WHEN THIS MOVIE SAYS 'THE END,' IT MEANS IT.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

Apocalyptic schemers have long been keen on making a fast buck by cranking out doomsday movies that prey on the fears of uncertain people. Mark IV's ``A Thief in the Night'' and Hal Lindsay's ``The Late Great Planet Earth'' blazed that dubious trail back in the '70s, and now we have ``Left Behind: The Movie,'' a poorly made, theologically shaky, unintentionally funny film that tries to scare ``unbelievers'' straight into the Kingdom of God.

Based on the first book of the best-selling ``Left Behind'' series, this movie was actually released on video last October with the idea of mobilizing the faithful to, in the words of lead actor Kirk Cameron, ``see the quality of the production, get excited and tell everyone that they need to come see it.''

Bad idea. ``Left Behind: The Movie'' is so awful that even true believers will have difficulty staying awake. It takes real effort to make the Antichrist look dull, but somehow director Victor Sarin and screenwriters John Bishop and Alan B. McElroy have accomplished that feat, making the end times about as scary as a church bake sale.

For those unacquainted with the source material, ``Left Behind'' spins its own interpretation of the Bible's book of Revelation, proposing that Christians will ascend into skies in an event called the rapture. Those left behind will be forced to deal with several years of tribulation at the hands of the Antichrist, a world leader whose disposition is pretty well understood by his name.

The villains that set the apocalyptic chain of events into motion are the usual suspects: international bankers, evil Arab nations, disarmament wackos and, of course, the United Nations. The news media play a key role, too. (Funny, no journalists seem to make God's cut into heaven.)

The film's distributor, Cloud Ten Pictures, has been making apocalyptic movies for the past few years with names like ``Revelation'' and ``Tribulation,'' casting out-of-work television actors like Corbin Bernsen, Howie Mandel and Mr. T in the lead roles. Presumably no one of that caliber was available for ``Left Behind,'' which is headlined by Kirk Cameron (``Growing Pains'') and his wife, Chelsea Noble (think of a B-level Brooke Shields).

Cameron plays a famous television news reporter, Buck Williams, who works for GNN and ``would have filmed Hiroshima from ground zero if he could have been there.'' (He looks and acts more like Jimmy Olsen's kid brother.) Noble is Hattie, a flight attendant who, in a typical job progression, becomes the powerful personal secretary to the United Nations secretary general. (Apparently, all the qualified candidates had ascended into heaven.)

Buck and Hattie aren't bad people; they just didn't believe in the right things. So they're left behind along with a haughty airline pilot, Rayford Steele (Brad Johnson), who didn't appreciate his wife's beliefs, and his daughter (Janaya Stephens), whose chief fault seems to be her nose ring. (Lots of people with funny haircuts were left behind, too, but all children and babies went to heaven because they're still ``innocent.'' Clearly, the filmmakers have never had kids of their own.)

It all plays like a bad B-movie, cheesy, one-dimensional and unconvincing. In the midst of the personal dramas, the movie tries to develop a back story for the Antichrist, but he ends up being about as frightening and charismatic as Al Gore, who, in some believers' eyes, was probably a candidate for the real-life Antichrist role before he lost the election.

The movie ends as the Antichrist takes control of the earth, paving the way for future ``Left Behind'' movies, either on film or video.

Talk about your tribulation.

``LEFT BEHIND: THE MOVIE''

(Rated PG-13: violence)

The stars: Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble, Brad Johnson.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Victor Sarin; screenplay by John Bishop and Alan B. McElroy.

Running time: One hour, 35 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: Zero stars