WATCH-O-RAMA THE HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS OF THE COMING TV WEEK.

Byline: David Kronke

``Jake in Progress''

(ABC Channel 7; 9 tonight; thereafter, 8 p.m. Thursday)

Think: John Stamos stars as a flashy, narcissistic New York publicist with an overheated, complicated social life. Tonight, two episodes: the first illogically suggests he goes on a date in the middle of his workday with a former one-night stand related to his boss (Wendie Malick). It's followed by a disastrous double date with Jake's dream gal and two cranks, interrupted by a subplot involving gay stereotypes.

Don't think: If we could drill Stamos' persona, the oil crisis would be over.

In a nutshell: Rick Hoffman, as an obnoxious magician, offers a rare occasional laugh, but is shoehorned into the series (which has been extensively retooled from its original concept). The show is smug, arch, forced and, in its regular time slot, mere ``Survivor'' cannon fodder.

``Kelsey Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show''

(Fox Channel 11; 9:30 tonight)

Think: Grammer hosts - but doesn't appear much in - a breathless series of brief sketches, featuring two ``Mr. Show'' alumni, ``24's'' Mary Lynn Rajskub and Paul Tompkins.

Don't think: The longest sketch runs almost two minutes; some are but one line long. Most seem to have been written just so they'll fit in network promos.

In a nutshell: Goofy and groan-inducing as often as it is inventive and funny. Highlights include an optometrist who gives her patient tests that have him inadvertently flirting with her; a psychiatrist who berates her whiny patients; a therapist who holds a support group for patients with imaginary friends (all bad doctors played by Kaitlin Olson); and wedding photos that get increasingly embarrassing. If only the canned laughter weren't so obnoxious.

``National Geographic's Most Dangerous Moments''

(National Geographic Channel; 10 tonight)

Think: National Geographic sheds all educational pretenses and gets in touch with its kitschy-Fox-reality side, with often-grotesque videos of bizarre moments of human and animal suffering.

Don't think: See animals - multiple crabby bears and a psychotic elephant - rage out of control like a starlet told the craft-services table is out of Voss water.

In a nutshell: If the incident is really gross or appalling, they'll show it three or four times, maybe even in slow motion. If not, just once or twice. They're thoughtful that way.

``The Shield''

(FX; 10 tonight)

Think: Glenn Close joins the stark crime drama's cast in its fourth-season premiere as Monica Rawling, who takes over the Barn and enjoins unhinged cop Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis) to take part in a controversial anti-gang program.

Don't think: Chiklis will play the cranky, clobberin' Thing in this summer's ``Fantastic Four'' movie. And that role differs from Vic, how, exactly?

In a nutshell: Close is an obviously great addition to a show maintaining its provocative edge with increasingly rich, dark characterizations.

``Project Greenlight''

(Bravo; 9 p.m. Tuesday)

Think: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and cranky producer Chris Moore are joined by horrormeister Wes Craven to produce a movie by amateurs. HBO ditched this series when only bitter Hollywood wannabes watched the first two series and absolutely no one saw the movies.

Don't think: Given what bombs the last two movies have been, wouldn't reasonable adults have thrown in the towel by now? But since they're doing a horror flick, at least they're intentionally making a lousy film from the outset instead of arriving there by accident.

In a nutshell: Bravo provided for review only the tedious episode in which the script and director are selected, not the interesting episodes in which the production inevitably nose-dives. They need an elephant rampage or two.

``The Suite Life of Zack & Cody''

(Disney Channel; 7 p.m. Friday)

Think: Twin 12-year-olds (Cole and Dylan Sprouse) live in a posh hotel with their mom (Kim Rhodes), who sings in the lobby lounge. Mild mayhem ensues.

Don't think: These guys should hang out with Eloise of the kids' books, who'd teach them a thing or two about making life miserable for the concierge.

In a nutshell: Harmless and silly for kids; teeth on concrete for parents.

``Prozac Nation''

(Starz!; 9 p.m. Saturday)

Think: Christina Ricci stars in the 2001 (b)adaptation of former East Coast ``It'' provocateur Elizabeth Wurtzel's memoir of growing up privileged, disillusioned, self-absorbed and addled on every chemical imaginable. The film was never released theatrically in America after Wurtzel made some snarky comments about Sept. 11. Jessica Lange plays her pathetic mom; Anne Heche (as a shrink!), Michelle Williams and Jason Biggs co-star.

Full disclosure: Lou Reed and I have something (almost) in common: He has a cameo (as himself) in the film; I have a cameo (as myself) in Wurtzel's book (I may be the only guy in it with whom she doesn't have sex). Save some stilted dialogue, I come off OK, but none of it ever happened (for one, I'd never go to a Billy Squier concert - I do have some standards). But since she was apparently on God knows what at the time, the surprise would've been if she had gotten it right.

In a nutshell: Even Wurtzel has conceded the movie is, by her estimation, ``horrible.'' So try the ``Prozac Nation'' drinking game: Gulp a swig every time Ricci or Lange says something self-pitying, takes a drug or has a fit. (Warning: If you actually try this, alcohol poisoning is imminent.)

David Kronke, [phone]

david.kronke(at)dailynews.com

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) ``Jake in Progress''

(2 -- color) ``The Suite Life of Zack & Cody''