Your guide to the weekend's FOOTBALL ON the TELLY.

TODAY

9AM: Soccer AM, Sky Sports 1. With ex-Chelsea keeper Dimitri Kharine, Gillingham's Tommy Johnson, Millwall's Tony Warner and band Starsailor. So the jokes had better be good.

12PM: Bolton Wanderers v Chelsea, Sky Sports 1. Recent Bolton performances have been so gruellingly horrendous it's rumoured Mel Gibson wants to make a film of them. Kick-off at 12.30pm.

12PM: Gillette Soccer Saturday, Sky Sports 1. On his internet diary this week, Rodney Marsh revealed he had once received a fan letter from Ronald Reagan. An early sign of Ron's dementia there then.

12.10PM: Football Focus, BBC 1. Ray Stubbs stops getting excited about Tranmere for five minutes to look at Arsenal victims-elect Blackburn and Leeds' bid to avoid relegation, administration and, in the case of Jody Morris, dehydration.

12.40PM: On The Ball, ITV 1. With Gabby, Robbie and Clivey Alleny.

5.30PM: Crewe Alexandra v West Bromwich Albion, Sky Sports 1. Must-win for the Baggies, who now have West Ham snapping at their heels. Kick-off at 5.35.

8.30PM: Real Madrid v Real Zaragoza, Sky Sports Xtra. Will the real Real send the unreal Real reeling?

10.30PM: The Premiership, ITV1. Des, Big Ron and Coisty with highlights of Blackburn v Arsenal and Tottenham v Newcastle.

SUNDAY

10.30AM: Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement, Sky Sports 1. Maybe it's the move from lunchtime to this new breakfast slot that's led to the disappearance of Jimmy's innuendo-filled "I'm just off to baste my meat" pre-advert links. In which case, can we suggest "I'm just nipping off for a couple of minutes to stir the porridge" and "I'll be back once I've pricked my neighbour's sausage".

11.30PM: Goals On Sunday, Sky Sports 1. A recent episode of this excellent highlights-and-chat show saw Carlton Palmer revealing that George Graham had tried to sign him for Arsenal. And to think the poor Gooners have had to put up with the likes of Patrick Vieira since then...

1.30PM: Manchester City v Manchester United, Sky Premiership Plus. The Mancunian branch of the Porto Supporters Club welcome their friendly cross-town rivals to the City Of Manchester Stadium for the first time. Kick-off at 2.00.

2PM: Inter Milan v Chievo, British Eurosport. Inter attempt to snap a four-game losing streak which has left them only two places above the gentlemen from Verona.

2.45PM: CIS Insurance Cup Final, Five. Hibernian v Livingston for the Scottish League Cup, which almost makes Middlesbrough v Bolton look like Arsenal v Brazil. John Barnes is your man staring into the autocue. Kick-off 3pm.

3PM: Southampton v Liverpool, Sky Sports 1. Gerard Houllier shows Paul Sturrock his lovely red scarf. Kick-off at 4.05.

7PM: Juventus v Milan, British Eurosport. The runaway leaders look to roll on against a Juve side in shock after their Champions League disaster. Kick-off at 7.30.

7.35PM: Celta Vigo v Valencia, Sky Sports 1. After the traumas of Highbury, Celta have a nice easy one against the team with the best away record in Spain.

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BUTTON IT: Allardyce shouts the odds again