YOUR CHANCE TO GIVE POLITICIANS A BAD NAME.

Byline: KIMIT MUSTON Local View

I have been called a lot of things in my life - Kimit, Kermit, Kamit and ``Hey, stupid'' - but until Michael Cohen of Reseda wrote to the editor in response to the political insult column I wrote back in March, I had never before been referred to as an ``addlepated amateur'' or a ``blithering blatherskite.''

Now, I know what both of those insults actually mean and I still want to thank Michael for his letter and his interest. (He also called me ``roly- poly,'' but I have chosen to overlook that little bit of linguistic terrorism.) Also in response to my column I received an e-mail from the very talented science-fiction writer Janet Kagan containing the word ``snollygoster'' - and she used it correctly - and that was another first for me.

I do try to respond to all my e-mails no matter what kind of bafflegab or framis they may contain. But the letters and e-mails I received concerning my insult column were of such a volume and of such a supercilious oeuvre as to demand something special. So I hereby announce the 2004 Political Insult Contest, run entirely by me. I'm calling it Kimit's Cuts.

Here are the rules: Pick a politician, living or dead, national or local - and have at 'em!

We're not looking for purely personal insults (such as roly-poly!), but rather shrewd and entertaining observations about politicians which also happen to be personally insulting.

Insulting politicians is an ancient and honorable art, primarily because politicians have given us so much justification. It's no accident that the words ``ballot'' and ``bullet'' share a common etymology. Just remember what Henry Kissinger said: ``Ninety percent of politicians give the other 10 percent a bad name.''

This is your chance to come up with that name.

Each entry should be no more than 60 words in length and may be accompanied by a translation if necessary. Just don't be afraid to stretch the language - the great thing about English is that when you stress it to express it, it gets stronger.

Points will be subtracted for vulgarity and obviousness - lord knows between Oprah and Howard Stern the FCC has enough to worry about without us jumping into the mix. But inventiveness and cleverness of application always count more than propriety. But please limit your vicious gutter attacks to the politicians themselves and avoid any collateral damage to innocent family members.

The creative use of slang is encouraged, including non-English slang, but obscure insults should have a source definition (as in a book or a dictionary not written and/or published by you) where I can find it. Should you choose to invent a word - such as calling Sen. John McCain a Republicrat - you should show its precedents, i.e. a combination of Republican and Democrat.

Here are a couple of examples of what I'm looking for:

--``His blandiose nibs, James Hahn, has come up a Quimby. His chief macher, Ted Stein banjaxed the airport's vigorish schmear, leaving Hahn tatterdemalion and his campaign shambollicked. A pettifogger may yet muppet a grand jury into a bosh frap over him, but Hahn's final alibi is that he's a simple bonditt ignoramus.''

--``President George Bush's justification for the Iraq war was a barmecidal feast and Sen. John Kerry seems to waffle between deadhead and barkinghead. Who would want a plutocracy of obtundity unless you're weary of a fabulist's foreign policy?''

But your words need not be obscure - sometimes saying it simply is the best cut of all.

Unfortunately I can't offer any prizes for this contest. You don't want to know how little the Daily News is paying me to write this stuff. But if you can translate either example (complete with final pun in example one), you'll get your name in the paper. First, second and third place will be published in this column. Fourth place through tenth will receive honorable mention.

The contest runs as long as I say it runs and all submissions become the property of me. I am the final judge and nothing but the final judge. There are no appeals and threats of bodily injury will result in immediate disqualification, particularly if you successfully carry them out. Gratuities, payola, boodle, swag, grease and bribes would be greatly appreciated, but your best chance of winning is just to make me laugh.

So wisacres of America, arise! Wordsmiths and sillabub dweebs drag out your solecisms, your argots, your idioms, patters, lingua franca and gobbledygook. Let's hear from the colloquial philologist, the vernacular etymologist, the polyglot lexicologist and the armchair anarchist.

Pencils up. Begin.

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