WHAT'S NEXT? NO ORDINARY SHOW.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Media

It might not happen in 2004, but we're laying odds on it anyway:

--ESPN develops a new reality series featuring Joe Namath and Nicole Richie called ``Championship Tongue Wrestling.'' It's advertised as ``Not- So-Average Joe'' meets ``Clueless.'' Note: On days Ms. Richie is unavailable, Jessica Simpson will substitute. Odds: Even.

--ABC suspends its ``Monday Night Football'' package for one season because, a network exec says, ``we failed to come up with any new gimmicks and felt it was inappropriate to continue at this level.'' Odds: 16-1.

--Jim Gray is reprimanded by ESPN for making a spectacle of himself as the verdict in the Kobe Bryant rape trial is read in Eagle, Colo. Gray, crying uncontrollably after Bryant is found guilty, has to be pried away by court officials from clutching onto Bryant's leg as he's led away. ``Now what do I do?'' Gray screams as he'd escorted out of the courthouse. Odds: 1-8.

--Because the 2004 Summer Olympics are in Athens, NBC tries to hire Jimmy ``The Greek'' Snyder to do essays on things such as why some countries produce better athletes than others. A network researcher discovers he's been dead since 1996. Odds: 6-1.

--Dick Vitale publishes another autobiography, this one titled, ``You Think Your Ears are Bleeding?'' Odds: 2-1.

--CBS' Deion Sanders agrees to be head coach of the Atlanta Falcons while retaining his ``NFL Today'' seat since, as he says, ``I've already proved I can handle more than one thing at a time.'' His first edict to his team, and to Boomer Esiason: No ice bucket showers. Odds: 21-1.

--Bob Costas is spun off into his own 24-hour channel - BCC, available first in only one St. Louis home, so his family can remember what he looks like. Odds: 3-2.

--ESPN's Peter Gammons reports on a trade that does not involve the Boston Red Sox. Odds: 87-1.

--Tom Jackson says he will stop chuckling at every inane reference Chris Berman makes during ``ESPN PrimeTime.'' Odds:52-1.

--``NFL on Fox'' weather gal Jillian Barberie decides to reveal her IQ, but then realizes she converted it incorrectly from Fahrenheit to Celsius. Odds: 1-4.

--At the annual ESPY Awards, Dan Patrick and Patrick Swayze do a man-on-man kiss in an attempt to shock the audience and become the lead-in clip on ``SportsCenter,'' which follows immediately. Odds: Even.

--TNT officials, acknowledging Charles Barkley has failed to say anything of substance since 1988 and quite possibly before that, do not renew his contract. Barkley, in turn, vows to ``whack someone upside the head, including myself.'' Odds: 150-1.

--CBS' Jill Arrington receives an Emmy for getting UTEP coach Mike Price to look directly into her eyes as she asks him a question before the start of the second half. Odds: 36-1.

--Figuring he'll at least make more sense than Steve Lyons, Ted Williams' frozen head is hired by Fox to be an analyst on a select number of Saturday ``Game of the Week'' baseball telecasts. Odds: 9-1.

--Bill Romanowski is hired as an analyst on Animal Planet's ``Pet Emergency'' show. Odds: 5-1.

--The NFL Network folds. A league spokesman admits, ``without games, we're really just ESPN Classic-Lite.'' Odds: 6-3, awaiting the extra point.

--ESPN, which already owns the Fort Worth Bowl, the Las Vegas Bowl and the Hawaii Bowl, decides to buy up nine more college football postseason games - including the Dustbuster Dust Bowl in Oklahoma City and the Frederick's of Hollywood Bowl presented by AARP in Hollywood, Fla., because, as a spokesman says, ``our research shows these things are much cheaper by the dozen.'' Odds: 12-1.

--The word ``boo-ya'' is officially entered into Webster's Unabridged Dictionary. Odds: 1,567-1.

--ESPN's Stuart Scott becomes a spokesman for new technology that combines a sharper picture with street slang audio. It's called Hi-So- Def-Jam TV. Odds: 2-5.

--Responding to an FCC warning that all show titles must better reflect its content, Fox announces it is changing the name of ``The Best Damn Sports Show Period'' to ``We're Sorry We Stole Two Hours of Your Life, with Tom Arnold.'' Odds: 2-7.

--ESPN adds ``The Poker Channel.'' Odds: 1-7 card stud.

--HBO's ``Real Sports'' does a story about the success of HBO's ``Inside the NFL.'' Odds: 2-1.

--Responding to overwhelming e-mail asking the network to stop using aspiring singer/dancer Justin Timberlake on its NBA promos, ABC officials admit they aren't aware of anyone named Justin Timberlake hired to do such a thing. After an investigation, it is discovered Timberlake has been making his own NBA promos and paid off a low-level producer to have them inserted into commercial spots so he could obtain better tickets to Lakers games at Staples Center. Odds: 1-3.

WHAT SMOKES--Just because a couple of live interviews at some sporting events get a little raunchy doesn't mean the home viewer should expect fewer microphones shoved into the faces of celebrities. The Nicole Richie stunner during last week's Lakers-Nuggets game on Fox Sports Net followed by Joe Namath's incompleted pass during the Jets-Patriots game on ESPN the next night - clips that both made it into Jay Leno's ``Tonight Show'' monologue Monday - should be considered aberrations and a lesson in picking the right guests, at least one executive said. ``You expect an adult to act in an adult fashion, but you can't predict what'll happen,'' said Mike Connelly, FSN's executive producer in Los Angeles. ``Our goal is to bring viewers closer to the action at Laker games, and taping interviews because of this would affect the live flow of the game. We can't overreact. I think it's just a coincidence these two things happened, and in hindsight, you wish they didn't, but we know who not to go to for a live shot next time.'' If there was any question that FSN was jumping back in, Bill Macdonald interviewed Don Rickles during Sunday's Lakers-Suns game. Rickles, remarkably, behaved well.WHAT CHOKES--In ESPN The Magazine's list of the top 100 sports personalities, moments, trends, games and stories that mattered in 2003, Rush Limbaugh sneaks in at No. 36 with the line: ``McNabb overrated? How about two-going-on-three NFC Championship games.'' How about someone sitting behind a desk on ESPN's ``GameDay'' set making that point after Limbaugh threw it out there in September? And how about mentioning that the statement dripping in racial overtones led to Limbaugh's ``resignation'' at the network? Interestingly, it also lists at No. 86 ``Troublemakers'' with the line: ``ESPN's 'Playmakers' irked the NFL.'' Nothing like rubbing it in.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos, box

Photo:

(1) The outcome of Kobe Bryant's rape trial in Colorado in 2004 will be watched closely by an interested ESPN broadcaster.

Paul Sakuma/Associated Press

(2) no caption (ESPN magazine)

Box:

SOUND BYTES

By Tom Hoffarth