Why gay vacations exist. (my perspective).

When Cole Porter met Noel Coward on Capri, the boys they in tow went mad at the sight of one another, and the first gay vacation was born. Where their seeds were sown a shrine arose. Gore Vidal lives nearby even now. As a gay entertainer I think it's safe to say that I've seen a broader selection of gay weekend getaways and formal vacations than even most travel agents--more than even my own personal taste would warrant since I attend functions as paid talent whether I'm interested in them or not. On my 2002 calendar so far is Mr. San Francisco Leather, Key West, a Caribbean cruise, and the Texas Bear Roundup in Dallas. This last one looks like the most fun to me: The more I like to eat, the more I like the bear events.

The number 1 thing I notice at all these events is that people don't have fun because of the location or because of who is putting on the event. They have fun because of who they spend theft time with. In truth, most people could enjoy themselves just as much if they got together the same batch of friends in the basement and cranked up the Close-`n'-Play record player--er, CD player.

I wish I would get invited to things like that. Instead, off I go to run around in front of 2,000 gay men in a bathing suit in January, immediately following the Christmas fudge season. I'm like Maggie Smith in Gosford Park--"Why do we have to do these things?"--as I compensate for my awkwardness and just make things worse by porking out on the buffets. Yummy, yummy, yummy!

In truth, being gay men and lesbians doesn't make us want to do anything particularly different from any other savvy, seasoned traveler. But as Gay Travelers, we are willing to pay a tour operator to ensure two simple requirements: If you're single, you want access to other single gay people after the sightseeing is done. And if you're coupled, you want to hold hands and look starry-eyed whenever you choose. That's it--that's why the gay travel industry exists.

My dream vacation is New Orleans. I want the Anne Rice-Tennessee Williams package. I want to stay in the Hotel Pontchartrain, where the vampire Lestat orders room service. I want to spend a day looking for the streetcar named Desire and Sebastian Venable's garden, and I want to stare at Anne Rice's house and hope she'll come out for a chat because I look so riveting standing there at the gate. I want my mother to meet me there for a couple of days, because I know from the time I took her on a cruise to Tahiti (courtesy of Atlantis Events) that the feeling of being able to give something like that to your mom is unbeatable.

Then, after I send Mom home, I want to get on one of those hydroplane boats like they used to have on Gentle Ben and share gumbo with a bayou family. Late at night, when the crickets chirp and the swamp snakes sleep, that Cajun brother will notice that I noticed him over the gumbo, and my perfect vacation will be complete.

See, I don't need 2,000 men on my vacation. I just need one.

I can only think that if that's my dream getaway, other people might be starting to think the same way.

I mean, gay vacations do fulfill those basic needs for romantic freedom, but you are never going to fully experience some countries as a Gay American Traveler. People in European countries don't need gay vacations--they're a bullet train away from London, Amsterdam, Paris, Berlin, and Greece. It's no wonder the European gays--happy in their cafes with all their friends at once, gay and straight together--find the concept of gay vacations ridiculous.

I want to be like them. I want to blend in. I want to hang out with the locals. I don't want to see the same people I see at home. Where is that gay tour operator who's going to start booking tiny "blend in" tours? Where is the "skip the holidays" package--the one where I can slip down to Mexico with a small group of savvy people and dodge the entire Christmas season?

I know from experience that the most popular, package is the one that no one has been on before.

That's all I want. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Davis is a Los Angeles-based comedian and writer.