WHO WILL SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Not to burst everyone's bubble, but don't you think that even an illogical illusionist like David Blaine, who has submerged himself in a giant aquarium and stands to suffer irreversible brain damage from oxygen deprivation while trying to pull off his latest May Sweeps TV stunt, has stopped holding his breath waiting for a L.A.-L.A.-Land Series?

--Isn't it the Lakers who really need some bolt of Magic right about now?

--What kind of knee-jerk roller-derby move does Raja ``T-Bird'' Bell have planned for Kobe in the grand octagon finale in touchy, feely Phoenix? Some kind of Ralphie Valladeres cross chop to the McRibb sandwich? A Danny Reilly flip into the lap of the Gorilla? A Honey Sanchez luscious leg whip? Or will it be a tender cling-and-jerk of the family jewels, something even a former Kansas City Bomber like Raquel Welch could appreciate, but Chris Kaman would just as soon not have to grimace through again?

--Speaking of which, what does Billy Crystal's crystal ball say about the Clippers' next opponent? A penny for Penny Marshall's thoughts? Frankly, do you even care what Frankie Muniz mumbles?

--How do we avoid being subjected to a Matt Leinart-Paris Hilton sex tape? Shouldn't Leinart have to give her a Wonderlic test first? Isn't having Lachey and Valderamma around supposed to repell these kinda tramp- ese artists? Is it too early for Kurt Warner to take the goofy kid under his angelic wing and impart a little Cardinal knowledge?

--Have John Daly and Charles Barkley finished their audition for ESPN Iconoclastic's ``Biggest Loser'' Texas Fold 'Em tournament? How many copies of this $25 autobiography will Daly have to sell in order to buy his way into his next hand? How fast would Jimmy Caan immediately comp the Daly Doubledown or Sir ATM Machine an entire floor for a week at his faux Vegas hotel if either of 'em managed to squeeze themselves through the revolving glass door with Janet Gretzky in tow?

--Who do the red-faced Red Wings fire this time?

--Does Mariah Carey consider Derek Jeter underrated?

--Does Michelle Wie finally making the cut at a men's event (albeit one that no real man is even competing in) mean she'll finally give this whole thing a rest?

--Will anyone make a connection some day between Hootie Johnson's departure as the head the female- unfriendly Augusta National and baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis joining the dearly departed in 1944, which finally opened the door for the Brooklyn Dodgers to sign Jackie Robinson?

--Which of the ponies on the Churchill Downs carousel will Bob Baffert saddle up again? Does the character- flawed combo of Sharp Humor and Flashy Bull sound Yum Brand-dandy to you as a bettor, or is it just our self-absorbed way of thinking outside the Kentucky Fried Derby box?