Will the real out celebrities please stand up?

With Mary Cheney, Liz Smith, and others raising the issue, the past year Introduced us to a world where it isn't obvious who is truly out

Not long ago, it seemed, gay people were either in the closet or they weren't. No more. As the past year has shown, just because some people haven't spoken about their orientation doesn't mean that they don't think of themselves as out. And, equally important, just because some people don't talk about their sexual orientation doesn't mean that other people in the mainstream media won't do it for them. It seems the closet door has become more translucent than opaque.

"The rules are changing because of a whole new cultural climate created by the media," says Maer Roshan, an openly gay deputy editor at New York magazine. For years, he says, journalists felt compelled to protect gay celebrities. "But as with everything else, their sexuality is now on the table, and it's OK to talk about it." The agility to "dance in and out of the closet" is nothing new, says Roshan, citing Rock Hudson. "Everyone knew; he was the talk of Hollywood. But no one wrote about it. That was the difference."

Michael Musto, the Village Voice columnist and gay guru of gossip, agrees that journalists "never went to that subject. Now they do." Things started changing about three years ago, he says, because "gossip became more of a mania than ever--and the being gay is more visible now, thanks to shows like Will & Grace."

Indeed, the change may say more about the media than about any difference in the ease of coming out. Joan Garry, executive director of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, notes that the proliferation of media outlets demanding a steady feeding of celebrity gossip has increased questions about the closet. "Ten years ago we didn't have a scajillion cable news networks," she says. "Now we have a media landscape that is infinitely hungrier for information than ever before."

The range of behavior seen in the past year has been astonishing. For some people, "everybody knows" became hard fact. Dick Cheney's daughter Mary was wifely known to be out because of her works as a liaison to gays and lesbians for Coors Brewing Co., but she never said a word to the press about it. Rep. Jim Kolbe, who came out in 1996, spoke during prime time at the Republican national convention in August. Even though Kolbe said nothing about being a gay in his speech, some members of the Texas delegation said silent prayers during his address, while the Log Cabin Republicans held him up as a symbol of increased tolerance in the party.

Other celebrities prefer to respond playfully to questions about their private lives without answering questions directly. Rosie O'Donnell has joked about being "Lebanes" with Ellen DeGeneres and did a riff on "beards" with Nathan Lane at last June's Tony awards but won't discuss her sexuality. Even the gossip mavens themselves aren't immune to being caught in the ever-spreading web. Matt Drudge was outed in a book by MSNBC correspondent Jeannette Walls, but he still skirts the question of his sexuality, Meanwhile, Sinead O'Connor insisted in an interview that she's a lesbian, but she also says she doesn't have sex with women.

Some people clearly don't want to be labeled because they see the label as limiting. "I just don't want to call myself anything," gossip columnist Liz Smith said in her interview with The Advocate. Others are, in their own way, out without having said so and in ways many people haven't really recognized. Some celebrities take their partners to openings, for example. Others reveal it matter-of-factly in forums that don't carry the same weight (and attention) as a coming-out interview. The November issue of Architectural Digest featured a spread on the house of singer Michael Feinstein, mentioning that he shares the house with his partner. (When asked if he considered himself gay in a 1994 interview with The Advocate, Feinstein said, "I consider myself a human being who is capable of loving any other human being.")

Indeed, for many people, the problem with coming out is that it is too political. Even DeGeneres, who said when she came out in 1997 that she did not want to be an activist, has since been a champion of gay and lesbian causes. But as Candace Gingrich, manager of the National Coming Out Project, puts it: "Queer people have no right saying they're not political. If you wake up in bed in the morning and the person next to you is the same sex, you're political. And you're gay too."

Then there are people like Smith, who have publicly acknowledged their same-sex attractions as if they have long been public knowledge. In her recent book, Smith tells of relationships with men and women. "Liz Smith acts as if she were out her whole life," Musto complains. "No, Liz, you weren't. You can't just rewrite history."

So why do people still veil their sexuality in these more tolerant times? Cindy Kasovitz-Sichel, a New York psychoanalyst who has treated closeted patients, believes there is "no difference between staying in completely and staying in part-time. It's like people who say they're sober and then take a drink, even in public." And, she says, gay people who insist "It's none of your business; I'm not telling" have lots of discomfort and very low self-esteem.

"When was the last time a straight person told you `It's none of your business' or `That's important'?" Sichel asks. "Why would they have to hide it? We all have ideals of what we prefer to be. And to the degree we don't live up to that, we come into conflict in our lives and make up secrets to protect our own self-esteem from what we feel we really are. There's lots of denial here."

But coming out halfway may be better than nothing. Nathan Lane, who came out in a 1999 Advocate interview, used to say, "I'm single, I'm 40, and I love musical theater--you do the math." It was the murder of Matthew Shepard that made Lane and E! television host Steve Kmetko come out. "It was like somebody slapped me awake," Lane said. "At this point it's selfish not to do whatever you can."

For those people still playing peek-a-boo with the closet, "I guess it's better, because it's a tip-off to the real deal," says Musto. "But they are speaking in code; it's a form of denial, wishy-washy. And you feel like you're being toyed with. I don't like being toyed with, don't like people trying to play it both ways."

Gingrich also sees ambivalent admissions about sexuality as a first step--but only a first step. "Those who are half in and half out are just a threshold away front being out completely," she says. "But it's not as affirming, or as helpful, as being out entirely. What does being `halfway out' mean? Does it mean only half of their body has internalized homophobia?"

Find more information about famous out gays and lesbians at www.advocate.com

Kirby is a regular contributor to The New York Times.