WOULD-BE MORALITY THRILLER 'DERAILED' GOES OFF THE TRACKS.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

'DERAILED'' IS an Adrian Lyne morality thriller without the sex or the sheen.

Which leaves us with ... what? A thriller without much in the way of thrills? A twist you can see coming within the film's first 10 minutes? The spectacle of Clive Owen playing the Stupidest Man on Earth who suddenly, and very improbably, turns into a crafty schemer in the movie's last 15 minutes?

Not much, is it? Lyne at least knows how to deliver pulp and scared-straight messages with some semblance of fun before inevitably going batty. Swedish director Mikael Hafstrom, making his English-language debut here, packages amorality and then expects you to care about his characters and social statements. His earnestness (his Swedishness?) is completely at odds with the material.

Owen plays Charles Schine, a Chicago ad executive who's one half of a harried two-career couple caring for a teenage daughter with type 1 diabetes. (That 29-year-old Melissa George plays the girl's mother (!) is but one of the movie's many head-scratching improbabilities.)

Weighed down by responsibilities, Charles' dormant sex drive awakens when he meets Lucinda (Jennifer Aniston) on the train to work. Lucinda is supposed to be a femme fatale type (Aniston can't quite shed her good-girl tendencies to make it work), leggy, lovely, intense. Soon, Charles is making the old ``gotta work late'' phone call to the wife so he and Lucinda can check into a seedy hotel and enjoy a night away from their respective families.

This does not work out exactly as they planned. The usual developments - threats, blackmail, painful confessions - follow. There are acting turns from a couple of rappers (RZA and Xzibit). There's a Frenchman (Vincent Cassel) who is crazier than a bag of squirrels. There's a cop delivering a final statement about the vagaries of justice that will make you want to throw yourself off a cliff.

In its own way, ``Derailed'' proves instructional. If you are ever in Chicago and thinking about having an illicit affair, spend more than $46 for the room. Put the deadbolt on the door. And if your daughter has a life-threatening medical condition that requires a huge emotional and financial commitment, you might want to forget about the whole thing, stay home and spend some time together. But still lock the deadbolt. You never know.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

DERAILED - One star

(R: strong disturbing violence, language, some sexuality)

Starring: Clive Owen, Jennifer Aniston.

Director: Mikael Hafstrom.

Running time: 1 hr. 50 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: An Adrian Lyne movie without the sex or the sheen. In other words, there is no reason for its existence.

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After meeting on a train, Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen embark on a tawdry affair in ``Derailed.''