Zimbabwe is out. Isn't it brilliant?

Mugabe fought again, won again, and the Commonwealth has lost. The white members' overweening arrogance and insurmountable contempt for black self-determination has blown their anachronistic house down. They never learn, do they? They always end up destroying what they claim to value. Here is a letter that I've written to a friend of mine in South Africa.

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"Happy 10th Anniversary! Congratulations, this is the dawning of the year of South Africa. Yes, I know you think those selfish Westerners going on and on about Zimbabwe may overshadow your celebrations this year, but, my friend, you should welcome it. Welcome--with all your heart and like the good neighbour you are--the fact that Zimbabwe dominates Western minds the way it does. I'll tell you why.

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Mugabe won. It doesn't matter how much these white countries huff and puff. He won. That's why they're huffing and puffing. And as for that bunch of spineless opponents in Zimbabwe mouthing their rubbish to any European they can lay their treacherous hands on, they would still be pissing in pots labelled "Blacks only" if it wasn't for President Mugabe.

Not only did he give his people a country to call theirs, but now he's given the people back their land. As you guys know in South Africa, having your country back and getting your land back are two very different things. It's hardly your country if you don't own the land, is it?

President Mugabe said the land must come back to the people and the land has come back to the people. Full stop. End of story. God how whites hate losing to blacks! It really kills them. Get over it. In fact the most demeaning thing that President Mugabe can do is to remain in that colonial Commonwealth club.

Oh my God! Do you know what's just happened? I only went to make myself some tea and I thought, let me switch on the news and find out what those jerks in Abuja have got up to as their finale to their "indefinite suspension" of Zimbabwe. And he's done it! He's done it. They're out. Mugabe has taken Zimbabwe out of the Commonwealth. FANTASTIC.

You see that man? He always manages to put a smile on my face. He can always make me laugh outright. And he can always wipe the smile off the faces, and out of the voices, of that legion of pompous, self-regarding British reporters, lemming-like in their cult of Mugabe-Hatred.

Zimbabwe is out. Isn't it brilliant? You know I went to bed the night before, praying, praying, please leave, you don't have to stay in their club. They can't lord it over people who aren't there to be lorded over. Leave them to talk to their white selves about the white things that concern their white countries. And the blacks-in-waiting can sit there in reverence and nod like those nodding toy dogs people used to hang up in their cars.

I don't know what President Obasanjo thought he was doing. Probably he wanted one of those nice, neat, tidy meetings so that everyone could pat Nigeria on the head and go home remembering how good Nigeria is at organising international events. (And forget about Miss World). But he compromised himself into an untenable position.

Well, we're all going to remember this Commonwealth meeting now as the one held in Nigeria where Zimbabwe pulled itself out. Very good. That suits me fine. But, my president (Obasanjo), somehow I don't think that's what you intended. Hee hee!

Those Nigerian leaders haven't got a clue. We didn't lose our land in Nigeria. We didn't have it stolen. Those leaders rolling in acres upon acres of prime farmland in Nigeria don't know what it must feel like. They don't know because it was their minds that the English stole, not their land.

Mugabe fought again, won again, and the Commonwealth has lost. The white members' overweening arrogance and insurmountable contempt for black self-determination has blown their anachronistic house down. They never learn, do they? They always end up destroying what they claim to value.

The Commonwealth has failed. Say farewell to a load of old cobblers. My hope is that the whole decrepit structure will fade away and die. It is nothing but a failed, undemocratic, talking shop riddled with racist attitudes and practices. Message from Zimbabwe: "Thank you, good-bye and good riddance to bad rubbish."

Let the other African leaders choose to remain members. The sun will set on them as it set on the empire that they are still helping to prop up. You can never be sure with a certain type of black person: a lot of them prefer whites to be in charge. Maybe these black men like having colonial throw-backs trampling all over major life and death concerns of African people just to get their piffling, pathetic, tiny white problems put centre stage. Perhaps the current African male leaders--the Southern Africans honourably exempted--don't mind being treated like boys. The way I see it when they have achieved something as fundamental for human rights as giving land to their people, then they may be worthy enough to sit around a table with President Mugabe.

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Mugabe's historic achievements on land reform will live on in the consciousness of Africans for millennia. We shall never forget. Africans in America did not get their "40 acres". Africans in Africa did. Mind you, it was theirs in the first place and it's obscene that they had to fight to get it back.

Africa. Maybe it was all too much. The heat, the sunglasses, the open-necked shirts, the whites wishing they were on safari instead of at some poncey meeting. I mean what's the point of being in Africa if you can't immediately take all your clothes off and lie back in that laid-backness. You don't go to Africa to do any work, do you?

And look, the Queen. Seeing Her Maj all dolled up in her yummy frocks, glittering and glistening, sets all those "leaders" a-bending and a-trembling. Maybe if they're really, really nice and do as they're told on Zimbabwe, maybe a few bauble-laden "empire" honours will come their way.

If African leaders were real men, like President Mugabe, they would all come out of that colonial empire club and focus their energy and minds on the African Union. The whites are looking after their own; we should look after ours. No African with self-respect and integrity can be a member of the Commonwealth.

Leave the sun to set on the whites sipping their gin and tonics and remembering the "good" old days. The longer Africans stay in that set-up, the longer we help them keep alive their cherished memories of when they had us fixed in our "place". When we "knew our place". Let the white Commonwealth stick their gin bottles where the sun doesn't shine.

These are people whose best is behind them. Memory is all they have left. The past, and flag-waving, is all they've got to look forward to. Do you think Tony Blair is a Trojan Horse for the European Union when he attends Commonwealth Heads of Government Meetings? Not for much longer, if that's the game he's been playing. Once the EU gets its new constitution sorted out, Tony Blair and Britain become irrelevant, standing alone. Sensible countries will want to deal with the EU as an entity, they won't have time for ooh-should-we-shouldn't-we malingerers like the Brits.

Do you think Tony Blair is a Trojan Horse for the Americans? Listen, my friend, if the Americans had any interest in the Commonwealth as an organisation, don't you think they'd have tried to muscle in by now? Weren't they British colonies once, too? But the Americans have too much self-respect to want to join anything that would have them tagged as "Previously Colonised". They know the importance of shedding labels that fix you in destructive modes. Just get rid of it. African countries can deal with the US bilaterally, regionally, or continentally. As the US is already doing around the world. That's what the African Union is for.

So what is Tony Blair's Commonwealth drinks-and-canapes club for? God knows. The world is forging new groupings, new organisations. Looking forward. Trying to figure out how to make the future work. Trying to, how can I put this? Modernise. But Britain and their coat-tail hangers-on--did somebody say Australians?--cling desperately to their past. When a future of equality beckons, these "empire" people run screaming for the comfort and safety of their past "glory". They can't hack it in today's world. They can't hack it if they can't be the only ones on top. Top of the "empire" world, with the black masses toiling for them below. No wonder they're frantic about preventing any other Southern African countries copying Zimbabwe and saying: "Bye-bye". No wonder the white Commonwealth wants Obasanjo to mend quickly what they've broken.

Anyway, enough of that. Start preparing for your anniversary celebrations in South Africa, but keep supporting your neighbour. Next time it could be you. Again. I'll write to you soon and I'll try not to mention Zimbabwe--unless I'm forced to.

PS: Nearly forgot: Could you send me a list of rich people in South Africa with Aids. Should only take you a minute to jot down their names. See ya."