Why skier Glyn will return to simpler slopes next time.
Byline: john bright
A Brummie take on the rough guide to skiing... Businessman Glyn Pitchford's experiences in Davos in Switzerland.
Where it snowed virtually all week and hence forced our diminutive friend to risk skiing in a fog-ridden white-out.
"Never mind global warming global warming, the gradual increase of the temperature of the earth's lower atmosphere as a result of the increase in greenhouse gases since the Industrial Revolution. - they've never heard of it in Davos," he moans.
So, anyway, our hero risks going off piste piste
A ski trail densely packed with snow.
[French, from Italian pista, from obsolete pistare, to trample down, variant of pestare; see piston. in zero visibility - not the brightest thing to do - but does take the precaution of having some pals along from the Ski Club of Great Britain The Ski Club of Great Britain is the UK's leading snowsports club, founded on May 6, 1903. The club has volunteer representatives in most major ski resorts. Notable Presidents
"In those conditions it is very difficult to see the bumps and hard to work out the steepness - it is very disorientating," reflects Glyn.
So the inevitable happened.
He goes straight over a ridge, completely loses his balance faced with a 10ft drop, and plunges head first into the vastness of the powder snow.
Straight out of a cartoon, just the tips of his little legs sticking out Adj. 1. sticking out - extending out above or beyond a surface or boundary; "the jutting limb of a tree"; "massive projected buttresses"; "his protruding ribs"; "a pile of boards sticking over the end of his truck" .
"They had to dig me clear," he shudders.
"It's back to the more simple runs next time."
And, of course, Pitchford being Pitchford he also manages to get a few digs in at our glorious European partners - two complete strangers from Maastricht, one Dutch and one Belgian, MEPs whom he met in the local stuble bar.
Maastricht - wasn't that where the infamous Treaty was signed in 1992 which created both the European Union and the euro?
"That's why we are in this recession," chides Pitchford. "It's all your fault."
And then he puts the two baffled Europeans to "the test" - what is written in French on the back of a bottle of HP Sauce, for so long produced in Birmingham but now being made in Elst in the Netherlands?
Not a clue (actually it apparently says something about the sauce being a mixture of oriental fruits, spices and malt vinegar - well, don't ask me, I've always hated the stuff).
"Call yourself Europeans, you lot have stolen our sauce and you don't know what is on the back of the bottle?"
But, it seems they parted as friends even if it has further strengthened Pitchford's belief that the EU is kaput ka·put also ka·putt
Incapacitated or destroyed.
[German kaputt, from French capot, not having won a single trick at piquet, possibly from Provençal. .
I hear the wags have come up with a line on the pub with no name - the Wetherspoons in Paradise Forum in Birmingham.
It's been dubbed the Dog and Blanket ... because of all the nearby Big Issue salesmen!