test, and I was shocked! I never thought I was biased in any way, but I got "Moderate Preference for Whites."

Austin R.

I resent the implication that none of the Muses are mentally or physically challenged! Haven't you noticed that Feather is as dumb as a post?

-Kokopelli

Actually, Austin, several Muses have shortcomings of one kind or another. Chad is great with hardware but insensitive to feelings; Urania is a math whiz but impractical; Kokopelli is cute and funny but lacks impulse control and basic morals; and you can probably finish the list yourself. I think you Il find that there's only one completely fault-free Muse, but my overwhelming natural modesty doesn't allow me to name her.

-Mimi

Dear Muse,

Here I am at Everest Base Camp, apparently holding a Muse. Actually, as we drove up the bumpy road to Base Camp, I suddenly realized I had forgotten to bring a Muse, so instead I borrowed my dad's Atlantic Monthly and later pasted in a Muse, hoping it would look realistic.

Owen S.

Aeiou loves the way computers let you chance photographs, Owen. But she wonders: how do we know you didn't paste in the picture of Everest Base Camp? For all we know, you were really standing on the moon!

-Crraw

Now there's an idea. Are there any readers out there with pictures of themselves reading Muse on an extraterrestrial body?

-Urania

Hi, Musel

Okay, you can't possibly comprehend how long I've been meaning to write you! Yay! I'm finally doing it! Anyway, I wrote because of the "Kokopelli and Company" in the February 2006 issue. It got me thinking: what if there were Muses that were as much smaller than the Minis as the Minis are smaller than MegaFeather? What if there were ones even smaller than that? On the other side of the scale, what if there were even bigger Muses than the Megas? What if there were an infinite number of sizes of Muses, getting smaller and smaller or larger and larger? What if the whole universe we know of is actually one of Kokopelli's pies, flying obliviously on for several hundred billion years, then-SPLAT!

As you may imagine, this made me fairly dizzy, and I had to lie down for a while. Speaking of "Kokopelli and Company," I absolutely love it!! Three cheers for the artist-at-large, Larry Gonick! (I read the Cartoon History of the World books-one of them, anyway-and liked them, too!)

One thing that annoys me is that it seems that in order to get published, you have to:

a) Include a photo of yourself reading Muse, and/or

b) Be from a really weird place, and/or

c) Include a really bizarre threat, i.e., "If you put my letter in the FMP, I will . . ."

THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!! What if:

a) Your parents refuse to take a picture of you reading Muse, and/or

b) You have the misfortune to be from a boring place, and/or

c) You don't WANT to put dire threats in your letter-"Make love, not war!"

Oh well. Here goes. If you try to put this in the FMP, it will blow up everyone's pants, in honor of the exploding trousers issue. Then it will begin to spread the bubonic plague, in honor of the Black Death issue. Those who survive will have the pleasure of being sucked, along with all the dead bodies, into a black hole, in honor of one of my favorite issues ever! Then I will take over Muse and print whatever nonsense I want! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Peace, love, and pineapples,

Aimee W., a.k.a. Astro Woman, age 14

Your letter, Aimee, reminds me of the story of the ancient sage Swam: Goanandanandanda, who explained that the world rested on the back of a turtle. A student asked what the turtle was standing on. "Another turtle, " replied the sage. "And what does that turtle stand on?" the student persisted. "It's turtles, "said the swami, "all the way down. "

-Bo

Hm . . . do you suppose the universe could really be a pie? That would explain all the raisins. I'll have to look into this, as soon as I get this banana cream off my face . . .

-Urania

My dearest Muses, editors, writers, graphic artists, publishers, workers, paper printers, distributors, postmen and -women, and all others who get Muse to me each and every month,

In your March 2006 issue, there was an article about the recently discovered gene in zebrafish that corresponds to a gene that is responsible for skin color in humans. My dad did research for and co-authored the original paper in Science magazine with this discovery. When we first got March's Muse, which is all about skin color, we thought of this discovery but didn't expect it to actually be in the magazine. My dad was so excited to be in a magazine that I read regularly. After reading the article out loud, both my parents (my mom also has a PhD in biology) commented that not only was the article better written with a better grasp of the concept than the local newspapers, but it was better than the article that appeared in Nature, one of the most prestigious science magazines. I wanted to thank you for so beautifully combining current science with a difficult topic like racism. I'm proud to say I've loved your magazine since I first got it. There aren't many other people who would so fearlessly publish articles on racism and prejudice in a children's magazine. Congratz . . . u rule.

Love to you all ... except Kokopelli. No, just kidding. Koko, i luvs u.

Hannah G., age 14, 1 month, and 16 days

Wow! Thanks for the good words, Hannah! Better than Nature? Cooti

-the Editors

That must explain why so few of our readers subscribe to Nature.

-the Muses

Hello, Muse . . .

Both me and my friend Tiffany have had a subscription to your magazine for the last two years. Before you think we wanted to get Muse, you should know that for both of us it was a present from our grandmothers. Yeah, I guess you've had a few interesting articles, but the rest are sooo nerdy! I hate to break it to you, but you have to know, you guys are NERDS! For example, that article on vitamins affecting your skin color was sooo nerdy. Of course, I didn't read it because it looked sooo boring, but I saw that weird picture of the girls AND boys standing around some green thing in their granny underwear! How much money did you pay them to stand around halfnaked in front of members of the opposite sex and put the picture in a magazine that is read by every nerd in the country? Not to mention every popular 12-year-old with a grandma who thinks we'd actually LIKE this magazine. You bother us. Nerds bother us. Nerds like you. We are not nerds and we will not let your magazine threaten our social status. Why don't you put in an article about Coco Chanel or Carolina Herrera, if you know who they are. Oh yeah, don't put this e-mail in your little "fan mail place" or whatever. Your readers should know how damaging this could be to their social lives.

Your saviors,

Tiffany C. and Laney R.

Love ya . . . not

Oh dear. Tiffany ana Laney, we're sorry! But please believe us, we understand what we did wrong, and we promise to do better. All these years, we've been making the mistake of being ourselves, but now that we see how offensh'e that is, we'll try extrahard to be how we're not!

-Mimi

Yes, like, for example, right now I'm not wondering if you girls are pulling our leg.

-Normally suspicious Pwt

Of course I know Coco Chanel-she's my cousin! Her name was originally Coco-shnelli, but she changed it to sound more French.

-Koko du Puelle

Send letters to Muse Mail, 140 S. Dearborn Street, Suite 1450, Chicago, IL 60603, or send them by e-mail to [e-mail].