Working with difficult people: Bjorn Ole Austad talks to people who face a common source of stress at work--other people. (Living Issues).

Some pressures spur us on to do our best at work. Others cause stress that may drain our energy, take its toll on our health or even make us collapse. There is one kind of stress that was not invented by modern industrial and economic life--that caused by difficult relationships. Though it could be that ever greater efficiency demands better and better teamwork, making difficult relationships more painful to live with.

`People who receive encouragement at work experience less strain and stress than those who do not,' a human resources manager in a large Maltese firm tells me. `Sometimes people feel defeated because of lack of gratitude and understanding for what they do. I believe in care for employees and colleagues. I ask how people are out of sincere interest. Many come to work carrying a burden of problems from home. That causes stress and strain.'

Another source of stress is people's negative attitudes to things that ought to be different, the manager adds. `Too many people just complain. I ask them: What are you going to do about it?'

Difficult people can change their attitudes and behaviour. Sincerity and appreciation from a colleague or an honest apology about some trouble caused may trigger that change. But what happens when difficult people show no intention of changing?

A person, whom I shall call Jean, thoroughly enjoyed her work in a service profession. Her enthusiasm and warmth were appreciated, and her customers gave her much praise. Suddenly things began to change. The source of trouble was easy to detect. A new colleague began to make negative comments about her behind her back and run her down in front of her customers. She was clearly less knowledgeable and conscientious than Jean and this was her way of covering up her weaknesses.

Jean was deeply hurt. At times she got extremely angry or depressed and began to dread going to work. After praying and reflecting in silence about the situation, she decided to have an honest talk with her colleague. She arranged a time to meet and, to her amazement, was able to speak calmly. A number of misunderstandings were cleared up. Jean gained self-confidence and felt less personally offended by her colleague from then on. However, her colleague did not change. Eventually Jean decided that the best thing would be to change jobs within her profession. She did this and regained her enthusiasm for her work.

Another friend of mine, `Kevin', runs a family business with his two brothers. When relationships are healthy a family business may enjoy good teamwork and efficiency but difficult relationships may poison the workplace. Kevin told me that the three brothers were supposed to work as equals. But for years he was so troubled by his younger brother's interference in his department that his health and his family suffered. Time and again his brother would try to overrule his decisions and countermand the orders he had given to his staff. The brother would butter up Kevin's staff and humiliate him in front of them. Also, some of the staff would play one brother off against the other for their own advantage. `At times I would weep alone in my office,' Kevin told me.

One day Kevin blew his top. A member of his staff had appealed to his brother for a change of decision on a particular matter. Kevin phoned the person and said some unkind words. She, in turn, went to his brother and complained.

Afterwards in quiet by himself Kevin searched for the deeper reasons for the trouble. He phoned the member of staff to apologize. In the next meeting with his brothers he brought up what had happened. He said his reaction had been wrong, but went on to question his brother's attitude and asked him to see where he might be wrong.

Kevin then proposed new ways of running the company, and these were accepted. He is now more relaxed although the brother has not really changed his attitude. The key for Kevin was to face the conflict squarely and not suppress it.

The manager for human resources to whom I referred earlier, said: `When I am under stress and strain, I stop for a few minutes in silence. It is like when you climb up a mountain and stop to catch your breath and rest. You look at the view and how far you have already climbed. That makes you gain perspective. It makes it easier to continue the climb.'

The manager finds himself in a conflict of values and ideas with his own superior: `My boss sees people as tools of production. I see our business as a community of people. What happens to the people inside the community affects the service that we give to others outside. What happens to even one person within the business may affect the service that we provide.'

How does he cope with that conflict?

He says that he has to preserve his ability to work with his boss. People use different maps to interpret the reality around them. He has to recognize that the map of reality of his boss and his own map are different. `I believe in being a diplomatic person. A diplomatic person has a good eye for common ground in a conflict. A diplomatic person moves out of a conflict to see it from outside, to gain a different perspective. That is easy when you are on the outside of the conflict from the beginning. It is not so easy when you yourself are part of the conflict. When I find someone belligerent and his views completely opposed to mine, I do not reject them. I ask how and why he arrives at such conclusions. If someone says that one plus one makes three, I prefer to ask the person why he thinks so and how he arrived at such a conclusion. It may open a dialogue in which I can learn something about my opponent's map of reality.'

Time to reflect alone in quiet and talking with friends whom we trust may give us insight and wisdom to discern what kind of difficult relationship we are facing. We may be able to separate our own faults and responsibilities in the conflict from those of the other person. We may discover that the real

difficulty lies with us, or that the main trouble is with the other person.

It is important to begin with oneself. It is a temptation to blame someone else. Yet there are also those who are inclined to keep blaming themselves. They hardly dare to suggest that others may be extremely troublesome.

We are all different. Some people endure difficulties at work for too long and waste precious years and talents that way. For them it may be a liberating step to resign. Others quit at the first obstacle. For them it may be essential to keep at it and cope as best as they can. While we wrestle with these difficult questions, we may gain insight about a deeper calling in life, one that God offers independently of where we work. That calling may in turn clarify the immediate options.