What good are godparents?

If they stay involved after the water is sprinkled, godparents can be important spiritual mentors and role models, say respondents to a U.S. CATHOLIC reader survey.

CATHOLICS KNOW GODMOTHERS and godfathers are neither grantors of all our wishes nor organized-crime bosses, Disney and Hollywood depictions notwithstanding. But the role of godparents has gotten a little muddy in recent generations. Too often they are mere liturgical accessories on a child's Baptism day, according to a survey of U.S. CATHOLIC readers and Web site visitors. That's a shame, because the godparent relationship can be one of spiritual support, encouragement, and mentoring--not to mention friendship.

"I find the meaning of this relationship to be mostly forgotten today, and that's too bad," says Donald Williams of Calistoga, California. "For me, it was important that there was somebody outside my immediate family who had a special concern for me."

Several survey respondents told glowing stories about how important their godparents had been in their lives and in their spiritual development. But the majority lamented that they had little or no relationship with the people who had served as special witnesses at their Baptism. A sizeable number said they didn't even know who their godparents were.

More than half said they thought most godparents were little more than ceremonial participants at a Baptism. More indicting was the tiny number (only 3 percent) who believed godparents make a real effort to participate in the child's religious upbringing--which is, after all, what godparents pledge to do.

Both parents and godparents--and societal influences such as increased mobility--share the blame, readers say. Although godparents should try to be more than just annual gift-givers, it's also true that parents often fail to choose their child's godparents wisely, opting instead to placate family members or honor friends--people who may or may not have much religious commitment.

What to look for

A godparent should be a person of deep faith, prayer, and spirituality, according to a consensus of readers. A large number also cited the importance of being an active Catholic, though others put the ability to "walk the talk" above institutional commitment.

"I think the most important quality a godparent should have is a lived faith that is expressed in a daily lifestyle," says Sister Donna Marie Bradesca, O.S.U. of North Olmstead, Ohio.

"They should practice their faith beyond the `Sunday obligation,'" says Diana Graham of Fairfax, Virginia. "And they must be close to the family so the `living' part of faith is seen and shared."

A Kentucky reader agrees: "Godparenting from a distance is hard."

Other desirable qualities for godparents include a sincere interest in the child, good listening skills, nonjudgmental acceptance, stability, high moral character, and a capacity for being a role model. It helps if they have a good understanding of the sacrament of Baptism.

"Those invited to be godparents should decline if they do not have the qualifications," concludes Father Joseph Rebman of Greenville, Delaware.

According to canon law, godparents represent the community of faith at the Baptism. Their function after Baptism is to serve as proxies for the parents if they are unable or fail to provide for the child's religious training.

According to some traditions, godparents were expected to step in if the parents died. "Today," says Patricia Houston of Jaffrey, New Hampshire, "the emphasis is more on the role of spiritual guide, as well as some social obligations."

Unfortunately, those social obligations frequently override religious ones.

Survey respondents overwhelmingly agree that the biggest mistake parents make when choosing godparents is selecting family members out of a sense of obligation or to honor them, without considering the person's faith or church involvement. Also criticized were parents who choose godparents based on their possible financial--rather than spiritual--contributions to the child.

Some believe choosing a family member helps facilitate a lifelong relationship, while others believe it's best to choose someone outside the family. "Family members already have a relationship with the child, and that often obscures the role of godparent," says Pat Sykora of Tustin, California.

Don't drop out

Readers were nearly unanimous about godparents' biggest failure: not taking their role seriously, especially once the ceremony is over. "Too often they become only gift-givers and not faith-sharers," said one reader from Missouri.

Often unaware of the commitment they are making, many godparents are shy about sharing their faith. "They think they won't make a difference and drop out of the child's life," says Margaret Albee of Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin.

Occasionally, some godparents make the mistake of being too pushy, overwhelming the child--and parents--with guidance and "helpful" suggestions. Another critique: godparents who spoil the child with too many gifts.

When godparenting relationships are successful, it's often because the relationship between the parents and godparents stays strong over the years. "The best godparenting relationship I've had is successful because of the closeness between the two families," says Frank W. Ranker of Mentor, Ohio.

"Like any relationship, the role of godparents is defined by all the people involved," says Paul Gerard Marx of Prairie Village, Kansas. "When my children transferred to a public school, my sister, a godmother of my eldest, asked me point-blank what plans were in store for their formal religious education."

Though a sizeable number of respondents reported they had little or no relationship with their own godparents after their Baptism, those who did said they did a pretty good job. Asked to rank them on a scale of one to 10, the average score was about 6.

Faithful role models

Many had fond memories, especially of their godmothers.

"I remember being welcomed into my godmother's home regardless of what she was doing or how disruptive my visit may have been," says Carol Thee of Hackensack, New Jersey.

"My godmother was at every major event in my life," remembers a Massachusetts reader. "She always introduced me to others as `my godchild.' She was very proud of that."

According to the readers, godparents most often taught by example. Faithfulness during difficult marriages, illness, and other trials were among the lessons from their godparents. Respondents also say they learned generosity, family loyalty, and trust in God.

"When I went to visit my godmother in the hospital, she looked at me and said, `I prayed for you always, now please pray for me.' I was so moved to find out that she prayed for me," says Amparo Becerra of Kress, Texas.

Readers also fondly remember their godparents' participation in sacramental celebrations, including their First Communions and weddings. "They were serious about their faith and took an interest in my living my faith," says a priest from Pennsylvania.

Quality time together

U.S. CATHOLIC readers seem to be popular choices as godparents, with 82 percent reporting having at least one godchild. Some had as many as 12 or 16, with one claiming 38 godchildren!

Nearly all see being a godparent as a blessing, not to mention sometimes a challenge to their own spiritual lives. Being a godparent "makes me more aware of my faith and how it goes beyond just my family," says Richard Molina of Monterey Park, California.

In addition to the traditional gift-giving, many godparents have come up with creative ways to nurture the godparent-godchild relationship. Spending quality time together seems to be key. Some say they meet for regular dinners, attend Mass together, or keep in touch with Sunday night phone calls or by e-mail.

Maintaining communication is especially important during the teen years. "We have spent a significant amount of time discussing faith, talking about the Catholic Church, working through questions and doubts this young person has experienced regarding her faith journey," says Regina Ratzlaff of Hamilton Square, New Jersey.

To create meaningful rituals with their godchildren, many godparents mark the anniversary of the child's Baptism with a card, a special dinner out, or a gift. One godfather writes his godchild a letter each year on the anniversary of his Baptism.

Maureen O'Brien remembers renewing her baptismal vows each year with her parents, grandparents, and godparents. "That was a powerful, moving ritual," she says.

Shirley Schmidt of Blue Grass, Iowa suggests lighting the child's baptismal candle and offering a prayer in his or her honor.

Rather than just writing a check for birthdays, graduations, and religious holidays, many godparents prefer to give religious gifts whenever possible.

One godparent gave an adult godchild an Engaged Encounter weekend as a wedding gift. Another paid for college tuition. Eva Gonzalez of Piano, Texas gives her godchildren one piece of a nativity set each year on the child's baptismal "birthday."

"I am compiling a scrapbook of all the significant occasions in my godchild's life with the emphasis on the religious ones," says Don Breaux of Patterson, Louisiana. He plans to present it to her on her wedding day.

But readers agree the greatest gift a godparent can give--even when the child is grown--is to stay connected. That's what Francis Abbey of Hyattsville, Maryland, plans to do. "This survey has prompted me to contact my godchildren and renew my relationship."

AND THE SURVEY SAYS ...

1. Are you or have you been anybody's godparent?

yes 82%

no 18%

2. As a person's godparent I typically: (Respondents could check more than one.)

63% Send cards or notes for significant events.

44% Routinely send gifts or money at holidays and birthdays.

39% Try to give religious books or gifts when possible.

35% Contact my godchild quite frequently during the year.

27% Find myself fretting about not being able to do more.

16% Other.

Results are based on survey responses from 164 U.S. CATHOLIC readers and Web site visitors.

RELATED ARTICLE: HISPANIC GODPARENT IT RIGHT

Hispanic Catholics could teach the rest of us a thing or two about godparenting.

Padrinos truly are like second parents, says Alicia Rivera, former director of Hispanic family ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago.

"In Hispanic culture, godparents play a big role," says Rivera, who is padrina to 16 godchildren.

Padrinos remain involved in their godchildren's lives, especially at sacramental occasions. A godmother often helps her goddaughter shop for her First Communion dress, and padrinos usually are honored during wedding ceremonies.

This ongoing commitment is crucial, Rivera says, because "becoming a baptized Christian is a lifelong process. And we need help from the community." --HS

HEIDI SCHLUMPF, assistant editor of U.S. CATHOLIC.