WE DON'T EVEN CARE TO ASK.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Lip-synched Super Bowl XXXIX predictions that we wouldn't normally give lip service to, from the pseudo celebrities who might have provided funnier responses if they were actually asked their opinions:

--Donald Trump: The Patriots will be fired ... up, that is, and win it all again. But I'm not married to that idea. George, what do you think?

--Mickey Rooney: I'd bet my bare backside that the Cleveland Rams go all the way. They love to run the naked bootleg.

--Richard Hatch: If I win my office pool, do I have to report the earnings on my taxes?

--Vince Neil: Philly has a pretty motley crew. Which is why they go down.

--Rachel Hunter: Someone get me off this stupid ``Gilligan's Island'' show, and I'll tell you anything you want to hear.

--The cast of ``The Biggest Loser'': We can relate best to Philadelphia.

--Emmanuel Lewis: Philly will come out on the short end.

--Gary Coleman: What you talkin' 'bout, Lewis? For my money, it's all Eagles. But then again, I have no money. Can you spare a few bucks?

--Erik Estrada: Listen, I've got this swamp land ... er, hot property just ripe for development in Northern California ...

--Nick Lachey: Take USC and the points.

--Jessica Simpson: Even I know the Trojans aren't in the World Series this year.

--Ashlee Simpson: I could sing at halftime. No, really.

--Janet Jackson: Girlfriend, don't even go there.

--Triumph the Insult Dog: Pardon my French, but who's the boob that picked Paul McCartney for the halftime show? He's about as inspiring as a multicolored fire hydrant when you're in dire need of relief. I'd rather be assaulted by ALF. ... Wait, I'm taking a moment to scratch myself. ... McCartney should go back to the junkyard with Fred Sanford. His act is older than Little Richard's nail polish remover. He should be delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less with Jared from Subway.

--Amber Frey: I've picked the Eagles before, and they betrayed me.

--Glen Frey: Internal bickering will lead to the Eagles breaking up before kickoff.

--Teri Hatcher: According to my sleazy friend Nicollette Sheridan, T.O. is desperate to play. But when I asked Howie Long if it was true, he looked at me as if we'd never met.

--Tara Reid: Obviously, I am in no way related to the Eagles coach. Unless he has a ticket he wants to give up.

--Kirstie Alley: Is that a Carl's Jr. pastrami burger?

--Gilbert Gottfried: If it walks like an Aflac duck and incessantly quacks like an Aflac duck and eats pieces of dried bread crumbs left in the park by vagrants and will soon get ptomaine poisoning like an Aflac duck, then it's a New England victory.

--Ben Affleck: Don't duck the Pats.

--Omarosa from ``The Apprentice'': Even I realize my 15 minutes were up a half-hour ago.

--William Hung: She-Bang to Tom Brady.

--The guy who kept winning on ``Jeopardy!'': What is ... the Super Bowl, Alex?

--Martha Stewart: Why are they bringing Jamal Lewis here?

--Carmen Electra: I have more interest in the Lingerie Bowl.

--Tony Danza: Yo, didn't I tell you never to quote me in this stupid column year after year? No comment. No, really, I'm not saying a word. Except the Jets shoulda won.

--Paris Hilton: I've studied the tapes with Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel - real game tapes - and I have to admit that Tom Brady merits comparisons to Joe Montana, that the Patriots' patchwork secondary will stand up to the challenge, that they match up quite favorably up front and will force Donovan McNabb to throw early and open up their weaknesses in the tight end position.

So, who's up for my post-game sleepover?