Welcome back Dittmeyer.

MAYBE SOME OF YOU GUYS know this. Maybe not. But basically I got my job at Thrasher through these little 'zines I used to make called Programmed from India. Which is totally awesome. But the only thing that bothered me was that I didn't make PFI by myself. I made it with this dude named David Dittmeyer that used to live on my couch. And when I got the job at Thrasher I was super stoked to tell the Dittmeyer because I assumed we'd kind of be working together. But during that same time, David totally disappeared. No trace. All his shit was still in my house, but he was nowhere to be found. I should mention that Dittmeyer is a middle-aged alcoholic with a history of sketchy business, so I wasn't too worried. But it still left me wondering how I was going to live up to Thrasher's expectations without my writing partner.

Fast forward to last week. I came home from skating and the Dittmeyer was totally sitting on my porch working on a pack of Dorals and a 12'er of High Life. I was anxious to hear what the dude had been up to. Hopefully you're interested too because I busted out the recorder and interviewed the guy. If you're not interested, that's cool too. Go buy another mag and read about bigspins or Barcelona being a bust or whatever the hell everybody else is writing about these days.

So Dittmeyer, what's been going on? Where've you been?

Mainly jail. But I was in Florida for a little while too. Florida is awesome for dudes like me.

You went to jail? What happened this time?

Well, I was late for work and since I don't have a fucking car, I was just walking and knowing I wouldn't make it on time, you know. And I was still feeling sort of drunk from the night before, so maybe my judgment wasn't totally on point. But anyway, I saw this cop car with its door open and it was totally running. So I just thought, like, "Fuck it. Those dudes are supposed to be here to help us out, right?" So like, I borrowed the car so I wouldn't be late for work.

Where were you working?

Wendy's.

You stole a cop car so you wouldn't be late to work at Wendy's?

Yeah, like I said, maybe my judgment wasn't what society considers as being "good."

How'd you get caught?

Well, let's just say a dude wearing a Wendy's uniform driving a cop car attracts a certain amount of suspicion. I got pretty close though. Just bad luck I guess.

How was jail?

Shit man. How do you think jail was? Dumbshit.

Well how'd you end up in Florida?

Well, after I got out of jail I called my cousin to see if he had any work and he said he was managing a Pizza Hut in Jacksonville and that he could get me a job as night janitor, so I was like, "Fuck it. Guess I'm partying in Florida for awhile." Could be worse.

How'd you end up back here?

Well, apparently mopping the floors with a bucketful of your own piss is a firing offense. I don't know. I thought it was funny. I lasted longer at that job than any other one I've had though, so I still see Florida as an A+ on the Dittmeyer's report card. But after I got fired I was like, "Fuck it. Might as well head back to Texas." I think I left some shit here anyway. Have you seen my Judas Priest bandana?

No, I haven't. Anyway, so what are you going to do here in town?

Probably crash on your sofa 'til I get back on my feet. And I guess I got three years back pay coming out of your Thrasher money since you owe me that shit for getting you the job. We'll just put that towards my rent.

Are you going to get a job?

Well I figure with half of your Thrasher check I'll probably just have to get a part-timer. Maybe Mickey D's or Burger King. Someplace where I can throw my weight around.

So you're going to be helping out with the column?

Hell yeah. I'll buy the beer and think of the dumb shit. You just use that computer. I don't like those things, man. Fucking robots, man. You seen Terminator, man?

So what's your first idea for an article?

Probably something to do with putting a jump ramp on the top of El Toro. Seriously dudes, step it up. Judo that bitch. Shit's getting stale out there. I wanna see some 30-foot drops this year.

Dittmeyer, how do you even keep up with this skateboarding shit? You barely even skate.

Man, skating is what I live for. Well, after booze and smokes. Shit man, I might not have started skateboarding until I was 43, but that doesn't mean I'm not just as into it as the next peckerwood. It don't matter how much you skate. It just matters that you skate. Speaking of which, you got a board I can have? I think I left mine at the bar. Again.

Well shit Dittmeyer, it's good to see you again. Any words to the kids?

Shit man, I just did a whole damn interview. There's probably something worth a shit in there. Damn man. Okay, how about: Kids, if you have a warrant out for your arrest somewhere, then don't never go back to that place. Where's that shot of Rum you said you'd give me if I let you record this? Fuckin' a dude, let's party.

Dittmeyer turned off the recorder at this point and took seven shots of Rum in about an hour. Then he just kind of passed out while talking about Ozzfest.

(Note: this is actually Dittmeyer's second interview in Thrasher. His first interview appeared in the February 2003 issue. I'm not exactly sure why that's important, but David told me to include that information in case anybody was questioning his "street cards." I don't even know what that means.)

(He also told me that my last article was a total rip-off of his only article ever to be printed in Thrasher, which was in the October 2003 issue. Ouch. That hurts.)

(Dittmeyer also told me to mention that he had a sequence in the June 2003 issue of Thrasher in case you guys doubt his "skate rep." Damn, Okay Dittmeyer. We fucking get it. Geez, give it a break.)