WHAT IF EVERYBODY HAD AN AWARD SHOW? HAMMERING TOGETHER A NEW TV LOVEFEST.

Byline: Valerie Kuklenski Staff Writer

Los Angeles chiropractors must just love awards season. They surely do a brisk business treating all those people who've dislocated a shoulder or twisted an elbow while patting themselves on the back.

Shameful, isn't it, this explosion of congratulations and adulations every winter and spring for a bunch of people who spent last year heaping kudos on each other on talk shows and accepting the gratitude of executives in the form of six- or seven-figure checks and the adoration of the masses in ticket sales, Billboard rankings or TV ratings.

Three years ago, the Daily News counted 66 entertainment industry award events. Since then we've just stopped counting. And when you think about all the shows and TV segments devoted to the award shows ... well it just boggles the mind.

Sure, many other industries outside entertainment present annual awards, but they don't expect the rest of us to watch them do it.

That raises the question: What if another business actually televised its awards ceremony? Suppose you're at home with a dozen friends and a nice spread of food, and you all settle down in front of the big screen and tune in to ... HGTV.

There are the searchlights, the screaming fans who camped out for days, the camera flashes strobing into the night ... and Bob Vila in a tuxedo.

--Vila: The red carpet - a sturdy indoor-outdoor nylon fiber with an extra-thick pad - has been rolled out in front of the Van Nuys Home Depot, where the big players in home building, remodeling and decorating are gathering for the event of the year: The 12th annual Home Improvement Awards.

The Homies, as you know, go to the best and brightest in the various trades, with a new category added this year: best invoice coming in 100 percent or more over estimate.

Here comes the host for tonight's event, star of his own show on another cable network, Mr. Glue Gun himself, Christopher Lowell. Christopher, what should the viewers at home be expecting tonight?

--Lowell: Well Bob, in addition to the presentation of the hammer- shaped Homies in 37 categories, we've got a dance number saluting wallpaper hangers, a montage of the year's best moments in woodworking and a hilarious outtake reel of contractors who fudged projects in violation of local codes without the property owners' knowledge. And one exciting segment, one I've been pushing for the past three years, is a tribute to that most underappreciated home accent, pompon fringe.

--Vila: Sounds great, Christopher. Best of luck and we'll see you inside.

Here comes Al Grebowski of Like Lightning Electricians, up for best rewiring of a formerly low-voltage 1960s suburban ranch house. Look how his ensemble accentuates his carpenter's crack.

His wife, Carlotta, is sporting a diamond- and ruby-encrusted tool belt created just for this evening by Tiff Van Winston jewelers of Beverly Hills. Of course, with a pricey accessory like that, she is being escorted by armed security guards recruited at dawn yesterday from among the day laborers hanging around outside the store.

Right behind the Grebowskis is Jake ``One Arm'' Fischbender, one of the fastest shinglers in the roofing business until that unfortunate incident three years ago with an electric nail gun. It's great to see some of the past stars in the business. Welcome back, Jake!

--Fischbender: It's great to be here tonight, Bob. I just want to say best of luck to all the nominees tonight, 'cause I know every one of them is hoping to get Hammered.

IMAGINE THE MORNING NEWSPAPERS' breathless accounts of the ceremony itself:

John Dweenfanger of Outside Exteriors was the big winner Saturday at the 12th annual Home Improvement Awards, capturing the exterior stucco and window-caulking honors as expected, and scoring an upset in paint color matching over favorite Larry Grubmeister of To Dye For.

``I just want to thank my father-in-law, who let me apprentice with him when I was in high school even though I was sleeping with his daughter,'' Dweenfanger said, clutching his third Homie and choking back tears. ``And I also want to thank my beautiful wife, Shirley, who has been the company's bookkeeper and office manager for 17 years. Honey, next year you get a paycheck, I promise!''

The top Homie for which all trades are eligible - the ``We'll be there tomorrow by noon for sure'' award - went to Stan Klebowitz of Plumb Crazy. He was honored for abandoning a repiping job and leaving a homeowner stranded without running water for 16 days, just a few hours short of the state limit that could have cost him his license. Klebowitz did not make an acceptance speech on advice of his attorney.

After the ceremony, winners and nominees celebrated under a tent of clear plastic sheeting at an affair catered by Taco Bell and Budweiser, with sanitation services by Johnny on the Spot. As expected, they left their cans and fast-food wrappers on the floor.

CAPTION(S):

drawing

Drawing: no caption (Claw hammerhead sticking out of base labeled HAMMER AWARD.)