WHOA - THESE TWO CAN'T DO ROMANCE.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock move from ``Speed's'' ticking-time-bomb bus to a magical mailbox in the forlorn romance ``The Lake House,'' and this is one movie where Keanu won't have to pass on the sequel.

That there can be no follow-up is about the only good news contained in this misguided, mopey mystery, a remake of the 2000 Korean love story ``Il Mare.'' The filmmakers remove the guesswork from the story about 15 minutes into the movie, placing the burden for the picture's success on the connection you feel for the two main characters. And since your affinity for these sad sacks is tenuous at best, even diehard romantics will be challenged to remain interested in this wan valentine.

Reeves plays Alex, an architect who moves into a Chicago-area lake house where he finds a note from the previous owner. Sorry about the paw prints by the door, the letter reads. Sorry, too, about the box in the attic. Strange -- Alex doesn't see any paw prints. Stranger still -- the audience doesn't see an attic from exterior shots of the house.

It turns out that the house's previous tenant, Dr. Kate (Bullock), actually lived in the house AFTER Architect Alex. She exists in 2006; he's caught in 2004. But they can communicate by leaving letters in the property's mailbox, which they do with increasing frequency, though, curiously, they never bother to include a photo.

Director Alejandro Agresti gets some nice visual mileage out of the mailbox gambit, but the instantaneous correspondence between Alex and Kate brings to mind more the idea of two harried professionals sending wireless e-mail than dispatching passionate letters. The movie's dippy dialogue and barely-there supporting cast don't help in establishing the intended magic. An example:

Kate to hospital colleague, ``I'm in kind of a long-distance relationship. It's the story of my life. I keep everyone at a distance.''

Colleague, ``He must write one hell of a letter!''

Well, no. In fact, it's easy to guess that Kate is the kind of career gal more comfortable in a make-believe romance so as not to make a dent in her self-involved life. Writer David Auburn tries to address this, but runs up against Bullock's dramatic limitations. Why an actress so adept at playing spirited women insists on playing glum, lost souls in movie after movie is beyond understanding.

There are things, too, that Reeves should never be asked to do.

Off the top of my head: 1) cry on screen; 2) make serious, grown-up conversation; 3) be required to sneeze on cue. That he must do all of these things in ``The Lake House'' requires a greater suspension of disbelief than anything contained in the movie's magical mailbox.

Glenn Whipp, [phone].

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THE LAKE HOUSE - Two stars

(PG: language, disturbing image.)

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock.

Director: Alejandro Agresti.

Running time: 1 hr. 48 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: ``Speed'' stars Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves reunite in a forlorn romance about a couple of sad sacks stuck somewhere in time. No guesswork involved in the story's mystery, no interest in the movie's mopey characters.

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Photo:

Keanu Reeves, as a lonesome architect, retrieves a letter from Sandra Bullock in the mopey love story ``The Lake House.''