Who's sorry now: most Catholics take Jesus' teaching to forgive "70 times seven" very seriously. Forgiving one's enemies is difficult, but a majority of U.S. Catholic readers still say the virtue of forgiveness is essential, not only in their personal lives but also in public policy. (reader survey).

IF TO ERR IS HUMAN and to forgive divine, Martha Lee is inching toward godliness. When American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into the World Trade Center, Lee's niece, Heather, was on that plane. When Lee finally emerged from her initial state of shock, she became good and angry.

"All of my anger was focused on Mohammed Atta. His face was everywhere," says Lee (not her real name). "He was the leader of this event. Moreover, he personally piloted Heather's plane into death."

Last September, as the anniversary of that horrible day loomed, Lee realized her anger was beginning to consume her. "I was fixated on Atta," she admits. But slowly something in her shifted. "I found myself not screaming at him in anger, but talking to his spirit in a different way. I was saying, `Since you have done all this damage and caused so much pain, you know there is much healing to do. You must help others.'"

That Lee found herself talking to a dead terrorist may seem strange. But even more amazing was that she was no longer saying "Damn you!" but rather calling him to love. Lee's spiritual adviser confirmed what she had already suspected: She was beginning to forgive.

Forgiveness can be a long, often painful process, but it is the first step toward healing. More than that, it is an obligation of our Christian faith. Although an overwhelming majority of U.S. CATHOLIC readers believe they must forgive as Jesus did, many admit they struggle with extending and receiving forgiveness-with others and within themselves.

The more than 200 respondents to our reader survey told story after story of horrific abuse, soul-destroying betrayal, and gut-wrenching hurt that needed to be healed by forgiveness. Most, if not all, say they draw on the Catholic faith tradition, particularly the life of Jesus, as a source of inspiration in the difficult business of saying "I'm sorry" and accepting other's apologies.

Many made the observation that forgiveness does more for their own souls than it does for their transgressors. "My personal experience has taught me that by being unforgiving, I'm only harming myself and making my life miserable, not the other person," says Tom Heskin of Berwyn, Illinois.

As Father Robert R. Coyne of Pitts burgh says, "Forgiveness is hard; the only thing harder is holding onto our grudges."

With forgiveness comes freedom. "Resentments are like spitting into the wind," says Marsha Foutch of Rock Island, Illinois. The hardest thing she ever had to forgive was when a man raped her while her young daughter was in the next room. "Not forgiving only hurts and haunts me. Jesus knew this. He is a master of human psychology."

Carrying grudges taints a person's outlook and their personality, observes Barbara Morandi of Laramie, Wyoming.

"It must hurt their relationship with God, too," she says.

But God can help out when forgiveness doesn't come easily. "The virtue of forgiveness comes wringingly, sweatingly to this Irish, hold-a-grudge-till-one-of-you-dies person, but I still work at it," says Susan Jones of Maryville, Tennessee. "Sometimes, though, I just pray for God to know I want to forgive, but She'll have to help me."

Forgiving the unforgivable

While it's one thing to talk about forgiveness in theory, it's quite another to put it into practice--especially in a world where the headlines bring news of one atrocity after another. When asked if they consider any offense unforgivable, many readers replied no, including one who wrote N-O in huge block letters.

But others more sheepishly admit that it would be hard to practice such generosity if something horrendous happened to them or their children.

"While I don't consider any offense unforgivable, I also can't admit that I'd be Christ like enough to forgive atrocious offenses," says Paul Armstrong of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania.

Sexual abuse of children was commonly mentioned as beyond human forgiveness. "Anyone who hurts a child in such a disgusting, evil way makes it difficult for me to consider true forgiveness," says a Connecticut reader.

Other unforgivable offenses cited include murder, abortion, genocide, and any violence against the defenseless, especially children. Several respondents mentioned final impenitence and the biblical reference to sins against the Holy Spirit as unforgivable.

"Ultimately no offense should be unforgivable, but many offenses are impossible to forget--genocide, terrorism, rape, lies that destroy a person's life," says Thomas M. Costello of Herndon, Virginia. "Therein lies the challenge of forgiveness: to live with the horrors of the memories, still we must forgive."

Many readers differentiate between forgiving and forgetting. "We need to separate the act of forgiveness from the emotional effects of the offense," says Margaret Hickey of Onalaska, Wisconsin. "Forgiveness is not denying or pushing aside our pain."

Forgiveness also does not exclude the possibility of punishment or restitution, many respondents believe. Although some disagree, many readers require repentance on the part of offenders and a commitment from them to change their behavior.

"Forgiveness often requires remorse on the part of the person or persons who have caused the pain," says Karen LaManna of Libertyville, Illinois. "As a nation, can we forgive those who attack or hate us? On a spiritual level, the answer is yes; but on the political or social level, the answer is no, unless they seek our forgiveness."

Yet others believe that Christians, like God, must not find any offense unforgivable. "Inexcusable perhaps, but not unforgivable," says July Girard of Colorado Springs. "The recent acts of terrorism probably are in that category. It is extremely difficult, but if I believe we are all God's children and loved by God, I have no choice but to continue to try to forgive and extend love."

Try explaining that to children who live not far from Ground Zero. Joanne Dacek of Rockville Center, New York has had a tough time trying to teach her 3rd-, 5th-, and 7th-grade religious education students that God would forgive even Osama bin Laden. "I believe God can forgive anything, even if we ourselves can't."

Yes, but ...

Indeed, it is in the public policy arena where readers find the most difficulty extending the commandment to forgive as God forgives. Although 94 percent say they believe forgiveness should play a role in shaping social, political, or international policy more than a few qualify their answers.

Greg Fewer of Malverne, New York, answers affirmatively but adds, "However, a nation has a duty to protect its citizens from harm. To ensure the safety of a nation and its citizens, sometimes war is necessary."

There seems to be a concern that too much forgiveness in public life might lead to a lack of accountability or justice. "Forgiveness does not exclude holding someone accountable for their actions; infact, it demands it," says a Chicago reader. "Forgiveness must be done with compassion, but we must hold people, nations, and religious organizations accountable."

A majority of respondents, however, believe the world would benefit from a more forgiving attitude on the part of nations, especially the United States. "We don't necessarily have to use the word forgiveness in policy circles, but the concept is crucial if we are ever going to discover a way to break the cycles of violence that plagu us," says Scott Cooper of Spokane, Washington.

Many argue that forgiveness is no different on a large-scale than it is on a smaller one. "Countries, just as individuals, must admit there are times they were wrong," says a reader from Iowa.

"Just look how fear-filled our whole world is because of the individual and communal unwillingness to forgive even very ancient wrongs," says Desmond Daly of Tampa, Florida.

Suggested ways to institute forgiveness in public policy include the abolishment of capital punishment, the forgiveness of debts to Third World countries, more humane sentencing for first-time offenders, and the use of mediation rather than military aggression to solve disputes. The intent behind policy is important to Frank Webster of Gainesville, Florida. "Whatever action must be taken should not be taken out of hatred or retribution but out of necessity to solve the problem," he says.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa is cited by several readers as an example of a political leader who successfully facilitated true reconciliation on a large scale. Would it be impossible for a political or religious leader to start talking about forgiving, or praying for, Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein? Kevin Barry of Chantilly, Virginia thinks not. "We claim to be a nation adhering to Christian values, but are we?" he asks.

Not if society continues its blind passion for societal justice rather than Christ-centered mercy, says Claretian Father Frank Iacona of Stone Mountain, Georgia. "Sadly, a perpetrator is not seen as the first victim (which is indeed the case), and society dictates a price for the sake of justice and `peace,'" he says. "Thus, `an eye for an eye' becomes our battle cry, leaving both blind."

Following Jesus' example

So how can we, as individuals and as nations, become more forgiving? The No. 1 response is to try to imitate the life of Jesus. "The example of Jesus is my goal," says Dean Roberts of Moorhead, Minnesota. Jesus' example also teaches Lawrence W. Heine of Albermarle, North Carolina about the need to forgive. "I have a lot to learn," he admits.

"I think of Jesus praying, `Father forgive them' in the very act of being crucified," says Joan aubley of York, Pennsylvania.

"He didn't wait for them to say they were sorry."

Many are also inspired by gospel stories of Jesus practicing forgiveness, as well as his parables that teach about God's expansive love and forgiveness. The prodigal son, the woman at the well, and the woman caught in adultery are mentioned most often.

"Jesus' words and actions set the example of true forgiveness," says

Romana Mitchell of Sacramento, California. "He said to the woman caught in adultery: `Does anyone condemn you? Neither do I.'"

Readers also find inspiration to be better forgivers from the Lord's Prayer, working in divorce and prison ministry, Jesus' words to Peter to forgive "70 times seven," and the examples of spiritual greats such as Henri Nouwen, Cardinal Joseph Bernardin, and Pope John Paul II. But they also learned a lot from everyday people who have forgiven much, including members of Murder Victims' Families for Reconciliation.

Often it's someone even closer to home. "My children, though young, are so willing to forgive and love me unconditionally," says Mary Schaffer of Woodbury, Minnesota. The most powerful example of receiving forgiveness for David Berg of Greenfield, Indiana has been from his spouse. "My wife accepts me in spite of my shortcomings and faults," he says.

Readers recognize that God's love and forgiveness is free and unconditional, and they try hard to do the same--with God's help. As Pat Moeller of Millville, California says, "Life is too short to live without forgiveness."

Join the conversation-online.

In addition to a sample of subscribers, all are invited to respond to U.S. CATHOLIC'S monthly Sounding Board survey at www.uscatholic.org. This month, join U.S. CATHOLIC readers as they talk about evangelizing and spreading the Good News.

AND THE
SURVEY SAYS ...

1. If l refuse to forgive and
carry resentments to my
grave, I will have failed to
accept a key part of Jesus'
message.

agree      97%
disagree    2%
other       1%

2. It is usually more difficult for
me to ...

39%   Ask forgiveness.
12%   Forgive.
15%   I find both equally
      difficult
28%   Neither is difficult for
      me.
6%    Other.

Representative of other. "I can
forgive others and ask others for
forgiveness, but forgiving
myself--that's a challenge; says
a Montana reader.

3. Our culture is generally more
accepting of grudges and
revenge than it is encouraging
of forgiveness.

agree      78%
disagree   18%
other       4%

Should forgiveness play a
role in shaping social,
political, or international
policy?

yes   94%
no    6%

These results are based on survey
responses from 207 U.S. CATHOLIC
readers and Web site visitors.

RELATED ARTICLE: Forgive me for i have sinned.

It seemed like the unforgivable sin. After having an abortion, Mary Williams (not her real name) thought she might never be forgiven--or forgive herself. After several attempts at the sacrament of Reconciliation, she sought out a priest who knew her and her story. "I'll never forget the laying on of hands on my head and forgiving me," she says.

She's not the only one to have a life-changing experience of forgiveness in the sacrament of Reconciliation. More than two thirds of U.S. CATHOLIC readers say the sacrament has been helpful in facilitating forgiveness in their lives. Confession was also repeatedly mentioned in responses to a question about readers' most powerful experience of receiving forgiveness. "During the sacrament of Reconciliation I felt like a big weight had been removed from me, physically as well as spiritually," says Joan Hochmuth of Salisbury, Maryland.

Several converts noted that their first Confession was especially moving. "When, as an adult, I made my first Confession in the Roman Catholic Church, I felt the burden of 49 years of sin lifted from me," says Mary Marty-Middleman of San Antonio.

But others say the sacrament doesn't facilitate forgiveness as much as it should. "It has ceased to be helpful, and spiritual direction has taken its place," says one California reader.--Held Schlumpf