WORLDS APART DEPLOYMENT TOUGH ON TROOP SPOUSES.

Byline: Jennifer Radcliffe Staff Writer

As soon as Staff Sgt. Carl Coles leaves for Iraq, something in his Sylmar house breaks. The pipes burst or the power goes out.

``He leaves on Friday and, boom, Saturday, the roof starts leaking,'' laughed his wife, Jewell Coles, 51, who's been juggling home repairs and raising three teenagers since her husband was deployed to Iraq in September.

Handyman - or, in most military cases, handywoman - is just one of the titles spouses assume when their significant other is deployed. There's also accountant, landscaper, electrician, dog walker, chauffeur and Little League coach.

``We call that the Murphy's Law of the Military Spouseship: The moment he walks out the door, everything will go wrong,'' said Babette Maxwell, founder of Military Spouse magazine.

But keeping busy around the house can also be a blessing. It helps military spouses overcome the loneliness and uncertainty that comes with having a loved one deployed and in harm's way.

While it's been two years since the war in Iraq started, some of the nation's 800,000 military spouses have been struggling with deployment issues for decades.

The emotional roller coaster begins well before the teary send-off at the airport. Spouses must watch their loved ones grant power of attorney, draft a will and deal with other issues of mortality.

``It was a reality check,'' said Sunland resident Louise Flynn, coordinator of the Family Readiness Group for her husband's battalion, which is currently stationed in the Sinai Peninsula.

Even the toughest spouses struggle during the first few weeks and during the holidays. Spouses say they have the toughest time at night, when the kids are already tucked in and they realize that they are alone.

``I've been pretty strong through this. I do have my days; I'm not going to lie,'' said Santa Clarita resident Nancy Williams, whose husband, Garland Williams, is a Black Hawk pilot in Iraq.

But, she added: ``He's doing what he loves and I support him 100 percent. That's what makes it bearable.''

Spouses say the keys to coping are to keep busy, to find support and to turn off CNN, which will only increase anxiety.

``You go through so many stages: the denial stage, the anger stage, the pity-me stage. It's almost like grieving,'' said Santa Clarita resident Phyllis Casper, whose husband is a master sergeant with the Army National Guard Reserve in Iraq.

Eventually, Casper said, ``You learn to be self-sufficient. You become superwoman.''

Many women said they also realize that they need to be ``cheerleaders'' for their spouses, who are also battling tremendous emotional angst and physical obstacles overseas.

Spouses say they try to put on brave faces so that they don't burden their soldiers with troubles on the home front. They try to stay positive on calls and in e-mails, skirting over the broken washing machine and children's disciplinary problems.

``I try not to worry him about things because I don't want him to lose focus,'' said Coles, whose husband also served in the Persian Gulf War 15 years ago. ``It's hard not sharing those things with him - getting his input, his opinion.''

They turn to neighbors, relatives and support groups for help.

``I don't like to ask for help, but in a situation like this, you've got to learn to ask,'' said Carolyn Griffiths of Santa Clarita, whose husband, Maj. David Griffiths of the Army National Guard Reserve, returned from Iraq last month.

They also turn to other military spouses. Griffiths joined Angel Prayer, a Santa Clarita-based support group.

Some rely on their faith,

``I pray every day. I leave it all in God's hands,'' Coles said.

Spouses pass along tips - like folklore - for juggling household duties, staying upbeat and keeping family members connected. They train each other on new technology that can help them stay in touch.

Today, spouses use Web cams, satellite phones and instant messaging to stay in touch with deployed soldiers.

They use talking picture frames and videotaped bedtime stories to remind young children of their overseas parent. Some stay busy planning family vacations for when their spouse returns.

Maxwell launched Military Spouse magazine last fall to grapple with some of these tough issues. People were so hungry for the information that the magazine sold out almost immediately.

``I think the military community at large, we've been aware of our situation for generations, but the rest of the world doesn't necessarily know what it's like for us,'' said Maxwell, whose Navy husband has been deployed nine times during their eight-year marriage.

While soldiers and sailors earn medals and awards, it's the spouses who are holding up the home front.

Very few regret marrying into the military, she said.

``I don't think you would find any military spouse that wouldn't do it again,'' she said. ``We know freedom's not free. Part of that price is that we're paying a sacrifice, too.''

Jennifer Radcliffe, [phone]

jennifer.radcliffe(at)dailynews.com

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Jewell Coles holds a recent photo of her husband, who's on duty in Iraq, as their three teenagers look on.

Tom Mendoza/Staff Photographer

(2 -- color) From left, members of the Prayer Angels and military wives Carolyn Griffiths, Nancy Williams and Phyllis Casper send letters and cards to support troops overseas.

Gus Ruelas/Staff Photographer