Working with challenging groups of boys.

Dear Bob,

I have been a unit director at a boys resident camp in the North Woods for many summers. One thing that has challenged me and other staff members over the years is the camper group that just doesn't seem able to come together These are boys who constantly fight with one another, pick on younger or less popular boys, take each other's things, and argue about who is right. Having a bunk like this is a demoralizing experience for any staff person.

We have tried many approaches., group games, initiatives, bunk chats, even trips out of camp as an attempt to help the kids bond. Some of these things work for a while; some don't work at all. I was wondering what thoughts you had about how to work with a group like this. It seems we have at least one bunk every year that fits this category.

- Baffled in the Birches

Dear Baffled,

Over the past few years, I have witnessed an increase in the number of camps reporting children who seem less able to gel as a group. Many theories exist about the causes. Some observers think children today are too stimulated by TV and the media. Some experts feel that there are fewer caring adults present at significant times in the lives of children. Still others feel that our children reflect the premium value our culture places on individualism, where true community is neither practiced nor held in high regard. Whatever the causes, the question becomes, what can you do about it?

Issues That Influence Boys

Let me review what I think are some of the core issues for boys that may form an undercurrent in the groups you describe. I will address this same issue for girls attending camp in a later column.

The male-cultural myth

Boys often find their need for nurturing to be at odds with the cultural male mandate to be tough, grown up, and on their own. Being on your own is, in fact, one motive many parents have for sending their sons away to camp. Popular culture refers to this as being independent, but in practice, too much independence often encourages counter-dependence, where a child renounces or forgoes his or her natural need to lean on others from time to time. In the male-cultural myth, dependency is often equated with being vulnerable, which itself is confused with being weak.

Today, many camps provide a wonderful set of expanded options for boys. These camps encourage appropriate affection and model a wide range of nurturing and balanced behaviors. The problem is that boys come to camp from the greater culture where what is considered masculine is more narrowly defined. In this culture, boys are encouraged to deny their feelings of vulnerability, such as tenderness, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness, and grief, which are often equated with being weak or less masculine. Suppressing these feelings, boys feel they have only one acceptable "male" feeling they can openly express - one they perceive actually enhances their masculinity - and that is anger. If you watch boys react against other boys who are considered weak or immature, what you will see is boys angrily doling out the very punishment they themselves dread, namely, shame.

Conflicting emotions

Boys who are sensitive are often teased by tougher or more self-confident boys. Likewise, boys who are somewhat more dependent and immature act as an unkind reminder to the more counter-dependent boys of their own inner yearnings and dependency, feelings they are trying to suppress. When a boy who is working hard to control his dependency needs encounters a boy who flaunts whining or clinging behavior, the other boy's conduct becomes an extreme enactment of the very emotions he is trying to dampen in himself. Destroy in others what you cannot tolerate in yourself is an adage that might describe the attitude of the first boy to the second. Anyone who has worked with boys in groups is familiar with this behavior. This conflict, both among the boys and within each boy of the group, is at the heart of the problem in bunks where boys are fighting, engaging in extreme behavior, or not cooperating.

Some boys in the group are struggling to be true to themselves and are conflicted about how much they have to give up to fit the perceived masculine model. Some boys are entrenched in a tough, aggressive, intolerant position that they think reflects true masculinity, and still others cling to an immature and over-dependent position. This is what sparks the fighting and intolerance in the group and is the central issue that must be addressed in any intervention measures your staff takes.

Dealing With Group Conflict

All the boys need is help and guidance from your camp staff, but sometimes this is not an easy solution. Your staff may need to take a revolutionary new approach, like the following step-by-step method:

STEP 1

Gather a group from the camp community-at-large that crosses all generations, a group of people who are held in high positive regard by most campers and staff. This group might include a popular counselor of many years from another bunk; it might include a maintenance person, known and loved by all; the athletic director; the drama coach; and maybe even the director. The wider the span in ages and the greater the concentration of beloved individuals, the better. There should be at least six members of this team.

STEP 2

Confer with the counselors assigned to the group that is struggling. It is important to convey that this intervention is not designed to bypass or usurp their authority, but to enhance it. All adults on the team must understand that this maneuver is a non-shaming, non-accusatory way to acknowledge the struggle the boys are having getting along and to support them in finding a better resolution.

STEP 3

The encounter should happen in the boys' bunk. Evening is an optimum time for this intervention as children are generally more reflective. However, any time will work as long as all the boys in the bunk are present, there are no interruptions, and the boys are not overtired. The boys sit in a circle with their counselors and members of the team. Begin with clarification of what brings your team of camp leaders to that particular bunk, telling the boys that everyone knows this group is struggling to get along, that the team is not here to find fault or blame, and that the upset in the bunk is probably stressful for everyone. In other words, relay the idea: "We are not here because you are 'bad' or in trouble but because we know you are having a hard time. We are here to support you." It is important that each member of the team participates and demonstrates a personal interest in helping the boys.

STEP 4

Emphasize the issue of getting along in terms of what it means to be strong ("Part of living together means deciding what kind of a boy you are." With teens say, "What kind of a man do you want to be.") You may also want to stress these points:

* Strong boys are able to live with people who are different from them.

* Picking on a kid who is not as strong as you is not being a man, it's being mean.

* Some of you may have to be stronger.

* Each of you is strong in your own way. Being smart means figuring out how to use your strength in ways that allow you to have fun and allow others to do the same.

* Some of you may have to help out more.

* Being a man does not mean being right; sometimes it means not letting stupid stuff bug you so much that you stop having fun at camp and end up fighting all the time.

STEP 5

Make it clear that you do not expect perfection, but that you know the boys can find better ways to work out their differences. Tell them that having disagreements is normal, but they need to figure out how to fight in a better way. Tell them you are there for them, that you know they can do this, and that you will not give up on them. Tell them you want to be proud of them and that you will see them around camp and ask how it is going. It is then up to the bunk counselors to continue the work. At this point, other activities may help channel the energy of these boys or bring them together. The team should check in with counselors and follow up with them from time to time.

Keep in mind that boys are "men in training," and they take their cues from the behavior of significant adults in their world. Providing strong role models can positively influence the behavior of boys, and camp is the ideal place to have this impact on children.

Bob Ditter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in child and adolescent treatment. Camp directors are invited to write to: Bob Ditter, "In the Trenches," 72 Montgomery Street, Boston, MA 02116 or fax [phone]. Letters should be signed, although requests for confidentiality will be honored. "In the Trenches" is sponsored by American Income Life Insurance.