War cries and endgames. (Off the Map).

Minneapolis, Minnesota, where Jesse Ventura didn't run for reelection. Rumor has it he's going back to pro wrestling. Glad to see he's finally moving up on that whole career ladder thing.

For a while there, Bush the Two was running into a couple of teensy-weensy stumbling blocks trying to pawn off his new improved Iraqi invasion plans to any and all appropriate buyers. The first problem: Nobody wanted it. And second: He had trouble explaining exactly what it was he was selling.

But he was possessed by the spirit of a hyperactive insurance salesman wearing a bad plaid suit in a beat up Taurus with a telescoping clothes rack stretched across the back seat, talking the ears off of anyone who wanted to listen. Or didn't. He recited his skewed actuarial charts in front of a decidedly cool Congressional Leadership Caucus and then he went on the biggest cold call of his life: the United Nations. It was a buyers' market.

See, back when Clinton was President, now, there was your sellers' market, mister. But now, whew!

There's also a tiny slight defect in Bush's major selling point. "We have to invade Iraq because of a very important reason." The reason? He can't tell us. It's not that he doesn't want to. He'd love to, but see, it's a secret.

Whatever it is, I think we can pretty much rule out math. The old default argument, we have to preemptively strike to stop the stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction, isn't working, because that logic leaves Delaware vulnerable to an air strike eliminating Dow Chemical as a threat. Of course, it doesn't help that every major ally of ours would rather import a couple of container cars of the West Nile virus than throw in with us.

George had so little support on this at first that even Ariel Sharon wasn't returning his calls. I doubt Laura was buying into it. "Jeez, I don't know, George, don't you think this is a little sudden?"

Even the twins have got to be wondering if this isn't a little reckless. And if all that weren't enough, George the One's former staffers kept going on TV muttering discouraging words. Which, at the end of the day, had to be the most galling part since all he's trying to do is finish up one of Poppy's unfinished chores.

"Top of the world, Dad! Top of the world."

Frequently asked questions about our imminent attack on Iraq.

Q. The economy sucks, Bush is President, and we're going to war with Iraq. This seems a bit of a familiar road?

A. I think Sherman set the Wayback Machine to 1991. Hope this doesn't mean we'll also have to live through another whole spate of Pauly Shore star vehicles.

Q. Why exactly are we poised to blow Baghdad to smithereens?

A. Think of it as the old David Copperfield strategy. Economy? What economy?

Q. No, no, I mean, what is the administration's rationale for getting ready to blow Baghdad to smithereens?

A. Oh, that. Saddam Hussein is piling up weapons of mass destruction. Big piles. Huge piles.

Q. What kind of delivery system would they use to hit us with them?

A. Nobody knows. Ox cart? Cow? No, that's Pakistan.

Q. Aren't we planning to blow them to smithereens with weapons of mass destruction?

A. Ah, but those are our weapons of mass destruction. Totally different. Night and day. Bruce and Gunther.

Q. What's the difference between Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and our weapons of mass destruction?

A. We give ours happy names. The Daisycutter. Bomb or garden tool? Hard to tell, right? The Peacekeeper. A multiple warhead hydrogen bomb called the Peacekeeper. Clever, no? And it's not mustard gas, it's a really strong antihistamine.

Q. How long has Saddam been guilty of stockpiling these weapons of mass destruction?

A. Oh, about since 1980.

Q. Wasn't he our good buddy back then?

A. As a matter of fact, the weapons of mass destruction he used on Iran he got from us. Which might be the hidden agenda here. We want them back.

Q. If George W. Bush is willing to take out Iraq for a lousy mid-term election, what's he going to do for crunch time in two years when he's up for reelection?

A. Don't know. Maybe declare war on Canada. We should start hearing drumbeats about the Maple Leaf Menace pretty soon now. Playing the South Park card. Oh my God, they've killed Cheney. You bastards!

Will Durst wonders how long before South Africa throws sanctions on us.