WHINING REPLACES CRYING AS TOOL FOR MANIPULATION.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin

When babies cry, it is their way of telling us they are in need. Parents learn very quickly from the sounds of their baby what it is they want. As children grow out of the crying stage to meet their needs, they often begin to whine. Why?

The reason children whine is that it gets results. Initially parents reward children for crying because when they do, mother comes and relieves their discomfort. The same thing happens when children begin to whine. It gets results. Parents often respond quickly to get rid of the annoying noise by giving in to their child's demands. This positive reward teaches the child that if he wants something, all he has to do is whine. In this way, a parent makes the habit of whining even stronger.

What children whine about is anything they want. Initially, as a baby who hasn't learned to talk, whining is often about physical needs, such as being hungry or thirsty or needing to be changed. As children grow and learn what works with mother, they may whine about something they want, such as candy or a toy. Children quickly learn that if it works once, keep doing it every time you want something. As children master language, often in the years from 3 to 10, they may become more manipulative. If whining works, why not try it when you go to a store? Parents often fall into their trap in order to avoid embarrassment and quiet the child when shopping. The purchase of a toy is an important signal to the child that this is the way you get what you want, even if mother says no initially. Children tend to whine more when they are tired or upset.

Whining is not a normal part of behavior. It is a response that children learn at an early age that works. If parents stop rewarding or giving in to their child, then the message is that it will no longer work and the behavior changes. It is not magic, but simply lack of success that makes children stop whining. An illustration of this is that children learn very quickly not to whine in school, because the teacher does not reward whining behavior. Some children are more prone to whining than others. Children who are dependent and clinging to their mothers, or children who are more fearful of socializing with other children, tend to whine more. Parents can use the same tactics to stop whining in all children.

How does a parent stop whining behavior? Certain behaviors parents use do not work well in reducing whining. A natural response might be to give in. That clearly makes the problem worse. Getting angry and threatening a child does not work. Punishments do not work, especially if the behavior is rewarded from time to time. What does work is a combination of 1. Never rewarding whining behavior. 2. Ignoring the whining request and telling the child that only if it is made in a normal voice will you even consider the request. 3. Rewarding requests that are made in a normal tone of voice by telling the child you appreciate him/her not whining.

Suggestions for parents: 1. Stop rewarding children for whining by giving in to them. 2. Don't use threats or punishments; they won't work. Use positive praise when whining does not occur. 3. Tell your child that you are going to ignore requests that are made by whining - and stick to it.