Working the room: how to make the best possible connections at meetings, conventions and trade shows.

For those of us who must aggressively market our products or our personalities, whether we're shoe salesmen or scientists, there are few things more important than knowing how to work a room in pursuit of new business and social contacts. In the 1980s, we called it "networking," but in the 90's, with the economy in chaos, technology taking over our communication tasks, and most of us starving for meaningful human contact, it's become a survival art.

In the business world, knowing how to make and keep new contacts is a prerequisite to a successful life. But it's a specialized skill which doesn't come naturally to most people. Networking, and in fact, communicating in general, has to be learned and cultivated, and learning how to do it effectively requires us to re-think the way we were taught to behave. As human beings, we're driven to seek out one another, to form partnerships, groups and communities. It's one of the most primal urges we have, yet the act of simply saying hello to a stranger at a party can send many of us into a paralyzing state of anxiety.

Most of us - while perfectly capable in other areas of our lives - have fears about walking into a room alone and meeting strangers. These fears have their roots in childhood, when we were taught the ways in which "nice boys and girls" should behave. Many of us grew up with strict, non-negotiable golden rules that dictated the way we should act, such as not bragging about our accomplishments, keeping our opinions to ourselves, and not asking directly for what we want. We were taught to be invisible...to blend in rather that stand out.

No matter how much you read about how to start a conversation at with a stranger in a business setting, none of it will help if you don't first break free of that conditioning. It can be a long process, which is why learning to shmooze requires setting a long-range strategy for yourself. Start by thinking about replacing some of the old rules with new ones:

Power Shmoozing is about making your world bigger by bringing more people into it, who will, in turn, bring you opportunities, ideas, and new, unimagined possibilities. But to get there, you have to really reveal yourself. To take more risks. To communicate aggressively.

When working a room, whether at a cocktail party or a convention, you have an average of 5 minutes to speak to each new person you meet. During that five minutes, you need to get - and give - a lot of information in order to determine if there's any potential for a business relationship. So use your five minutes wisely by telling your whole story.

When someone asks, "what do you do?" instead of replying, "I'm in marketing," say instead, "I'm a marketing consultant, and most of my clients are in the cosmetics industry." But then take it one step further by adding, "I just moved here from Arizona, I'm a single mother, and I'm scouting around for new business leads and some new friends."

See how that stimulates interest in the other person? Why? Because you told your whole story. And that gives other people permission tell theirs, which makes you a very attractive conversation partner. You offered an interesting and varied list of topics to choose from. And that's what makes the best conversations happen.

Old Rules:                       ...New Rules:

Don't talk to strangers          Talk to everyone, everywhere, all
                                 the time.

Don't eavesdrop                  Listen in on other people's
                                 conversations

Don't interrupt                  Break in on other people's
                                 conversations

Don't brag                       Tell your story. Let them know who
                                 you are!

Keep your opinions to yourself   Inspire a stimulating exchange by
                                 offering a new slant.

Always think of others first     Take care of yourself, because no
                                 one else will.

Don't tell family secrets        Tell the complete truth

Don't be different               Be exactly who you are

Life isn't fun                   Life is neutral. You have to fill
                                 in the blanks

Volunteer information about yourself rather than waiting to be asked. And, do brag about your accomplishments. Tell people about the award you just won or the project you've just completed. And don't forget to tell the truth. If you're unemployed and you're attending a trade show because you're looking for job leads, then let everyone know. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, and in fact, your honesty will disarm people and inspire them to be more honest with you. By telling the truth and telling your whole story, you'll be setting the stage for more productive conversations.

Here are a few conversational strategies that work like a charm at trade shows, meetings and conventions:

Go to As Many Events as You Can: Consult the daily schedule to find social events such as breakfast meetings, lectures, cocktail parties, etc. Be willing to pay extra for these if you have to. It's worth it for a chance to really connect with people who might otherwise remain strangers.

Carry your propaganda with you: If you don't have a booth to serve as a showplace for your product or service, become a "moving booth" by carrying materials with you wherever you go. Print handouts, manufacture buttons or carry a portfolio or product samples to meeting rooms, parties, restaurants and bars... even the bathroom! At a good central watering hole, you can work the trade show without ever letting your feet get tired (and speaking of feet... ladies, do not wear high heels to a trade show under any circumstances! If your employer insists on it, then find another job).

Shmooze with the Media: Members of the press usually wear a different color badge or some kind of I.D. Find out what they look like, and where they hang out. Ask if there's a Press Room, and spend time there. Make friends with these people. These relationships can lead to stories about you and your business in trade publications, newspapers and other media.

Escape Unproductive Conversations: Don't "caretake" everyone who talks to you. If someone boring or offensive has latched onto you, escape is simply a matter of telling the truth. Try this: "It's been great talking to you. Good luck on your job search. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. Call that support group I told you about. It really helped me. I'm going to move on and work the room a little bit now. I'll catch you later."

Follow Up Ruthlessly: Follow up is everything. Don't just collect business cards so they cangather dust in your files. Take them home and enter the information in your database. Then, embark on a serious follow up effort. Here are some recommended follow up activities, which are most effective when done in sequence over several months:

* Send a letter telling the person how much you enjoyed meeting him. You might want to include some of your promotional materials if haven't already presented them.

* Send a copy of your newsletter.

* Invite him to a party or event you're planning.

* Invite him to an event hosted by the non-profit group for which you volunteer.

* Send him a newspaper article about a topic which interests him.

Out there in the world, whether it's an international conference or an aerobics class, everybody is fair game for a conversation and a potential relationship. Contrary to what we learned growing up, we are allowed to seek out support and a positive response from people. We can talk to anyone we choose, we can say whatever we want to say, we can tell people about the accomplishments we're proud of, and most importantly, we can ask for what we want.

Terri Mandell is an author and lecturer who conducts seminars on "Power Shmoozing" around the U.S. She's the author of two book, "Power Shmoozing: The New Etiquette for Social and Business Success."