When Wishing Does Not Make It So

Dear Margo: I have a 25-year-old son who has been married to his high-school sweetheart for less than two years. Several weeks ago I found out he was cheating on her, and I confronted him. He subsequently told his wife, who left him and moved in with my husband and me. (She is not close with her own family.) We love her dearly. My son's behavior is distressing, to say the least. He got a DUI two months ago, told his older sister he had been on a cocaine binge for two months (which he later denied), and apparently has not been coming home until the wee hours for the last few months. Last week my daughter-in-law went to pick up some things from their apartment and found a strange woman in their bed and my son lying beside her. He immediately came to me and said he met this girl at AA and she needed a place to stay. My daughter-in-law is filing for divorce, and somehow I want to believe his explanation is plausible. I feel pulled in two different directions and feel for both of them. Am I being an idiot for wanting to believe him? — Pulled in Two Directions

Dear Pulled: Far be it from me to call a reader an idiot, so let's just say your hopes are warring with your common sense. Any guy who tries to explain away a girl in bed with him by saying she needed a place to stay has, shall we say, a whole lotta chutzpah. This is the same kind of guy who would try to convince you that the dinosaur died standing up in the museum of natural history. I think it is wonderful that you are supporting your daughter-in-law, and I hope the recent goings on will have a, well, sobering effect on your son. — Margo, realistically

Perhaps There's a Misunderstanding?

Dear Margo: I have a problem and I need advice. I am love struck. I am in love with a woman (she is 18) from work. We get along great, text and talk all the time, take our breaks together, and have great times. My parents love her. We want the same things in life, have the same beliefs (politics, religion) and really like each other in a romantic way. I want to spend the rest of my life with her except for one problem. She is dating a boy (she graduated high school a year ago and he is a senior). I am getting annoyed because there is very little sign of them breaking up anytime soon. I feel like the other man and I don't know what to do. For background information, he is an 18-year-old high-school football player with no job (he quit his last one), has few prospects in life and shows signs of abusive/controlling behavior that worry me. I am a 23-year-old college student with a full-time job, never married, no kids.

So my question is: Should I just wait for her to mature and break up with him, or tell her my feelings and let what happens happen? I am afraid if I wait around for her to pick the better man (me), I will just be torturing myself. So what do you think? — Love Struck and Confused

Dear Love: When you say you like each other "in a romantic way," I am not sure I follow. Are you romantically involved, or do you just see the possibilities? It sounds to me as though you are great office buddies, but she has a boyfriend. I never recommend "waiting around" for someone's relationship to fall apart, but, feeling as you do, I would tell her your feelings. Maybe she's just hedging her bets with the boyfriend, but to tell you the truth, I kind of doubt it. If you establish that she is committed to him, I would create some distance between you. It will serve you better in the long run — and I am sure it will be her loss. — Margo, sympathetically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [e-mail]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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