WE'RE STUCK WITH BILL FOR ABSURDITY.Byline: Kimit Muston Local View I got a note from my insurance company yesterday expressing ``concern'' that I haven't paid my premium yet, adding that they are ``worried'' I might have my coverage canceled. I appreciate their concern and worry. I'd like to send them my premium. I'm just not sure I'm going to be able to. You see in the past I paid my yearly premium in what my insurance company called ``quarterly'' installments, due in January, April, July and October. But this year they have demanded those ``quarterly'' payments be made in January, February, March and April - which sort of changes the definition of ``quarterly.'' Along with $2-a-gallon gasoline, this has put my checkbook on a starvation diet starvation diet Very low calorie diet Nutrition A fad diet that provides 300-700 kcal/day, which must be supplemented with high quality protein; given the risk of death through intractable cardiac arrhythmias Side effects Orthostatic hypotension due to loss of . Still, I appreciate their ``concern,'' especially since the insurance industry has so much to worry about right now. As you are reading this, State Farm is mailing out notices to inform its 40 million auto insurance customers that nuclear explosions and radioactive damage are ``not normal road hazards.'' Thank goodness somebody explained that because, gee, I had assumed thermonuclear reactions were listed right after potholes in my policy and plutonium fallout was covered by the ``hail stone'' clause. Are these folks serious? A State Farm spokesman explained, ``A nuclear event is the type of situation that could threaten an insurance company's solvency.'' No kidding? I wonder what would be the impact on solvency if most of the company employees were suddenly vaporized va·por·ize tr. & intr.v. va·por·ized, va·por·iz·ing, va·por·iz·es To convert or be converted into vapor. va ? You know who did this: Only a corporate lawyer would have created this kind of ``disaster scenario.'' I think corporate lawyers dream up ways their companies might get sued just to watch corporate vice presidents break out into panic attacks panic attacks, n.pl distressing episodes where an individual experiences palpitations, anxiety, apprehension, sweating, trembling, etc. Can last several minutes and recur unpredictably. . Fun's fun, guys, but come on. How much do you suppose State Farm is spending on this notice? $1 million? $2 million? Well, 500 years from now some archaeologist is going to dig up one of these stupid notices, decipher the message and laugh himself into apoplexy apoplexy: see stroke. . I'll bet I'll Bet was an NBC game show that aired from March 29 1965 to September 24 1965, that was created by Ralph Andrews. The host of this program was Jack Narz. It was a precursor of It's Your Bet, which aired with four different hosts during its four year run: Hal March, Tom State Farm's legal counsel failed to predict that lawsuit. I suppose somebody has to worry about the insurance implications of ``nuclear events'' (and, by the way, ``nuclear event'' is so much nicer a phrase than ``Big Boom!''). But if your car gets a high-enough dose of radiation that the wheels decompose de·com·pose v. de·com·posed, de·com·pos·ing, de·com·pos·es v.tr. 1. To separate into components or basic elements. 2. To cause to rot. v.intr. 1. or the radio melts, don't you think filing a claim on your auto insurance is going to be the last thing on your mind? Maybe literally. If somebody were to actually write a nuclear-damage claim, what would it look like? ``Customer says radiation discolored dis·col·or v. dis·col·ored, dis·col·or·ing, dis·col·ors v.tr. To alter or spoil the color of; stain. v.intr. To become altered or spoiled in color. his windshield and made his face fall off''? Who would take the last five minutes of their life to file a claim like that? You'd think they'd consider things like that before spending all that money on stupid notices. But maybe they've been busy with the other big crisis in the insurance industry right now - ``Reality TV'' lawsuits. It seems there was a reason they called the show ``Jackass'' - as in ``I'm going to sue those jackasses!'' MTV MTV in full Music Television U.S. cable television network, established in 1980 to present videos of musicians and singers performing new rock music. MTV won a wide following among rock-music fans worldwide and greatly affected the popular-music business. filmed a pilot for a reality show called ``Harassment'' in which a couple visiting Las Vegas Las Vegas (läs vā`gəs), city (1990 pop. 258,295), seat of Clark co., S Nev.; inc. 1911. It is the largest city in Nevada and the center of one of the fastest-growing urban areas in the United States. walked into their hotel room to discover a body floating in the bathtub. Oh, man, what a laugh riot. The Science Fiction Channel countered with a pilot for a show called ``Scare Tactics'' in which an unsuspecting woman was abducted abducted Distal angulation of an extremity away from the midline of the body in a transverse plane and away from a sagittal plane passing through the proximal aspect of the foot or part, or away from some other specified reference point by actors portraying ``aliens'' who then ``killed'' somebody in front of her. Side splitting, right? Oddly enough, neither show ever got on the air - a thin thread of hope for the future of television - however, both shows did produce lawsuits. And, of course, all networks producing reality TV have legal coverage so the insurance companies are stuck with the bills. Which may explain why they can't survive until May without my full premium. Listen, if I pay my premium in full by April and my insurance company disappears in a nuclear cloud An all-inclusive term for the volume of hot gases, smoke, dust, and other particulate matter from the nuclear bomb itself and from its environment, which is carried aloft in conjunction with the rise of the fireball produced by the detonation of the nuclear weapon. in May, do you think I would still be covered? What if I signed a waiver promising not to sue should I become irradiated while driving to and from the gas station, since at these prices that's all the driving I can afford? Do you think my insurance company would offer me a price break? Because right now that's all I'm concerned about. |
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