Why me, Lord?

The Buddha Gautama summed up the experience of human existence in seven words: "Men are born, they suffer, they die." This isn't exactly the "Hallelujah, Christ is born; Hallelujah Christ is risen" joyful perspective we Christians are encouraged to live within. Yet the words of the Buddha bespeak a human-enough point of view that might be an interpretation of the Book of Job.

Like many Christians, my reading of the Bible has tended primarily toward the New Testament. There are passages from the Old Testament that are common and familiar, particularly from the Books of Genesis, Exodus, Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes. I also remember the general stories. Adam and Eve, the Ten Commandments, Noah's ark, the exile of the Jews, David and Goliath. I get the general ideas, but for me, it IS in bits and pieces, like watching the sea: I am more apt to notice and think about the surface breaking of the waves than the immense depth of the waters below.

I read the Book of Job many years ago but didn't remember much about it. My recollection short-circuted to the popluar phrase, "the patience of Job," and that he was a man who lost everything but retained his faith in the Lord.

I picked up the Book of Job again about six months ago during a trial of spiritual exhaustion. A multitude of events had eroded my confidence and self-worth, and I was left hurt, angry, depressed, despairing, and wounded. I had been betrayed. Feelings like these are all too familiar for those who trust and are open to the fullness of life. I was vulnerable and my trust had been taken advantage of. Gratefully I remain vulnerable.

It amazes me that throughout my ordeal, I never lost my faith. I consider this a gift. Indeed, it was often faith alone that got me through the really hard times. And sometimes, when my faith seemed nearly exhausted, it was simple religious dogma that prevented me from acting on my worst ideas.

There are certain matters of dogma, the teachings upon which faith is based, that are ingrained deep within our psyches. We take them for granted and don't give them much thought. Like the foundation of a house, the foundations of our beliefs are most visible when the shell is removed. In my case, the belief in hell, the devil, life after death, and the Commandment not to kill - either myself or someone else - were among these simple, early learned, and deep-rooted convictions. They remained as part of my personal foundation after the shell of my ego, and much that I had thought precious, had been taken away.

Biblical scholars generally date the writing of the Book of Job to about the sixth century B.C., although it may be considerably older. The main character is a man caned "Job," but scholars also dispute the accuracy of this name. Likewise, the location - usually thought to be Babylon - has also been challenged. In the big picture, such details matter little -sacred writings from other parts the world and other religious traditions recount similar stories. But the story of Job raises and possibly answers some of the universal questions about divine justice, faith, and our relation to God.

Job is rich beyond measure. He has thousands of head of livestock, seven sons, and three daughters. He lives a life of piety and devotion. And God, proud of Job, tells Satan about his blameless and upright servant. Satan responds to the Lord saying Job is so devoted because of all the Lord has given him. Satan asks God to take away Job's blessings and says his faith will disappear.

God agrees to the scheme, and Satan, measure by measure, takes away Job's possessions and his children and inflicts him with physical suffering. The once-rich job is reduced to homelessness. He is covered with sores and sleeps in the dirt wearing rags. Job's wife urges him to curse God for his troubles, but Job refuses.

Job's condition is so pitiful that when friends find him, they remain silent for a week. When they finally speak, they tell Job to praise the Lord and repent his sins.

Job steadfastly maintains he has done no wrong while his friends continue to urge his repentance. Job expresses increasing bitterness and wishes for death. He stops short, however, of cursing God for his condition. Job only wants to know why he has been made to suffer for no apparent reason.

To Job's surprise, the Lord responds to him in a storm. God declares his own greatness and asks Job questions concerning the powers of nature and the origins of the universe; questions Job cannot answer. Job is humbled by the questions, coming as they do directly from the Almighty, and retreats, acknowledging the unfathomable greatness of God. Eventually the Lord restores Job to even greater abundance.

The divine justice we find in this book is perplexing, disconcerting, and has been questioned by rabbis, priests, and theologians for more than 25 centuries. But reading the Book of Job did something for me, it validated my anger.

For several years I was extremely depressed and on the verge of suicide. Like Job, I found myself wondering what I had done to be in such a state, and I found myself asking the same question: "Why, God?"

There were certain people with whom I was very angry, but rather than accept my anger, I internalized it and felt guilty. Friends told me to pray for those whose actions had contributed to my depressed state, but I couldn't pray for those who had betrayed me. When I read Job, I realized it was okay to be angry. Because I saw how angry job was at his circumstances, I was better able to accept my own anger. I needed to be angry. By accepting my anger, I was able to process, not oppress it.

I also realized that, in comparison, my situation was not that bad. I still had my family, my health, and a few other things. My body was not covered with sores, my children were not dead, and I was not sleeping in dirt. Job helped me to put my own problems into perspective.

These were the simple things I learned. As for the bigger questions, I have some ideas.

The first question people usually ask upon reading Job is "Why?" Why would God allow job to suffer to prove a point to Satan? The answer, as God makes clear to Job, is that we simply don't know and never will. To Job's intense questioning, God basically says, "My reasons are none of your business." The ways of the Lord remain a mystery.

We can speculate on the benefits of hardship. My suffering helped to nurture my humility. It reduced my vanity and covetousness and undercut my bloated ego. The hardships that are an inevitable part of life allow each of us opportunities to grow in charity, compassion, and forgiveness.

The Book of Job teaches us that God demands our praise and faith. In response to Job's pained pleading, the Lord responds not with compassion but anger. Imagine a child interrupting a group of adults engaged in a serious discussion. The adults respond to the child by saying, "Don't interrupt us." God said to Job:

Who is this that obscures divine plans with

words of ignorance? Gird up your loins now

like a man; I will question you, and you will

tell me the answers (Job 38:2-3)!

We see here the angry God of the Old Testament. This God demands our respect, our subservience, and our praise. Job cowers before this figure. As Christians, we emphasize the forgiving God as manifested by Jesus. Yet Jesus reminds us to pay tribute to God each time we pray the Lord's Prayer. It is not fashionable in our culture of equality to think of an angry God, but it is one of the essential lessons of Job and Jesus Christ.

Finally, there is the matter of faith, one of the key lessons of Job's story. Despite his suffering, Job never lost his faith. He was angry, depressed, and felt abandoned, yet he never stopped believing in God's mercy. Job desperate wanted to know why he was made to suffer; he wanted to assert his innocence. Job believed in divine justice and was trying to understand his predicament. God responded angrily, but in the end the Lord restored Job's health and prosperity. In our own trials we should never lose our faith. God has a plan for all of humanity and for each of us. It involves suffering as well as joy. That's life. If life were merely positive, or if everybody believed with absolute certainty that pious, righteous living would lead to just rewards, then the world would be a much different place. As it is, we are tested by life. Good fortune may cause us to celebrate and praise God, but hard times nurture and test our faith.

Recognizing the greatness of God, accepting life on life's terms, and never abandoning our faith are essential lessons of Job. I know God has a plan for me, but what's in store, I haven't got a clue. Like job, I can only pray for divine mercy and hope for understanding.

Paul Obis, a magazine consultant who lives in Oak Park, Illinois with his wife Clare and their six sons.