contest winners

FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

Way back in April 2004 we asked you to write a parody of a well-known fairy tale. Then we got distracted by other things, and a lot of time passed. At long last a handsome prince woke us with a smooch ... just kidding. We're finally getting around to publishing some of your entries in this issue. We're not calling them winners this time, because there were so many great parodies we couldn't really choose. It would have been splitting hairs ... long, long hairs dangling from the window of a tower surrounded by briars. Sorry. Momentarily lost it. So we put two entries here, and some more on www.cricketmag.com (click on "For Kids" when you get there). If you don't find your story on that site but would still like to see it posted on the Web, have your parents email [e-mail] granting permission, and we will post it at www.musefanpage.com.

Snow White and the Nine Dwarves

Once upon a time there was a princess named Snow White who was quite dense, so when her evil stepmother told her to get lost in the woods, she did. Now, Snow White was a beautiful young woman, with long eyelashes and long, black hair. She always wore a red dress because she was so silly. She would not put on any other clothes. But her beauty made up for all her flaws, and that is why certain dwarves who had met her wandering in their forest made her their servant.

This story begins in the dwarves' home while Kokopelli was making a trap in case any unwanted visitors came along. "All I need is one more banana-cream pie and I will be all finished," the dwarf was saying.

"Really, Kokopelli," said the head dwarf Mimi. "You really don't believe any unwanted visitors will come, do you?"

"They could," Feather said, adjusting his fake beard.

"Yeah!" Pwt panted as she chased Crraw around the cramped house. "That is what Hansel and Gretel did-gotcha!" She had captured the crow-dwarf in her net.

"Alas, alas!" cried Crraw. "I will be killed / By this lady ferocious / I should have been born / A bit more precocious."

"What does 'ferocious' mean?" Snow White asked, her forehead wrinkling in puzzlement as she dusted the mantel.

"Be quiet!" Kokopelli launched one of his banana-cream pies at her.

Chad, sensing trouble, stood up from his chair. "I think I'll go write an article for our magazine," he said.

"I'll join you," Bo told him. "I need to finish my 'How to Chew and Stare into Space' article." She tried to stand up, but her beard tangled her legs.

Kokopelli laughed.

Bo snorted. "You wouldn't find it so funny if you had four legs." She stalked out.

"I'll help you write, I guess," Urania said hurriedly, and ran after the cow-oops, dwarf. "Come on, Aeiou." Feather, Kokopelli, Mimi, and Aeiou (tripping over her fake beard) followed Urania out the door.

Pwt picked up her bundle of captured crow-turned-dwarf and turned to Snow White. "Don't forget to wash the pots," she said, and then went out the door.

Snow White looked at the dirty pots and sighed. "They are so dirty," she said in her squeaky voice. "I will never get them clean."

"Yoo-hoo, anybody home?" called a mean voice. A footstep sounded on the doorstep, then in walked Snow White's stepmother disguised as a peddler! "Hello, pretty girl!" she cooed at her stepdaughter. "You need some dish soap, don't you. I just happen to have some here."

"Who are you?" Snow White asked as Stepmother pulled a box of soap from her bag.

"A poor, traveling peddler," Stepmother said slyly. "Won't you buy this?" She held out a green box. "Come, come, you needn't be afraid. I would even give it to you for free!"

Snow White took it and poured it onto the pots. "It looks like fun to play with!" she shrieked. But she had barely touched the soap before she fell down to the floor, to all appearances dead.

Stepmother cackled as she left the house, but triggered Kokopelli's just-completed trap and was smothered to death by banana-cream pies.

A few minutes later, the dwarves, minus Pwt and Crraw, reentered the house, Kokopelli overjoyed to see that his trap had succeeded. "Look at poor Snow White!" Urania said softly. "She's dead!" All of them began crying.

"We should stop," Mimi sobbed. "Our disguises are coming off because of the dampness." But they went on crying and crying until they heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Bo asked.

"Me," a man's voice said ominously, as he stepped into the room. Frightened, all of the dwarves dove for cover.

"It-it-it's the MUSE Cartoonist!" Feather stammered from behind Bo, who was attempting to hide all six of the remaining "dwarves."

"I have been looking for-"Mr. Muse Cartoonist stopped and stared at Snow White. "Oh, what a beauty!" he cried, kneeling beside her. "Oh, what grace."

"EWWW!" Kokopelli cried with disgust as they smooched.

Snow White came back to consciousness. She stared up into Mr. Muse Cartoonist's face and fainted again. The Cartoonist picked her up and glared at the Muses. "I will come back for you later, you runaways," he said sternly.

"But we don't like you,"Kokopelli said, pouting. "You make us do things we don't like. Maybe for once I'd like to throw a cherry pie!"

"I will be back anyway," Mr. Muse Cartoonist said, and walked out the door. "In the meantime, Snow White and I will marry, and she will share my kingdom."

The Muses gaped at him. "You have a kingdom?" Feather finally asked.

"Because 56 of my cousins recently died tragic deaths, I, being 57th in line to the crown, have finally come to claim it." He stopped suddenly and stared. "Where are Pwt and Crraw?"

Mimi spoke up. "Pwt captured Crraw, Crraw got away, and Pwt's out chasing him."

"Nonsense! Crraw's never been caught before, and Pwt certainly could not have caught him now. Stop telling stories! Goodbye." Mr. Muse Cartoonist turned to leave. "I'll be back in a few days to collect you."

As he disappeared from sight, the Muses groaned. "What disguise are we going to wear next?" Bo asked.

"We could dress up as dishes and hide in a castle!" Kokopelli said in a burst of inspiration, and they walked off into unknown adventures. Everyone lived happily ever after-except Mr. Muse Cartoonist, who is still trying to find the Muses.

Bridgette M., age 13

Missouri

Seven Fairy Tales at One Blow

Once upon a time, in the middle of the Canadian wilderness, there lived a young girl named Little Red Riding Hood and her mother. They were very poor, and their only possession was a moose. One day they ran completely out of food (because a group of gambling Elves came by demanding payment for fixing a deck of cards for Red Riding Hood's mother), so Red Riding Hood's mother sent her out to sell the moose. Red Riding Hood then went skipping aimlessly into the forest, searching for someone to sell the moose to. She spotted a wolf frying three pieces of bacon and decided to go see if he would buy the moose.

"You want to buy a moose, eh?" she asked him.

"No, I will not buy your moose," he said, "but I will trade you for it, if you guess my name. If you guess it correctly, I will give you, in return for your moose, a magic piece of cheese!"

Red Riding Hood thought for a moment. "Is your name Bill?"

The wolf dropped the piece of cheese in front of her, for she had guessed his name. She took the cheese and merrily skipped back home.

When her mother saw the cheese, she became very angry, threw the cheese into the toilet, and stalked off to watch her bad soap operas. Unbeknownst to either of them, inside of the cheese were magic almonds, which in the night grew into a giant almond stalk. The next morning Red Riding Hood awoke and saw the stalk growing out of what was once their bathroom. Then, for no real reason, she decided to climb it. About halfway up the almond stalk, she came upon a gingerbread man that was also climbing the stalk.

"Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread ..."

After Red Riding Hood devoured the talking pastry, she continued climbing until she reached the top, way up in the clouds. She peered over the tops of the clouds and spotted, off in the distance, an enormous trailer. Driven by curiosity, she defied laws of physics and walked on the puffy, white cloud-tops toward the trailer. She crawled underneath the crack between the floor and the door. Red Riding Hood scanned the inside of the trailer, and she spotted, perched atop a shelf in the kitchen, a golden rooster.

Red Riding Hood called up to him, "Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your long hair!"

"I'm a bird, I don't have any hair!" he responded, "and my name's Ted!"

Fluuuushhh! ... then the sound of large feet dragging along the carpet. Red Riding Hood quickly dove underneath the refrigerator and peered out to see a Giant, clad in heart-print boxers and an undershirt covered with grease stains. He turned to the rooster. "Hey, chicken, it's time for you to lay me another golden egg."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A ROOSTER, I CAN'T LAY EGGS!"

The Giant ignored the rooster's plea and just stood there, scratching his head. Suddenly, he started scanning the room and sniffing.

"Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman."

"I'm Canadian, ya hoser," said Red Riding Hood, accidentally blowing her cover. The Giant dove down and tried to snatch her out from underneath the fridge, but she jumped up on his hand and scurried up his arm and up to his shaggy scalp. Before he could reach up and crush her, she discovered a conveniently placed trampoline, which she hopped onto and bounced off and then flew through the air and landed next to the golden rooster. Red Riding Hood jumped onto the back of the poultry and said, "Fly, birdie, fly!"

"Has everyone suddenly become stupid!" he shouted. "I'm a rooster! I cannot fly, and I cannot lay eggs!"

Suddenly a strong breeze blew through an open window and blew Red Riding Hood and the Golden Rooster off the shelf and out of the trailer. They wafted all the way to the almond stalk and then began climbing down.

Unbeknownst to our heroes (and the Giant), below, the almond stalk was being chewed by a legion of rats. The Pied Piper had lost a card game to Red Riding Hood's mother several days earlier and had become enraged when he discovered she had had some Elves fix the deck. Red Riding Hood and the chicken made it down just in time. The Giant was only halfway down when the rats finally bit through the last of it. The stalk collapsed and the Giant plummeted to the ground.

After that day Little Red Riding Hood and her mother were never poor again, because when the Giant hit the ground, he crushed the wolf underneath him and they found 10 billion dollars in Canadian pennies on the wolf. This money had belonged to the late three pigs (they had removed the "little" once they had struck it rich on the pickle market, because "little" offended them). Red Riding Hood and her mother also got their moose back. The Giant survived the fall but later disappeared after eating some porridge that belonged to the Mafia Bear Family. Besides that, they all lived happily ever after (although the rooster needed much expensive therapy).

Andy D., age 13

Florida

muse contest

ONE-MINUTE MYSTERY

This time we want you to write a mini murder mystery. But we learned our lesson with those fairy tales, which-no offense-sort of went on and on. So please keep your whodunit to one page. It should be possible, but not easy, to solve the crime on the basis of the clues you provide. Points for difficulty will be given to locked-room mysteries or ones featuring a well-known detective. The most fiendishly clever puzzles will be printed in the May/June 2005 issue of Muse.

Contest Rules

1. Your contest entry must be your very own original work. Ideas and words should not be copied.

2. Be sure to include your name, age, and full address on your entry.

3. Only one entry per person, please.

4. If you want your work returned, enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

5. All entries must be signed by a parent or legal guardian, saying it's your own work and that no help was given. For detailed information about our compliance with the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act, visit the Policy page at www.cricketmag.com.

6. Your entry must be received by January 31, 2005. We will publish the winning entries in the May/June 2005 issue of Muse.

7. Send entries to Muse Contest, 140 S. Dearborn St., Suite 1450, Chicago, IL 60603. No faxes, please, but entries may be emailed to [e-mail].

© 2005 Carus Publishing Company Provided by ProQuest LLC. All Rights Reserved.