WE ARE THE POD PEOPLE, HEAR US ROAR; WE BUY OUR WOMEN GIFTS THEY HATE; EVERY YEAR WE HUSBANDS SHOP, HOPELESSLY.Byline: DENNIS McCARTHY Dennis McCarthy may refer to:
In the next few days, you'll be seeing a lot of us stumbling through the malls - looking like that scene from ``Invasion of the Body Snatchers'' where Kevin McCarthy Kevin McCarthy may refer to any of the following individuals:
The pod people. Men who hate to shop. We're about to descend upon the malls of this city with a vengeance - buying all the wrong gifts for our wives and girlfriends again. Eyes glazed over, walking around snarling snarl 1 v. snarled, snarl·ing, snarls v.intr. 1. To growl viciously while baring the teeth. 2. To speak angrily or threateningly. v.tr. at Santa Claus Santa Claus: see Nicholas, Saint. Santa Claus jolly, gift-giving figure who visits children on Christmas Eve. [Christian Tradition: NCE, 1937] See : Christmas Santa Claus and carolers - nodding in mutual recognition whenever we pass another pod person. We want to be anywhere but here, doing anything but this. But it's Christmas time, and we all have wives or girlfriends counting on us coming through. Years of screwing up and cutting corners has finally made us recognize the ugly truth. No matter how hard we look, we're just not going to find the right Christmas presents for the women in our lives by hanging around the golf course, tennis courts, football game or corner bar watching the NFL NFL abbr. National Football League NFL (US) n abbr (= National Football League) → Fußball-Nationalliga playoffs. Nope, the ugly truth is we're going to have to go to the mall, and shop for stuff we know absolutely nothing about. Venture into enemy territory and hope we find gifts that will convince our significant others that we are indeed the compassionate, understanding, sensitive, sexy man they thought they were marrying. Not the cheap, shallow, Neanderthal man we turned out to be. It has come to my attention, though, that we grizzled griz·zled adj. 1. Partly gray or streaked with gray: a grizzled beard. 2. Having fur or hair streaked or tipped with gray. vets from Christmas past may not be doing enough for the rookies coming up. That we're not sharing all our wisdom with the young guys doomed to make all the same mistakes we did when we bought gifts that turned out to be major lemons. Now, I know some of you old-timers think the best school is the school of hard knocks The School of Hard Knocks is an idiomatic phrase meaning the (sometimes painful) education one gets from life, often contrasted with formal education. It is a phrase which is most typically used by a person to claim a level of wisdom imparted by life experience, which they consider , and that the rookies out there should come by their mistakes the old-fashioned way - they should earn them like we did. But, hey, it's Christmas. Open your hearts a little. These young guys got it tough enough already. For openers, guys, I suggest you don't try to do all your wife's Christmas shopping at Pep Boys, Home Depot or the neighborhood car wash. The selection can be a little limited at these fine establishments. I came by this piece of wisdom one Christmas past when I, too, was young and stupid like you. Before I became old and stupid. I had bought my wife one of those deluxe carwash cleaning packages where they go through your car with a fine-toothed comb, and make it like new again. I thought it was a rather unique gift idea. So did my wife. Fortunately, we were outside when I gave her the gift certificate, so I had more room to maneuver when she flung it back in my face and attacked. She was expecting something from Frederick's of Hollywood Frederick's of Hollywood is a well known retailer of lingerie in the United States, with stores in many modern shopping malls across the USA. The business was started by Frederick Mellinger (inventor of the push-up bra) in 1946. , and I showed up with Jiffy A fraction of time that has numerous interpretations depending on who uses it. It may refer to one computer clock cycle, one nanosecond, one millisecond or one AC power cycle. There may be others. See nanosecond. 1. Lube. Didn't quite cut it. This is when I learned that there are certain gifts that men should never, under any circumstances, buy their wives or girlfriends at Christmas. For openers, never give her anything remotely practical. No vacuums, blenders, Crock-Pots, dishes, pans, irons or kitchen appliances of any kind. Especially ones they can throw. Washers and dryers, microwaves, stoves and refrigerators are also iffy if·fy adj. if·fi·er, if·fi·est Informal Doubtful; uncertain: an iffy proposition. [From if. , but at least they can't throw them back at you in case they were expecting something a little more frilly frill n. 1. A ruffled, gathered, or pleated border or projection, such as a fabric edge used to trim clothing or a curled paper strip for decorating the end of the bone of a piece of meat. 2. . Pod men may like opening something from Black and Decker on Christmas morning, but seldom do women want to take you to their bosom after opening something from the Maytag or KitchenAid line. Nope, you've got to opt for sparkle or heat for that. Which means the mall, and walking through stores looking at jewelry, smelling perfume and trying to look cool and not gawk too much in the lingerie section. So, if you see us stumbling through the mall this holiday season, don't be upset if we seem a bit rude and distant. Our hearts are in the right place, but we're the pod people - out buying all the wrong gifts for our wives or girlfriends again this Christmas. |
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