WE SMELL A RAT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

If the Angels have unofficially but effectively replaced the Rally Monkey with the Rally Ratatouille, does this mean plans to open a Chuck E. Cheese in the left-field family section at the Big A are on the fast track?

Do even the vermin know that the cheese used in the concession-stand nachos is fake?

What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are they running here -- again?

Does the Los Angeles Health Department legally wash its hands of this even though it's an L.A. Angels of Anaheim issue?

Let's think through the Clippers-Lakers situation again, knowing one will have to go without Elton Brand until sometime after the 2008 All-Star Game, and the other has Kobe Bryant's standing demand for a trade -- whattaya say the Lakers take Chocolate Rain (the new nickname tagged on him by Jimmy Kimmel) up on the suggestion, ship him and his $17.7 million salary to the room at the other side of the Staples Center, ask for, say, Corey Maggette (due $7 mil), Cuttino Mobley (due $8 mil), Quinton Ross (due $700,000), and some future celebrity season-seat holders, and then -- just to rub it in -- deal a couple of them over to Indiana for Jermaine O'Neal?

Penny and Shaq have been reunited in Miami, but Kobe and Vanessa are nowhere near close to splitting up?

If Grady Little's not-so-little problem each day is trying to figure out where to bat Juan Pierre in the Dodgers' lineup, why not plant Matt Kemp in center field, bat him second, watch a couple of runners get thrown out on the basepaths for a change, and let No. 9 do what he apparently does best -- pinch-run?

Why not buy up tickets now to the Giants-Dodgers final series of the season, Sept. 28-30 at Dodger Stadium, knowing it'll be the swan song for Barry "Superbad" Bonds and the chance to catch his final tater, 'cause which team in its right payroll would want him as a DH and locker room divider for '08?

Does it seem as if Bonds' head has actually gotten bigger since becoming the all-time dinger champ?

Did you happen to notice, during all those San Francisco Giants games ESPN2 added to its schedule over the past couple of weeks, those public service announcements warning kids about how your arm could fall off because steroid use, which would lead back into the live game action -- in which Bonds' accomplishments were being celebrated?

So maybe Uncle Heart-Attack-In-Waiting has it right: The secret to successful golf is pure caffeine and a pack of smokes? Who'd have thought there'd be unreasonable heat and unbearable humidity in Tulsa during August when the PGA was trying to nail down a place for its annual club championship? Why wouldn't the network suits be getting sweaty undergarments thinking about the possibility of John Daly and Tiger Woods in the last pairing Sunday?

Isn't there a way Reggie Miller keeps his TV job and still has time to log 10 minutes a night for the Boston Celtics? What's to dissuade Celtics GM Danny Ainge from trying to activate himself as long as he's in the business of dishing out bench minutes to veteran human beings?

How do you not pull for Scott Spiezio to straighten himself out, whatever it takes, all while being proactive about it?

Where do I go again if I'm trying to fix a men's pro tennis event? Pretty much anywhere?

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