When the Clintons come to town.

HILLARY stands by her man. In a Donna Karan pantsuit.

A stricken Chief Justice Rehnquist swears Bill in, while Hillary holds the inclusive-language edition of the Bible. But just as Bill takes the oath as the 42nd President of the United States, a pop is heard. Not to worry: it's just the button on Bill's suit. "Darn it, Hillary," says Bill into the live mike. "I told you I'm a 48 now."

In an early effort to woo the Hill, Clinton has asked wordsmith Joe Biden to write his speech. "Ask not what your country can do for you," says the President, "but what you can do for your country." Tom Oliphant of the Boston Globe, Joe Klein of Newsweek, and Sid Blumenthal of The New Republic coincidentally all file the same lead: "The torch was passed to a new generation . .. as President Bill Clinton delivered a moving, original, and poignant speech with echoes from the past . . ."

After the swearing in, Bill and Hillary set out to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House, as a tribute to the new ambassador-atlarge, Jimmy Carter. But just as they approach Bice, that monument to wretched excess of the Bush era, Bill gets winded and has to take a cab instead. But first, he stops in the restaurant for a cannoli.

Scandal of the day: Miz Virginia's first faux pas. In the indecision over Hillary's hairdo (to headband or not to headband?) and concern that Gennifer Flowers will try to gate-crash, the aide who is assigned to drive First Mother, Miz Virginia, to her morning appointment at Elizabeth Arden forgets. Miz Virginia shows up at the Inaugural Ball wearing more Maybelline than Tammy Faye Bakker, and a dress from the Gone with the Wind collection of Arkansas's classiest boutique.

Conspicuously absent: Roger Clinton. In an effort to ensure that Bad Brother Roger doesn't become Bill's Billy, the campaign team disappears him for the day.

The short goodbye: Few reporters bother to show up for the Bushes' goodbye wave on the White House lawn. An event marked by Bar's having finally dyed her hair.

Hillary's first official act as First

Lady: To declare that, henceforth, she shall be known as the Presidential Partner.

Hillary's first official act as Presidential Partner: She reveals, in a Donnie Radcliffe exclusive, that she's reverting to her old name, Hillary Rodham. "You voted for him, you got me," Hillary says.

The First Dinner Party

Bill and Hillary throw an impromptu buffet. Occasion: Leftovers from a state dinner are going to waste in the fridge. Just the gang, but James Carville is so in, he gets to bring the poor has-been Mary Matalin. Jimmy and Rosalyn get teary at first, but the mood is upbeat.

Menu: Leftover chicken enchiladas from the state dinner for Francois Mitterrand. Beans and rice. Chocolate-chip cookies and three other dessert selections, each labeled "Bill's favorite." Jugs of wine and fruit-flavored mineral waters, RC colas, and a bottle of Jack Daniels for James Carville.

Topic of conversation: Greed! "Can you believe they were right here in this very room a few short months ago?"

Highlights: Bill sings a medley of Elvis songs, climaxing in "Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog." Then he sits down at the piano and starts belting out some of those Baptist tunes, which, frankly, are beginning to get on the intellectuals' nerves.

Brooke Shearer Talbott, wearing one of those skimpy little silver lame numbers she's so fond of, launches into a wild lambada. Brooke can keep this up all night. Brooke's hubby nods off because it's past his 9:30 bedtime.

Things deteriorate. Hillary looks out the window and sees Bill and Mary Matalin debating in the Rose Garden. Hillary says it's time to go home.

Paybacks and Pundits

* Ultimate Insider Sidney Blumenthal, the scourge of Republicans, replaces fellow New Republic scribe Fred Barnes as Mr. Access when, in another echo from the past, Bill and Hillary pay an impromptu visit to Sid and Jackie in Tacoma Park after the Inaugural Ball. An invitation to dine with the Blumenthals becomes well worth the ride out on the red line. Meanwhile, his New Republic columns continue to help us look beyond whatever bimbo story the Republicans have dredged up this week.

* Michael Kinsley turns down Clinton's offer of the USIA directorship, opting to continue Crossfire, but finds a way to parlay the much-publicized flirtation into a huge pay raise.

* Tom Oliphant, almost rhymes with sycophant, is invited to dinner at the White House not once, but twice.

* The Newsweek fan club--Jonathan Alter, Eleanor Clift, Mark Miller, and sometimes-straying-from-the-pack-to-demonstrate-his-independence Joe Klein--all turn down top Administration jobs; they feel they can be more effective at Newsweek.

* In from the cold: Dan Rather is suddenly chic again.

* Into the cold: Ted Koppel, who can't get anyone to go on Nightline any more, thanks to those put-him-onthe-spot interviews with candidate Clinton. Nightline plummets in the ratings, and, by the end of the Clinton Administration, is booking transvestire priests.

* Suddenly resurrected: Sam Donaldson. By doing no work whatsoever during the campaign, he unknowingly endeared himself to the Clinton camp.

* In decline: Evans & Novak, who can no longer rely on White House leaks, are forced to rely entirely on sources at the Heritage Foundation.

* Surprise recovery: George Will, who manages to stay in print by writing exclusively about baseball, a favorite of the Camelotiers.

Clinton Family Milestones

First family crisis: Little Chelsea rebels. Hillary knows something is up when she finds the fake pearls and Black Watch plaid skirt crumpled in Little Chelsea's dresser drawer. Openly exhibiting Republican tendencies, Chelsea refuses to attend the magnet school Bill and Hillary have selected for her. In a fit of adolescent pique, she says she will fling herself off the Truman Balcony unless she is allowed to go to Madeira, the fancy girls school in Great Falls, and take riding lessons. The final straw comes when Chelsea shows up at a Gold Cup tailgate party wearing an Ann Taylor dress. Hillary puts her foot down and tells Chelsea she's going to public school or else. Chelsea threatens to sue her parents. Amy Carter, last seen protesting the Gulf War in a body bag at the Memphis airport, is called in to try and talk some sense into Chelsea.

First marital spat. Bill is overheard by Hillary one too many times talking about "the biggest watermelons he's ever seen," the defining quote of their meeting at Yale, which appeared in every magazine profile. It finally dawns on the Presidential Partner that he wasn't talking about the fruit.

First public display of populism. In true Democratic tradition, the Clintons announce that they will do their own grocery shopping. After the first photo opportunity at the Georgetown Social Safeway, much is made on the editorial page of the New York Times, commending Bill and Hillary for knowing what a scanner was. The press is fulsome in its praise until minority groups from South West protest the Clintons' choice of Safeways.

First health crisis. Bill's cholesterol level hits 300. The White House physician puts Clinton on a strict diet, but Secret Service agents catch the President sneaking into the White House kitchen for a midnight snack of RC colas and moon pies a la mode. The story is leaked to the Washington Post, causing the Dow Jones to plunge. Panic subsides when the venerable Hugh Sidey opines in an essay in Time magazine that historically the institution of the Presidency has been safe in the hands of fat men, Sidey citing William Howard Taft, and Grover Cleveland.

Second health crisis. Hillary's false pregnancy. When Washington Post gossip columnist Lois Romano reports a rumor that Hillary was seen purchasing a do-it-yourself pregnancy test at the Social Safeway, it immediately triggers a spate of glowing press for the Presidential Partner. New York magazine reruns its Over 45 and Pregnant cover story. Gail Sheehy is dispatched on behalf of Vanity Fair to pop-psychoanalyze Hillary's motives, and later spins her findings into a sequel to her menopause book. Tina Brown is rumored in Liz Smith's column to have secretly promised the Clintons photo approval if Hillary will pose pregnant on the cover of The New Yorker. The supermarket tabloids are the first to question the authenticity of the pregnancy report, forcing Bill and Hillary to go on 60 Minutes and apologize for misleading the American people.

First domestic policy scandal. Marilyn refuses to move out. But no one notices that the Quayles haven't left, partly because well-brought-up Vice President Al Gore is too embarrassed to tell anyone. The secret is finally uncovered when one of the legions of Republican ladies who smuggle food in squeals to Donnie Radcliffe.

Second domestic policy scandal. The White House goes to pot. As the first Presidential Partner to hold a full-time paying job, Hillary neglects the White House. Word spreads in Georgetown that she's allowing state dinners to be served on chipped pieces of Nancy Reagan's china. In a publicrelations coup--and payback to Harry Thomason and Linda Bloodworth-Thomason--Julia Sugarbaker comes in and completely redecorates the White House on the season's premiere of Designing Women. Major Kennedy Events

* Teddy is not only forgiven all his sins and popular again, but he becomes fast friends with President Bill, after the two bond at the blood-pressure machine at the Social Safeway.

* Vicki is overheard in the ladies' room at Notte Luna giving Hillary tips on how to apply eye shadow. The two become fast friends and confidently leave their husbands alone at the bar.

* Jackie invites Hillary to pen her memoirs for Doubleday, but the two have such fun comparing notes over long lunches at trendy New York restaurants that the book never gets written.

* The Kennedy wedding of the decade is JFK Junior's surprise elopement with Debra Winger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is relegated to doing guest spots on The Love Boat. Wife Maria replaces Peter Jennings.

* Willie Smith re-appears as the attending emergency-room physician at Georgetown Hospital the night that President Willie overdoes it playing the saxophone. They become fast friends.

Media Milestones

First major Style story: "Don't Call Me First Lady!" an exclusive interview granted to puzzled White House correspondent Donnie Radcliffe, in which Hillary outlines the non-sexist agenda she will pursue in her new role as Presidential Partner.

Second major Style story: "Two Cabinet-Member Families," a Martha Sherrill classic on overworked couples in the Clinton Cabinet. Where they send out for pizzas. How they find the right day care.

First seven-part series by the Washington Post: Still undetermined, but all Pulitzer Prize-winners have been working on it, and only it. Target date: 1996.

Biggest Spy cover story: "Jason with a G: Hillary's Ex-Beaux Speak Out,"by Rudy Maxa, is widely decried as being in execrable taste.

Return to Donahue: Phil does a trashy, hour on First Brother Roger's revelations in Playboy. Then gives Bill Clinton two weeks' free air time to refute it all.

The Barbara Walters Interview: Miz Virginia speaks her mind--and holds hands with Barbara by the Tidal Basin.

Where Are They Now?

* George Bush: Still looking for a job, job, job.

* Barbara Bush: Blonde and loving it.

* Dan Quayle: Replaces Bill Kemal as Channel 9's weather man.

* Marilyn Quayle: Plotting for Dan to get anchorman Gordon Petersen's job.

* Marlin Fitzwater: Opens a chain of fitness salons.

* Mary Matalin: Finally gets mother's advice right--becomes a Democrat and starts dating Republicans.

Effects on American Culture

* L.A. Law gets a character based on Hillary.

* Murphy Brown gets pregnant again out of wedlock and vows to name the baby Rodham, boy or girl.

* Julia Child retires after White Trash Cooking becomes the nation's number-one cookbook.

The First Year in Review

January: Hillary is Time's Man of the Year.

February: Gennifer resurfaces, only now it's with a J. She does the Penthouse Valentine centerfold, but nobody cares. Except Ted Koppel, who investigates and finds that she paid them.

March: The first tell-all book from the Bush Administration is published by Doubleday. In Bar None, Anna Perez reveals that Barbara Bush actually has blonde roots, but dyed her hair grey so that George would win the election.

April: Bill and Hillary spend Easter weekend with Teddy and Vicki at the Kennedy Compound in Palm Beach.

When the Clintons Come to Town I

May: Bill dyes his hair grey.

June: George Bush has finally landed a job demonstrating the Nordic Track on the Home Shopping Network.

July: War breaks out in every foreign country, but American soldiers are all off the hook, thanks to letters written on their behalf by President Bill.

August: The first family flees to its retreat, at the Quality Inn in Hot Springs, for a well-deserved vacation. Hillary drives.

September: Miss Arkansas wins the Miss America pageant, becoming the first Arkansan to wear the crown since Liz "Did She or Didn't She?" Ward. The White House replies by making her the first Miss America not to be invited for handshakes in the Oval Office.

October: Mario Cuomo finally gets invited to the White House, but he refuses to go because he's sure that they only want him there because it is Columbus Day. President Bill denies the allegations, but he apologizes anyway.

November: Bill overdoes it at the Thanksgiving picnic.

December: At the Clinton's first Christmas White House, Hillary insists on being Santa Claus.